http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/ Runboard| Narcissistic Abuse Recovery en-us Wed, 16 May 2012 22:25:45 UTC Wed, 16 May 2012 22:25:45 UTC http://www.runboard.com/ rssfeeds_managingeditor@runboard.com rssfeeds_webmaster@runboard.com akBBS 60 http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187413,from=rss#post187413I think it's a very good idea for you, wiser. I think it will be empowering and comfortable. I didn't change my name mostly because no one in my city knew him and he has moved hours and hours away. Had I still lived in small town USA I would have done it in a heartbeat. I say go for it! PTPpaidthepriceWed, 16 May 2012 16:11:37 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187412,from=rss#post187412Hi Cat, Don’t waste your money or the insurance’s money. XP told me lots of pity stuff during the time with him. In retrospect, probably mostly lies. He ALWAYS lied when he wanted to manipulate me. Very sad stories he told. Played on my empathy. Actually, the dummy set himself up. In turn, it bit him in the a$$ for he had no argument that therapy might not help him. He schmoozed and charmed the therapist to the point that I became the target AND he was giving HER advice! Lmao. It was just a game for him and, soon, they were in cahoots. Both he and she wanted me to come in.   Lots of luck, honey. I refused. Lord knows what he [really] told her and I knew I’d be untangling his web of lies looking like a nut. I already knew at that point how convincing he is and how quickly it would all go nowhere fast. And that's the point - you already know. So, what's the couple's therapy for? Don't set yourself up for nothing.   2befreeWed, 16 May 2012 15:40:58 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187411,from=rss#post187411Look, I see your point, but I see the choices differently. Here is the example from my own life. My previous Employer stole money from me and all other employees. I definitely have a right to hire lawyer, free of charge or for a fee, I have a right to contact Labor Department and let them know and ask what I can do in order to get my money. I made a decision that I will use "free of charge" options and if they will not work, then I am willing to waive "good-bye" to my money and move on. Naturally, the system is not pursuing justice. The system pursues it's own interest and if someone wants justice, one either have to hire an expensive lawyer or one has to fight tooth and nail. I decided that I do not want to spend more money on my Employer, especially it is not guaranteed that even expensive lawyer will be able to extract my money at this point (as was told to me by a number of free of charge lawyers who advised me on the case). I also decided that I do not want to convert my life in the constant battle and adrenaline high by learning every little corner in the law and trying to outplay lawyers. MY mom once played this game successfully and I know it is doable, but I also know how much energy, time and resources it takes. I definitively would not want to dedicate so much of me to this case. It is easier for me to say good-bye to this money. Now, I do not see it as self-victimization. However, we still could look at that and say - hey, why you did not change a job as soon as you did not receive your paycheck on time? Isn't it YOUR fault for being victimized by Employer? And yes, there are people who would see it this way. That my Employer was just what it was, and I was not paying attention and not being strong enough. Sure, some people can think this way. However, I do not think this way. Also, some people might think that I am self-victimizing myself by not giving MY ALL to the fight for these money. However I would see myself victimized if my life would consist of courts, fights, reading laws, riding adrenaline high, etc, etc and what is in the end? Money? I do not care that much. I do not need to prove myself that I was right. I do not need the system to validate my rights. I know that my rights were violated by Employer and it resulted in some financial loss. Instead of initiating a fight of my life, I just found way to recover from this financial loss by putting all my energies into a job search instead of legal and dirty fight. Still, if you would catch me in a weak moment, I would tell that the system sucks. And if it would be better I would like to lean on it in my search of justice. But reality is different and in order to make the system work for you, one has to fight and fight and fight. I do not like fighting. I do understand JL in other words. Surely we all could do more and we all could be slightly better. But we are who we are and nothing is wrong with that. ColColombinaWed, 16 May 2012 15:27:32 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187410,from=rss#post187410really helpful post, just what i'm going through now as a court order is only recently in place. my ex is saying the same kinda thing to me via text. saying i'm not communicating as i'm trying not to respond to the countless texts she sends while i'm in work about all manner of things. will be taking advice about keeping it short, polite and business like. i just need to do what i can to give myself a bit of peace.NoMore36Wed, 16 May 2012 14:55:36 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187409,from=rss#post187409  again! EchoEcho4Wed, 16 May 2012 14:51:50 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187408,from=rss#post187408Cat, Narcissists have no insight into their disorder and therefore cannot be cured and rarely seek counseling. When they do it is to manipulate their partner or the therapist in an almost "I told you so" mentality. In the days shortly after my liberation from tyranny I saw a crisis therapist because I could not get an immediate appointment with anyone else at such short notice. She told me to run as fast I could and get away. She said people like him kill and at the very least destroy our souls. I took her advice and never looked back. EchoEcho4Wed, 16 May 2012 14:50:20 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187407,from=rss#post187407Like2, Looks like you are making progress and that is wonderful May I suggest that you read the book Women Who Love Too Much? This book is about finding the truth in why we do the things we do and how to stop. EchoEcho4Wed, 16 May 2012 14:44:34 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187406,from=rss#post187406  Excerpted from “EMOTIONAL UNAVAILABILITY” by Bryn C. Collins You’ve been invited to a party, but you realize on the day you’re pretty sure the party is happening that you’re not sure what kind of party it is or what time you should arrive. Well, you’re smart and you’ll give it your best shot. So you dress in a kind of neutral casual-dressy style and show up at seven. * As you come up the walk, you can hear the sounds of a party: music, laughter and you think, “This is going to be a great party.” When you come up the stairs you can smell aromas coming from the house and again you say to yourself, “This is going to be a great party.” * You ring the bell and your host emerges wearing a bemused, enigmatic smile… and a tuxedo * “You’re late,” he says. “I’m sorry. You didn’t tell me what time the party was.” “I thought you would figure it out” he says. “Well I am here now,” you say . Your host looks you up and down. “That may be true, but you are not dressed properly.” You look down at your elegant, if casual, clothing and then at his black-tie formal wear. “Yes, that’s true. But I’m not that far from home. I can just go and change quickly and be right back.” * You desperately think about what’s in your closet that would fit with formal wear and how long it will take to press it. You add up the travel time, wonder what you’ll have to do to your hair to look right, how to change your make-up…. after all this still seems like it’ll be a great party……Your host shakes his head. “But then you’ll be really late.” Dinner will be over and I was COUNTING on you to sit right beside me at the head table.” * Your heart sinks. Your one chance and you blew it! Inside your head, you say several unflattering things about yourself, your abilities, your intelligence, and your potential, but out loud you declare, “Honest, I’ll be back in 45 minutes. I’ll be perfect. Can’t you wait? You cannot imagine how you’ll be back, but you want so badly to be the guest of honor. * Your host shakes his head. “Well, I don’t know. But what are you planning to bring to contribute to the dinner? I’ve told you how much I like those special, individual nineteen-layer cakes you bake. I thought you’d know to bring one for every guest.” * Behind him you can still hear the laughter and the music; you can still smell the exotic foods, and you can still see the champagne in his glass. And you still think it’s the greatest party ever and you still want to be the guest of honor. * That is what an emotionally unavailable relationship feels like. You’re just never quite good enough to get admitted to the party. You get seduced by the clear, often indirect and unspoken, message that something is just a little wrong. If you can fix that, the implied promise goes, you’ll be the guest of honor and win the door prize: love… * But when you “fix” what was “wrong” the first time, something else is a little “wrong.” And when you fix that, something else will appear. * Your host has no intention of making you or anyone the guest of honor. Your host also has no ability to make you the guest of honor – or even to open the door to let you in. Your host is suffering from emotional unavailability. This is the inability of a person to reach out and make a heart connection with another person. * What is so unsettling and painful is that you end up with the clear belief that this somehow your fault and that it’s your responsibility to fix it by being perfect. If it isn’t fixed, you’re not perfect enough. * You did not break it, you don’t have to fix it. * You say to yourself that you would never get caught in a situation like that, it seems obvious… until – you are in the middle of it….. it doesn’t start out with unreasonable demands of perfection. If it did, you’d walk away after the first five minutes. We all get sucked into emotionally unavailable situations because the process is subtle and progressive.The demands move a little at a time, inching you away from your power base, shifting control of the situation to the emotionally unavailable person. This person doesn’t want love as much as he or she wants CONTROL. Emotions are unsafe; control gives the illusion of safety. It is perfectly reasonable to expect an emotional connection with someone with whom you are in a relationship. We expect police officers to enforce the laws, teachers to teach, etc.. These expectations put us into a particular mind-set when we’re around those people. Over time you expect a relationship to grow and deepen. When your partner turns out not to be making an emotional connection, it causes trauma; that is why these relationships are so painful. The trauma then does further damage as it undermines your expectations about yourself and YOUR abilities to make connections. As illogical as that may seem, it’s human nature to look for the flaws in ourselves when things don’t go as we expect. We end up being traumatized twice in these relationships; once by the loss and abandonment and again by the loss of our own confidence in ourselves. That is why the end of these relationships can be so much more painful than the end of a fully realized relationship.. We ruminate about what we could have done differently to make it work….” This is the way disorientation works. And the gradual erosion of all we understand and know by messing with our normal expectations and reality, by subtly shifting the goalposts. Why, in the end, we can no longer trust ourselves. Our psyches were gradually shaped to respond in a certain hostage-like manner, and our cell kept getting smaller and smaller. ~Invicta Echo4Wed, 16 May 2012 14:40:23 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187405,from=rss#post187405This may be a little off the beaten path but make sure she is not in a relationship with an NP. The reason I say this is that my xNP sabatoged all my time and would find someway to keep me away from my family and friends. He would especially do this with last minute plans. I have spent the last two months of NC reconnecting with my friends and redeeming myself. I will NEVER do that again. I am now the best friend a person could have because of this experience. If this is not the case then by all means don't keep investing your plans and times with someone unreliable. We need to choose our friends and aquantances wisely. If she is caught up with an N by all means help her. Goodluck When someone shows you who they are..believe them. Maya Angelouglad2bemeWed, 16 May 2012 13:04:05 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187404,from=rss#post187404 Hi Wearefree, There is a very technical, complcated term for a person like this woman--it is "unreliable"--- This woman is unreliable, she treats you and your time as if they are objects for her own personal convenience. Sure-anyone can have an emergency or last minute thing they just have to deal with=but when it is a pattern and you can't count on them---THE HOOK. We don't need to abide unreliable people in our lives--it is a crazy maker. Let her go and mess with other people's heads. Enough. warkittensWed, 16 May 2012 12:46:12 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187403,from=rss#post187403Thanks, PTP It was a nice (healthy) reminder a new me is coming out if this painful mess. I made plans with another friend outside my bubble today! wearefreeWed, 16 May 2012 12:19:08 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187402,from=rss#post187402I think you did well wearefree. Obviously, this woman is not respectful of your time nor does she want to ride if something comes up. I've know a few people like this in my life. I learned quickly to back away from making any sort of plans with them. N was like that as well. I'd plan something weeks in advance and he would always find a way for it not to happen. I just stopped finally. Or went by myself. Let her go. You will find a lovely riding companion I'm sure. How needs people that are rude and disrespectful? {{{hugs}}} PTPpaidthepriceWed, 16 May 2012 12:08:30 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187401,from=rss#post187401Your managers have made the decision to close this message thread.paidthepriceWed, 16 May 2012 10:52:37 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187400,from=rss#post187400So today I had plans with a woman to ride. We've planned a ride many times and she's very carelessly canceled without much regret on me many times. Hey, everyone can have something come up, an explanation seems appropriate to me. Well last night I confirmed with her again, she said she'd be here at 10. I got most of my ranch chores done yesterday, woke up earlier than usual to finish a few other things up. I text her again to say 10 it is. I got back, "I'll text ya". Meaning, I'll let ya know, when I let ya know. OMG, I responded, you are however coming for sure, yes? NO response. I sent another text saying, Ok, I'll make other plans. I'm a tad pissed. I woke up early to be able to go and I'll text ya isn't acceptable. Guess I appreciate the opportunity to set boundaries. It feels good. This woman has done this too many times to count and normally I'd say no problem with a smile on my face. No more.   wearefreeWed, 16 May 2012 10:14:25 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187399,from=rss#post187399thanks for all of the advice. My employer has been wonderful with all of this. I am working on my 4th year divorced from my ex. they have supported me and helped me any way they can. And, ironically, i am a school counselor, so when i am away from work those kids dont get my help. My ex is trying to build a case against me to take custody of our kids. he manipulates all of these situations and then puts a spin on them that benefits him. I have been advised for 4yrs to give in to things so i dont seem non compliant or combative. He walks all over me as it is. then goes to court and says that i am non compliant any way. The judge doesnt seem to give a crap about any of it and continues to make judgements that make it easier for my ex to manipulate me and the kids for his benefit. I feel as though i am damned if i do and damned if i dont. at times i do feel like a slighted child and just yelling "IT'S NOT FAIR"! at the top of my lungs.onedayatatime2012Wed, 16 May 2012 10:11:19 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187398,from=rss#post187398Thank you, guys. Special thanks, AD, for pointing me to that thread. Did not get through it all yet, but very informative. PhoenixRising77Wed, 16 May 2012 08:07:42 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187395,from=rss#post187395Cat, A therapist once told me this, "sometimes you just have to hold your nose and jump in". This was in reference to leaving the xnph. The ONLY thing that will make your situation better Cat is to leave him and begin a new life. He will never change, and your situation cannot be fixed, and in fact will get worse with time. You will grow old and be unhappy and you will never have the love you seek and deserve as long as you stay with this man. Forget trying to "fix" yourself and your "codependency" while you are in the relationship. Nothing will take away your misery until you get away from this man and heal. First you have to get away. We have advice for how to divorce a N on our left hand side here. It is not easy, and they get vicious. We suggest hiding away money, and making your plans in secret. If he even gets a whiff of it you will have a much more difficult time. You have to wake up now Cat. The only person who can save you is yourself. It takes strength and courage to do this. You have us backing you on here. We will help to give you strength and support through it. Believe me, you will be so thankful you got away from him. It is the best thing you can do for yourself. Big hugs, HadHad Enough9Wed, 16 May 2012 06:55:00 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187394,from=rss#post187394Hey!!! I have one of those too, the low one!!! As we age...our thyroid usually starts acting weird on us...high or low! I just take my meds and go on.....my low thyroid is the least of my problems... Deedeedeedee1950Wed, 16 May 2012 06:43:46 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187393,from=rss#post187393quote:Bad therapists tho are worse than no therapy...tho so it's important to choose a good one. This is soooooooooo true.....I have had N therapists!!! OMG.... I start out with a psychiatrist, I find they are more knowledgeable than therapists on true mental disorders such as P's. In addition, if any meds for anxiety or depression needed...the psychiatrist is able to detect and get you what you need. Usually a psychiatrist will refer you to a therapist known he/she feels will benefit you most for you case. You only see the Psychiatrist about every 6 months....to catch on what is happening with therapy and the meds. If you have a therapist you are not comfortable with or just doesn't get it...find another. After all it, you are paying for it...get your money's worth. Deedee    deedee1950Wed, 16 May 2012 06:39:48 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187392,from=rss#post187392Dear MaidinJapan and Phoenix, Thanks so much for the support! I've been thinking I'm having not just the fear of letting go and the breaking away from co-dependency, but also the "malignant optimism". I'm going to search for it here, meanwhile does anyone have a reading on malignant optimism to suggest? Thanks so much, CatTheCatBeckonsWed, 16 May 2012 05:56:37 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187391,from=rss#post187391 All therapy can do is ground you, they don't live in your head...they can also be a person to tell all the secrets too even the bizarre stuff you think no one will ever believe...it teaches you about personal truth, it can also "give you permission" to proceed where you think the response maybe too harsh... My therapist for example told me to NC my own N parent and while alot of people think I am being harsh... People here get it, and so does my therapist. They are abusive and they engage in abuse, and D&D on a regular basis, so NC is for me, I cannot be abandoned since I don't need them anymore. Before this would have cause dtremendous anxiety, I would have broken down and called the parent by now...looking for a crumb...I deserve better than that. So I finally have the strength. Therapists can also recommend congnitive tasks that can improve mood, they can also refer to medication therapy and other services that may be needed, such as anti-depressants. Bad therapists tho are worse than no therapy...tho so it's important to choose a good one. In my own life I am asserting boundries with regular people everyone attempts to manipulate things in some way, they don't want to deal with real issues, or real problems, so spin is frequently what occurs...in those situations. I now stop the spin...I can let things go...I am doing much better in this area than previously.lookatmepfreeWed, 16 May 2012 05:53:29 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187390,from=rss#post187390Okay JL I'm gonna be tough here...you have no idea about my life so I'm going to tell you about a scared 18 year old with so many broken bones...there are rod pins and screws throughout my body...I have lived in pain my entire life. That was my first husband...I've had four ...one I don't count...becuase it was like a long date as Dee Dee says, if you follow. 2 things bother me about your statement. 1) I don't care what the MAN said about HE would contact you, I would be complaining to his supevisor by now!!! 2) Your therapist told you to be guided by a man? This is what got you into trouble in the first place, you already have issues with yeilding your power to a man to easily, its why most of us are here, is it not? So continuing the old what doesn't work, does not seem to be healing at least where I sit, but as I have said before it is your right, to do with as you please, but people either take action or make excuses, if you choose to not pursue it, then you don't really get to claim to be victimized by the system, and if you are unwilling to be your own advocate becaue you are in you own words waiting on a "controlling alpha male" then you are yeilding your own power to this person, and are then victimizing yourself. And not dealing with the nuts and bolts of the whole entire problem that allowd this to happen in the first place...in short you are still re-victimizing your own self. NC has nothing to do with facing him in court, while a daunting prospect, you don't have to speak to him, you only have to address the court. I love the quote by ostrish....you will make it or you will make excuses ....how much do you value it? I see alot of swirling around in your posts...it's not your fault this happened to you, but if you sitting around waiting on others and making excuses for why you can't even make a phone call...... that you are going to have to own whether you like that or not. I'm not giving you any kind of pass, frail? Undo? Usually justice and vindication are cathartic to the victim and most therapists recommend it.lookatmepfreeWed, 16 May 2012 05:36:55 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187389,from=rss#post187389 Sorry I didnt really know the background ot fully understand what was going on with this situation.  What got me on the 'rape' subject was the comment Columbina made on the book she had read written by a rape victim and how they were badly treated. ... Sorry, from that , I felt you had been victimised..... I obviously got the wrong end of the stick...  I am too burnt out and exhausted to sit outside the Police station!!?..  The Detective has told me in no uncertain terms HE will contact me..  I feel quite intimidated by him as he is very Alpha male, strong and quite controlling.  I may start another thread but I have touched on this subject before on the Board but not many people have had the experience.  In the main, I feel quite alone on this so I grabbed the chance to speak of the case as I felt other people with legal issues may relate.  Today, my therapist said I have come such a long way, it would be awful to undo it by having to face N after 15 and half mnths of NC.... She told me to be guided by the Detective's decison whether or not to go to Court.  Thank you for your wise and kind comments.  JLxJanineLouise3110Wed, 16 May 2012 04:21:42 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187388,from=rss#post187388Hi. Here to learn!hapi2bf3Wed, 16 May 2012 04:19:28 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187387,from=rss#post187387hineedtoknowWed, 16 May 2012 03:12:55 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187386,from=rss#post187386I agree with you col, my daughter does seem to be facing finacial ruin but she walked into this with her eyes open and then was told......she was present when he verbally attacked myself and my other daughter but even though I didn't say anything, my daughter told me I am the abusive one and he did nothing wrong. She watched a P sister for years, she should know the signs like anybody else. She chooses not to cos SIL promised her a luxury lifetsyle. I am NC with him, my 0ther 2 daughters here are very cool with him, my parents were cool with him.......my daughter accused me of turning them against him. I see it for what it is. Its going to be a hard road for her..her finances and mine are completely separate. The level of destruction will be too great for anybody to bail her out, there won't be much anybody can do to help her later. My parents are very wealthy. My dad said not to ask him to help her out when the wheel comes off in the near future as opposed to things possibly going wrong. I think my wealthy parents were part of the allure for SIL anyway.needtoknowWed, 16 May 2012 03:11:40 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187385,from=rss#post187385quote:Greentee wrote: I must say I am scared a bit that I find myself thinking about the occassional feelings of intimacy and closeness, and connection with him. I know now that none of those momentS had any real affection and meaning from his part. But from my part, they were real. I dont love him or miss him at all, I just miss the feelings. I definetely do not miss the person or the facade of a person that my N was - but still to this day, I miss those epic and timeless moments as well as feelings of intimacy that I felt with her and no other woman before or after her. It still haunts me to this day. And they were in fact real, but I can't help but wonder if in order for something to feel so incredibly real, did it actually require that I be experiencing it all with someone that emotionally and psychologically was a mirage? And if that is the case, then what could possibly be wrong with me as a man if there was not before her or after her a single woman that I was with that could be responsible for reproducing those same feelings in me that could at the same time be emotionally healthy and normal. I still wonder, if on some subconscious level if I actually required that the object of my affection, adoration and love be so 'unreal' and fake that it was what initially made me drawn to an N, and like a drug, it had all of the same effects. After a few months, I knew something was wrong and that I should have got out, but stayed, thought that enough unconditional love could fix her and hoped that she would change. Any and all memories that she was or is capable of having relating to the time we shared together are like ink on a dry erase board that were more than likely wiped away when after she put me through the final stages of the D&D and moved on to the next guy - where my memories of the time spent together, the passion and intimacy: are carved in stone and cannot be erased. Just as much as I on some level sought out the type of woman that she was, I think that Ns seek out those people that are capable of feeling and storing memories of the time they spend with them, since they are unable to. So the memory of them and the time spent together is in a sense eternal, at least in the soul of the person that was betrayed and dicarded so cruelly. I still cannot reconcile how two people could share the experiences and moments that we did and then one of them could move on so quickly and devoid of any and all emotion, empathy and compassion. There is a song that has helped me get through the rough days. . . . "Once I believed I could find, just a trace of her beloved soul. . . " Kamelot: Somewhere In Time (song)themourningafter07Wed, 16 May 2012 01:18:53 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187384,from=rss#post187384Wafah, In all its coldness, this is what it is (the way I see it): Any contact with an N/P will ultimately result in PAIN for you. There's no way to sugar coat it. No matter what stance you take or what words are exchanged between you, it will ALWAYS end in pain for you. The bottom line is always this: How do you know when an N is lying? His lips are moving. Period. That means that whenever he says he loves you, misses you, etc.....Its a LIE. He's just fishing for his own reasons and it has nothing to do with you. If hes saying these things to you, its just a matter of time before you see and feel the dagger hes just thrown. You WILL feel pain. Trust me. This is how they operate. It is their disorder that insists on it. The end result for you will be pain. Whether or not its sooner or later. It will end in PAIN for you. Run..... hippiegirl9Wed, 16 May 2012 01:02:01 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187383,from=rss#post187383I did a pole thread a few years ago on this topic. Maybe this thread will help along with any current responses to yours. http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/t3367AffectionatedragonTue, 15 May 2012 23:58:15 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187382,from=rss#post187382It might seem like a strange question, and you guys please feel free to tell me as much or as little or disregard this question altogether. Many of you spoke of therapy and how it helped you. I know I DO need help. So many issues have been cropping up (codependency, not being able to establish firm boundaries, still not being able to trust myself with understanding what is real and what is my imagination, and lots of others). So, what happens at the therapist? How it works? How does it help? I am hurting. Not about xNP. I don't care about him one bit, but about myself. I am seeing the history repeating, and it makes me feel bad and sad and hopeless. PhoenixRising77Tue, 15 May 2012 22:30:13 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187381,from=rss#post187381Thanks for your perspecitve on this. FM - I really like your analogy to being a piece of property. When I first married the N/P, I did not change my name for that same reason - although I couldn't articulate it as well as you did. I did change my name to his about 10 years later in an attempt to please him. Well, we all know where that went. Proclaiming that I belong to no-one but myself sounds very consistent with my current state of mind. Thanks! Affectionate Dragon - It's helpful to hear about your regret in not moving ahead with the name change with your divorce. LeftHim - I like the idea of commemorating the first efforts with your wedding anniversry. I struggled with what to do with the anniversary and eventually decided to contribute to the local women's shelter on that date. However, I like your spunk. Thanks to all, you've helped me to decide to move ahead on the name change. It may take a while to get everything changed, but I appreciate your support and enthusiasm for moving ahead. - WS wisersisterTue, 15 May 2012 21:51:46 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187380,from=rss#post187380waf-- he is...a legal contract has nothing to do with the fact he has ended the relationship/ or you have ended the relationship. The lease is the lease..it's a contract and very unemotionally covered by contract law and contract law only. Now watch N in court he'll try to pull the well I'm moving back in...that is when you enter all the DV stuff to demonstrate due to the RO he is not allowed to live there...his RO has nothing to do with fulfilling his ontract to the landlord who by the way is a third party I hope cause then it will really be funny. N will most definately show his entire A$$ during the procedings. Oh make sure you request them to order a garnishment due to the restraining order If you sign a contract folks and they sign a contract...those are binding and they don't just get to say it over because they feel like it and stick you with the bill. Always get the garnishment if possible so you don't have to chase their ass around for funds or put up with stupid calls over when if or how they are going to pay as a hoover. Your set tho...the RO means NC...so garnishment it is...checks should come from the county court and your done lookatmepfreeTue, 15 May 2012 21:27:27 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187379,from=rss#post187379weare.... That's exactly what my therapist told me 5 years ago. My skin crawled and I got sort of mad when she would say that. (Not as well as you did) In other words, a big fat blessing in disguise!!! My thought was fine. Ok, after two years and a lot of progress...that's enough already. Lets get on with soothing the pain. So, we all get there in our own time. My "time" took way, way to long. But I'm whole again. As whole as I will be. As whole as I was before I met the last N, of many N's in my life. "Strip me down to my bare soul and force me to deal with my FOO" I too, said to myself as I smiled and thanked her "I want out out of here!" I wish you out SOON!here2learnTue, 15 May 2012 20:54:25 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187378,from=rss#post187378quote:You mentioned something about when he gives up and goes silent, will I be ok then?   My point was there's something derived on your end by the PD's attempt to take you back to your doormat place. When he realizes your doorway is repellant of him, he will do as they do, move on/snore, and this is where your work comes in..how will you deal with the crickets and silence? quote:Please shed some light on this because today I woke up exhausted and battling with my emotions again You're new on this path and please love yourself every second through it.. Breaking NC and dipping is a short lived fix. Most times the n romantic partner brings us to a place of "bottom" where those old FOO issues we've avoided are brought to the forefront. Dare I say they are blessings to our truth? Gag..probably not..just stepping stones back to us sounds better...that little girl inside us who is still asking why is the reason why any of us tolerated BS and abuse.. I'll look for some info on voicelessness and post soon as it's a biggey in terms of our recovery. Keep going Ms. Spritey and hold dear NC while you put this puzzle together.   WhatincriminysHappenedTue, 15 May 2012 20:29:53 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187377,from=rss#post187377Hi OneDay, The scenario you described sounds like one straight out of the N/P playbook. N/P does something that is clearly "wrong" but yet not "wrong enough" for anyone (in a legal sense) to care. Oh, and there are so many bonus points to be had with this type of maneuver. If you voice disagreement then you essentially have told him that this works really well at pushing your buttons. Plus, regardless of how you respond there is the opportunity for the particularly malicious ones to attempt a little parental alienation (e.g. "I don't know why Mommy couldn't come and pick you up...I guess she's too busy with important things tonight...oh well, it will be ok, I ]will take good care of you...) Oh the injustice and maddening frustration of it all. And yet, the advice I am going to give you is not only to ignore it, but also to consider giving in to N/P. Here is my reasoning: first, because this type of behavior is not significant enough in a legal sense, it is a battle that you have virtually no chance of winning. If you try to fight it legally, there is the risk of coming across as the unreasonable, nit-picky parent who is difficult to get along with. Now we all know this is not the case, but from the perspective of family court, this will be seen as petty. So if you were to reframe this as an opportunity to appear as a reasonable, super-cooperative parent ("I want our child to have a strong and loving relationship with N/P and I'm so happy that N/P has taken an interest in co-parenting), then I would suggest telling N/P how great that is that he can take the time for the appointment and no worries, you are certain that your son will enjoy the extra one on one time with him. Meanwhile I would call your son that evening to say directly to him how happy you are that he gets to spend some extra time with Daddy (or something to the effect of letting him know that you didn't fail/forget to pick him up). And I also would stay on top of medical stuff by obtaining copies of medical records directly from the office--not N/P. For me, now entering my fourth year of separation with contested custody and no end in sight, this type of crazy making behavior has been the hardest to learn to deal with. Until the past few months or so, it has been quite difficult to let go of the injustice of it all and the "he should..." or "he shouldn't...". One thing that has come out of this approach with my abuser is that he has decreased (unfortunately not eliminated) these silly moves. In fact, I now routinely encourage him to take the extra time, having figured out that most of the time he will decline and actually get a little miffed if I don't take the children back! This I think is attributable to him learning that this button no longer gives the desired outcome when he pushes it Anyway, I do understand how hard it is. Hang in there and vent your frustration to us but don't breathe a hint of it to N/P. Chapter IVTue, 15 May 2012 20:26:52 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187376,from=rss#post187376Why is there N's? For me the answer was to strip me down to my bare soul and force me to deal with my FOO. I've got no choice and it's ugly, scary, disgustingly painful and I'd like it to stop. Preferably sooner than later. But like you said, it's not working this time. I want out of here! Vile pigs is right. wearefreeTue, 15 May 2012 20:14:52 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187375,from=rss#post187375Look, thank you so much. I sure hope that is the case, that he is still bound to the lease him name is on. Then my worries are over. I will follow up with the legal assistance center and file my response. Thank you, really. I know I started this angry, but the fact is I'm SO INCREDIBLY sad still. I'm having one of those days again. I think I've said this and perhaps I'll start another thread, but ever since he called my friends, I've been a mess. Just a few minutes ago I was going to call him from a blocked number??? WHY? This doesn't make any sense. Like I said, I might start another thread, I'm really mixed up again. JL, I'm so sorry and I while I can understand to a certain extent, I can't imagine how awful that must have/is for you. I hope you have access to help, however that may be. Please do start another thread and get some good advice here. These folks are really nice and knowledgeable. Thanks, Lizzy. I remember reminding you how rockin my porch was Thanks for that. I'm in another dark place but alas, that front porch has a spectacular view and I've made it up pretty nice. I wish I was enjoying it. I'll find a way back there. I just wish I wasn't agonizing over calling him again. Thanks, All. wearefreeTue, 15 May 2012 20:07:32 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187374,from=rss#post187374Sorry about your ordeal. What a jerk. Is there anyway that you can still tend to kids when needed and your employer will allow you to make up the time? Come in and hour early...work through lunch...weekends? Most employers are flexible and understand as long as your work gets done. I'd do whatever I could not to relinquish this power to the N. Just a suggestion. Speak with your boss and see if something can be worked out. I'm sure it's not a weekly occurance. PTPpaidthepriceTue, 15 May 2012 19:31:46 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187373,from=rss#post187373Hi We, I am really sorry to hear about your experience with your DV case worker. Sometimes it seems like we are stymied at every corner we take. After taking the initiative to get some help and then being treated this way is abominable, to say the least. I understand your anger, frustration and tiredness and I feel for you. I know how important your "porch" time is to you....it is still there you know, and all of the b...sh.. will pass. You are not alone you know, everyone on this board has your back. You have just, momentarily,slipped back into the rubbish these people put us through. Try and get as much "porch" time and "bubble" time as you can just now.   Lizzyd xxx lizzydTue, 15 May 2012 19:16:39 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187372,from=rss#post187372Don't get me started on hypo..lol. My Dad had it but wasn't diagnosed until his 70's. I really feel his decline was due to worn out systems from the lack of thyroid hormone. Mine didn't kick in until the birth of my D. It's called post-partum hypothyroidism. Within a year after having her..I gained 30 lbs doing nothing different in terms of diet and exercise. Basically antibodies attack your own thyroid during pregnancy and it becomes weakened. It's really an auto-immune disorder and this runs in my genes as my sister suffers from another auto-immune disease..MS. The problem is the "ranges" that docs consider within normal and many go undiagnosed. Have you experienced coldness no matter the climate, dry skin, hair falling out, unexplained weight gain, and tiredness? I finally found a holistic doc who is also hypo who saw my test scores..although within normal ranges, and said your thyroid isn't working well. He put me on Armour..insist on natural vs. synthetic! This past year has been life changing in terms of my health. I have lost so much weight and my metabolism is back on track. Any family with auto-immune issues to trace this back to?   WhatincriminysHappenedTue, 15 May 2012 18:21:10 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187371,from=rss#post187371JL with all due respect you are confusing my statements regarding the civil small claims item already filed...AGAINST her...if she does nothing he will win...she doesn't have the option of NOT handling it... with the pending DV case which is being grossly mismanaged IMO. However these are two seperate matters...the fact of the DV is only to show the Civil court why he should pay his half of the lease per the agreement, while NOT having the right to reside there, other wise people would just beat the shit out of their roomate; whenever, they wanted to break a lease. She is getting bent over on the property lease, while being sued for money, he is caliming she owes him. Yours, is a criminal matter you would have liked to seen prosecuted, but wasn't I'm afraid you won't like hearing this but it's apples and oranges from what I am talking about. Your choices JL are yours, but if I ever had a chance to take it to court and even be heard...I'd make that happen, but that is me and my choices, and how I would play my cards. But we are not the same people, I for example would be frustrated evidence was lost, but I would not use being re-victimized by the system as the excuse for why things never got prosecuted....so you haven't heard from them since NOV? Have you called them? To follow up and say why haven't you contacted me? You say that is not your responsibility? Sure it is. I'm sorry Rape prosecutions are hard, too many vindictive women have claimed it...for no reason, even if it's not true, so you should know, and have been prepared to be throughtly questioned about the matter. There is no skate in there by anyone and be believed? If it was me JL as emotional and hurt as you are about the whole thing...I would not have taken no response, as an answer...I would have been calling them eevryday by now, sitting out in front of the station with a cardboard placard, calling the detective everyday at quitting time. Your right you are a victim and I respect like hell the fact that you survived, and I can even respect the fear of trying to deal with a prominant man in those circles, and the scrutiny a trial would bring....you have every right not to pursue it...but I have very little besdes confusion, what your rape case described in detail has to do with supporting wearefree and her issues in small claims court filed against her...in which she is the DEFENDANT???lookatmepfreeTue, 15 May 2012 18:07:25 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187370,from=rss#post187370 Hi,  I was diagnosed with Hypo thyroidism after 20 plus yrs of being exhausted.  Was put on Thyroxin and could not tolerate it.. Doctor put me on TERTROXIN instead...This cuts out the T4 which I was allergic too.. Weight dropped immediately and energy levels went up too, dnt feel the cold so much.   I think all the stress with crazy abuser N triggered it....He certainly made it much worse with the nightmares he put me through..  Please let me know if you can get it under that name above..If not, I will send you Tetroxin's other names..Google it. JLx JanineLouise3110Tue, 15 May 2012 17:54:59 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187369,from=rss#post187369PS: Only last night I was having trouble sleeping and cogitating over this whole laughable fiasco most of the night...  What do you others think of this situation I am in..I dont want to highjack the post but can the Vets weigh in with some wisdom on this..  It is a huge dilemma as if I let N off this it seems like I am exonnerating him!  Meanhwile, whilst, I have been unable to function fully since, unable to work full time, am in a financial difficuly and am seeing a therapist to recover....N rapist lying abuser is prob on his honeymoon with OW.... is wealthy, trhiving, having sex ( I may never be able to again after that trauma) yet N is happy and living a great life conning money out of people ...  They are truly EVIL. JL JanineLouise3110Tue, 15 May 2012 17:44:31 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187368,from=rss#post187368Wearefree,  I really feel for you. Sadly, for the victims of crime we often end up more traumatised by the way we are treated than from the crime.  Look, in Sept '10 my exN raped me when he entered a hotel room I was asleep in..  WE had jst got back together after a long time apart and had agreed sex was off the menu until I felt safe AND we were both legally divorced from other partners...  I reported the sexual assault later in the day...Rape occurred at 2:30 am..I was at Police by that afternoon.  Here is wht followed: A woman detective asked me if there was a 'bond' between me and rapist and if so to try and 'work it out'  Forensic evidence was taken from my body the next day and was lost and destroyed 12 weeks later. I was not advised of this, till a few months later!  Male Detective took the background of rs and details of the rape down almost 6 mnths later!!!  Male Detective told me he would interview My witnesses before making a decision whether this would go to court...NONE of them have EVER been contacted!!.  Male Detective went to Hotel where rape occurred to get 'evidence'..Were we and rapist there that night, did I make phone calls from room, come down to foyer at midnight upset and major argument with rapist occur in foyer where he yelled at me etc?........ Detective claims the Hotel had no records or recollections of any of this.!!??..  Detective interviewed lying ar**h*le N rapist in Nov of 2011 and then TOLD me all the Lies rapist N had told him!!... Incl intimate details of the rape as to why 'full penetration' didnt occurr..Rapist claimed there was something 'wrong with my body!! (Yes, you're damn right there was..I was half asleep and not aroused!!....I almost had a breakdown all over again. My PSTD reading was 41/50!!  Detective told me in Nov he would be in touch over early New Year, just after Xmas as to whether they would proceed to Court..... They requested all emails and my mobile phone which they took and I got a new one...  NO WORD since..not one.  It is May 2012.....NO WORD since November!!  So, my decision, I am sad to say......  I have had enough...I never want to hear ,see or have anything to do with the exN rapist, nor the psychological abuse of the Law....  Accordingly, I am afraid to say I am not proceeding to Court,( IF, i ever hear from Detective again)  Why?... I do not want to endure a few more years of my life destroyed by N lying abuse nor te disrespect of the Police and Law  Too little, too late for me.  I cannot believe what rape 'victims' go through!! ... I hesitate to use the word 'victim' as I am a survivor.  Wearefree...I DO understand in part what you are going through. And like yourself I am riled... JLx JanineLouise3110Tue, 15 May 2012 17:25:34 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187367,from=rss#post187367"SPLITTING" AT WORK: How High-Conflict People Divide Organizations © 2012 by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.   The concept of “splitting” has been studied for decades by mental health professionals who treat personality disorders – especially borderline and narcissistic personality disorders (BPD and NPD). Splitting is the tendency of those with these disorders to view others as all-good or all-bad. It’s an intensely emotional and defensive dynamic – and it can become highly contagious in the workplace, whether the person is a customer, employee, supervisor or even business owner. People who engage in this splitting dynamic don’t even realize it and often become “high-conflict” people, because they increase conflicts around themselves instead of resolving them.   Splitting at Work For example, suppose a new employee (let’s call her Brianna) instantly likes another co-worker (let’s call her Gabby). Brianna views Gabby as “all-good” and, after a couple brief discussions, Brianna realizes they both love movies and asks Gabby to get together for a movie on the weekend. This is Brianna’s first week on the job. She’s happy that a co-worker likes her and immediately starts planning get-togethers. After the movie, Brianna wants to increase their contact. They have dinners together and she tells Gabby her life story, including her terrible marriage that broke up, how she hated her mother, and how she really doesn’t like their boss. She shares thoughts and feelings that catch Gabby by surprise.   Soon, Gabby feels that things are getting too intense and too close. She tells Brianna that she wants to slow down their friendship and stop seeing movies and having dinners together. They can still be friends at work, Gabby says, but she tells Brianna that she’s “too intense” and that “getting some space” will do them both some good. (Gabby realizes she should have trusted her gut feeling that Brianna was coming on too strong (as high-conflict people tend to do) and avoided becoming so involved with her in the first place. It’s easier to gradually grow a work friendship than it is to slow one down.)   Now Brianna flips: she suddenly views Gabby as “all-bad.” She takes this “rejection” by Gabby very personally and feels deeply abandoned by Gabby. She feels a rage against her and starts bad-mouthing Gabby and sending nasty emails about her to other employees. Some employees start backing off from Gabby, thinking that she may be really as rude and nasty as Brianna says. Some of them tell Brianna that they are sorry that she was treated so badly by Gabby – that they always had a sense that Gabby could be a little stand-off-ish, but didn’t realize how insensitive she could be.   But other employees start backing off from Brianna, thinking that they could be next to receive her vindictive comments. They privately tell Gabby that they feel bad that she got caught off-guard by this new employee and that they are steering clear of Brianna. The office becomes split. Some employees question the competence or intentions of other employees. Tensions rise, yet no one clearly understands what has happened.   The “Splitting” Dynamic Splitting has a predictable and destructive dynamic in any work group: 1. It’s personal: it’s about personal competence, intelligence, ethics, morality, etc. 2. It’s hostile: it’s not just a difference of opinion – it’s highly defensive and blaming. 3. Co-workers take extreme opposite, all-or-nothing positions about each other and especially about the “high-conflict” person. 4. There may be one or more “high-conflict” people engaging in this intense splitting process, but then others join in and start to look like “high-conflict” people as well – even though they are usually reasonable people. From the outside its hard to understand who is driving the problem, since several people have become “emotionally hooked.” 5. It often involves “projection” onto the others: each “side” starts to the others as being divisive and inappropriate in the ways that they are actually being divisive and inappropriate themselves.   In our example above, the employees and possibly management have emotionally absorbed Brianna’s all-good and all-bad views of them. She sees some as “all-good” and only sees their positive qualities. She emotionally connects with them and views them as “allies” in the workplace, not just as co-workers. This is because she sees others as “all-bad” with no positive qualities whatsoever and believes she needs help defending herself from them.   This defensiveness and recruitment of others is a characteristic of personality disorders, especially borderline and narcissistic personality disorders. Brianna sincerely and intensely believes in her all-or-nothing views of others (all-good or all-bad), especially as her self-generated stress in the workplace increases and as she feels more and more defensive around those who don’t seem to like her – which then becomes more and more true, even if it wasn’t true early on.   Typical of personality disorders is the tendency to create the very circumstances that the person is trying hard to avoid. For those with BPD, they are often driven by a fear of abandonment but unfortunately behave in clinging and then angry ways (in efforts to hold onto close relationships) that actually alienate those around them – who slowly start avoiding and emotionally – if not physically – abandoning them. For those with NPD, they tend to be driven by a fear of being inferior or helpless, so they behave with an air of superiority and disdain for others, which tends to offend some co-workers, but their efforts to find allies often divides the offended co-workers and the ones who excuse or justify the narcissist’s behavior.   In this process of splitting, co-workers are “emotionally hooked” but uninformed. Some of them have a gut feeling that the “high-conflict” person (usually with BPD or NPD) is a problem and feel angry and resentful of that person’s manipulative behavior in the organization. Others see that person as a victim of the others and they may heatedly defend that person. Thus, co-workers begin to reinforce each other’s negative view of the other co-workers, and the whole department or organization splits into two “teams” against each other.   The History of Staff Splitting This splitting dynamic has been identified and discussed for years in hospitals, outpatient mental health settings and drug treatment. These are settings that commonly involve patients with various health and mental health problems, so that it is not surprising that they report “staff splitting” as a regular phenomenon. However, it is usually a surprise to those in non-healthcare settings, and we are seeing this increasingly occur in workplace conflicts, professional organizations, volunteer groups, churches, high-conflict legal disputes, political parties and government agencies.   Marsha Linehan is a researcher in the treatment of BPD. Twenty years ago she stated that this dynamic is common in treatment programs:   “Staff splitting,” as mentioned earlier, is a much-discussed phenomenon in which professionals treating borderline patients begin arguing and fighting about a patient, the treatment plan, or the behavior of other professionals with the patient. The responsibility for the dissension among the staff is then attributed to the patient, who is said to have split the staff; hence the term “staff splitting.” (M. Linehan, Cognitive Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder, Guilford Press, 1993)   However, Linehan points out that avoiding this dynamic is the responsibility of the staff, rather than blaming the patient. This same dynamic can also occur when there is any patient with a personality disorder or traits involved on a unit or a professional with these tendencies on the team. This split often triggers some team members to strongly demand a firm approach to handling the individual patient or professional and other team members to strongly demand a supportive approach to the individual patient or professional. Emotions become intense and team members become rigid in their problem-solving approaches, which lead to impasse and escalating tension. Often rumors are spread about each side’s extreme statements or behavior, and more and more people become involved.   Splitting tends to be highly contagious, especially in demanding situations and under stress. Therefore, teams need to be trained in avoiding the splitting process and repairing it immediately when it does occur. From this author’s experience working in hospitals and legal settings, the following principles help avoid staff splitting:   7 Solutions to Workplace Splitting 1. Recognize it as an unconscious process often associated with a customer, employee or supervisor under duress with extreme, all-or-nothing thinking 2. Anticipate and avoid getting intensely “emotionally hooked”; recognize when it is occurring and rationally consider other viewpoints 3. Don’t automatically believe what you hear; check out allegations against customers, other employees or managers directly 4. Avoid extreme responses: anger at a customer, employee or manager; avoid totally punitive solutions or total excuses as solutions 5. Remain flexible and open-minded at all times 6. Collaborate to help the customer, employee or manager integrate the opposite perspectives; usually solutions involve a combination of supportive AND firm approaches 7. Treat all customers, employees and managers with Empathy, Attention and Respect (E.A.R.) at all times, regardless of your perception of their behavior   Training whole teams together in the above competencies appears to be the most effective method for creating teamwork and a team culture of effective and efficient care. By becoming aware of this dynamic and understanding the characteristics of high-conflict people (often those with BPD and NPD, but not always), it is possible to avoid getting emotionally hooked into the splitting process in the first place. It is really about personality awareness and self-awareness. Once team splitting has occurred, it often is very difficult to overcome the negative feelings many employees develop toward each other. Prevention is the best approach.   However, in the event that a workgroup has become split, it is sometimes possible to provide education or training to the group in the dynamics of splitting, so that they can soften their hostility and all-or-nothing thinking about each other. If there is an obvious high-conflict person (HCP) in the midst of the workgroup, such a group training may teach the HCP how to reduce their high-conflict behavior, or he or she may decide to simply leave the organization spontaneously, or it may become clear to the organization’s leadership that the HCP is unable to learn better group skills and that steps are necessary to remove the person – especially because of the intensely negative effect they have on the organization as a whole.    Bill Eddy is a lawyer, therapist and mediator. He is the President of the High Conflict Institute based in San Diego, which trains legal, workplace, healthcare and education professionals in managing high-conflict people. He is the author of several books, including It’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything. For more information about his books, or information about seminars and consultation, see www.HighConflictInstitute.com. http://www.highconflictinstitute.com/articles/workplace-issues-articles/78-hci-articles/published-articles/139-splitting-at-work?utm_campaign=May%20HCI%20newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_source=newsletter&utm_content=7%20Solutions%20for%20Workplace%20Splitting femfreeTue, 15 May 2012 16:14:47 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187366,from=rss#post187366Hi everyone, I know this may be a bit off the topic but a few months before my ex asked me to leave I was also diagnosed with under active thyroid, and I'm still battling! It is absolutely horrible. I sleep and sleep and sleep yet I am perpetually exhausted. I was very busy getting over the divorce, and had not had the time to see an endocrinologist, but my intention is to see one in a few weeks time. However, my brother is a doctor and prescribed thyroxin for me in the meantime to help with my problem. I only took it for two days and just could not handle the medication. I felt sick to the core, having heartburn, nausea and upset tummy entire day that I took the medication. I felt feverish, and extremely hot and felt heart palpitations. I can't explain it, but I felt horrible on the medication. Is this normal when you first start taking the tablets? Anyway I took them for 3 days and then could not handle the side effects and stopped. Im now in limbo and not sure what to do. Should I just continue with the medication, or ignore things and keep going? I just came out of a two tear marriage with a man that I suspect was also an N from what I read here. In the last few months prior to the divorce I was just blowing up like crazy even though exercising for at least an hour and a half 5 times a week. I realize now that it may have been the stress that made thyroid worse. since the divorce, I have not lost weight, but I'm not blowing up like I was while I was still with the N! If anyone knows about thyroxin and can advise me, it will be really appreciated.   WafahTue, 15 May 2012 16:09:57 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187365,from=rss#post187365Here, I am new to the board and have been a little over 2 mots NC. I don't know what I would have done without this information and support. Its nice to see a guy as well and helps us to remember N's are not just devils in disquise but that there are wicked witches out there as well. I'm glad Benice is out of your life. We only deserve the best now.   When someone shows you who they are...believe them. Maa Angelou glad2bemeTue, 15 May 2012 15:52:25 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187364,from=rss#post187364Thank you OSTRICH and everyone else who has posted in support of my confusion. Ostrich, what you say does truly make sense as I realize that everyone I hear from him, it just gives me an ego boost to know he is thinking of me, perhaps suffering and missing me. But I know now that is just temporary, until he finds another form of NS, another victim. He is only using me to feed his own loneliness and his own emotional needs. He was literally begging me in his messages to maintain contact with me and meet up with him. I guess that would suite him fine, he wouldn't have to go out looking for more supply, and can just continue sucking me dry until there is nothing left of Wafah! Until I'm emotionally crippled, I suppose. I realize that I don't owe him anything and don't need to justify anything to him or engage with him. He has divorced me, but yet expects me to be amicable, loving and caring. I mean, DAMN......HE HURT ME! BROKE ME AND TOTALLY REJECTED ME BY ASKING ME TO LEAVE! AND NOW HE WANTS ME TO. STILL BE HIS FRIEND AND UNDERSTAND THAT HE HAD TO LET ME GO BECAUSE OUR SITUATION WAS COMPLICATED! DUE TO HIM BEHAVIOUR! WHICH HE STILL CAN'T ADMIT TO, MY CRAZY NMIL AND HIS TWO CHILDREN THAT I LOOKED AFTER! I just can't believe these men, who expect us to be loving and caring after all that's happened! Are they NUTS? I know the only way forward is NC! It can't happen any other way, or else I'm just going to end up more hurt than I was the day he asked me to leave. Oh, but it really is so painful somedays. I miss the home we shared together, the children, and the special moments I shared with him. I didn't stay with him long enough to witness his total brutality and ignoring me completely. Had I been there longer, it may have come to that, but he was still very loving to me in the last few months before I left. With all the drama and his temper tantrums, we still shared, still made love, still went out together and shared some moments of joy and warmth. Guess I miss all of that and wish I could wave a wand, and I would be back in his arms, and he would have changed for the better! YOU ARE DREAMING GIRL! GUESS IT'S IMPOSSIBLE AND I NOW HAVE TO MAKE THE CHOICE OF NC FOR MY OWN SENSE OF WELL BEING! Please assist and explain how do I quote from a previous persons comment when I'm responding? I can't seem to get it right.   WafahTue, 15 May 2012 15:45:38 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187363,from=rss#post187363Needtoknow, Your daughter is under his charm completely. It is understandable because we know how it goes.... YOur SIL sounds like a dangerous P to me and as I have told before, I am very concerned about your daughter and your family assets. He is definitely cooking a financial ruin for her. It sounds to be a multifaceted N-deal: 1) he gets all the money 2) he reduces her to be absolutely dependent on him and to be constantly scared 3) when he will suck everything out of her, he most likely will D&D her and then YOU will be paying off all her financial disaster. Perfect revenge. I hope I am mistaken and it is not so. Again, I am very concerned for your family financial situation. ColColombinaTue, 15 May 2012 15:27:49 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187362,from=rss#post187362i guess i seem to be of a minority of male survivors. i don't like the word victim as i feel fortunate to have come out of the abusive relatonship (3 months ago) with 2 wonderful children. unfortunately my 3 year old is a powerful emotional tool for her to abuse me to the highest order. i think this is something i will just have to accept will happen as she will never stop as long as she knows she has this tool. i always knew while i was in the relationship that she was not on the same plannet as any other normal rational person. I'd become isolated, i was on pins all the time, my whole life seemed to be consumed with trying to work out how not to tick her off. imposible task. i only kinda reaslised I'd been in a seriously abusive relationship when my ex's mother told me to look up sociopath on the internet... so i did. every single personality trait fitted her down to a tee. it was quite scarey. I'm just so glad to be rid of her but i know i have a long road ahead before i'm truely free. so glad i found ths board!NoMore36Tue, 15 May 2012 15:06:19 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187361,from=rss#post187361quote:onedayatatime2012 wrote: He came outside-IN HIS BOXERS and proceeded to tell me it wasn't what it looked like. I was devastated to say the least. I cried the entire way home that night. I knew it was over. He came over the next day and tried to make me feel bad for surprising him at her house. He said it wasn't what i thought it was and he was mad at me because i had called my mom and his mom and told them what had happened. . They are such incredible pigs. This story is so heartbreaking, and yet so typical of an N. Vile, evil, disgusting pigs. EmTee1Tue, 15 May 2012 14:55:33 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187360,from=rss#post187360Why do they exist? I've done a lot of research on narcissism, and have read a lot of information that points towards family issues. In my N's case, I believe this is true. From what little I know of his family history, his parents were overly harsh in their expectations while being extremely cold towards him. I think this caused him to seek attention in any way he could get it, while forcing him to turn off his emotions so that he wouldn't get hurt by their indifference. For a long time that's what kept me around...I felt sorry for him, and wanted to give him the love that his parents had not. However, in my sister's case, that isn't true. Our parents were very loving and attentive, but she just seemed to be "born" that way. So honestly, I simply don't know. All I can do now is learn to recognize the signs, and protect myself in the future.SilvariaTue, 15 May 2012 14:19:30 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187359,from=rss#post187359  Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.[1] Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns.[1] Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.   Finally, I get why I keep getting wrapped up in the Nar-Web. I am not as codendent as I was in my younger years. Almost feel, I have matured and fixed this about myself, except for My Nar-sister. I can't handle her at all. I let her hurt me and get to me like no other. I think I she has been a source of my codendency, and with now gone, I moarn, and seek help to over come her not in my life. It seems so easy to others to do, but, I think she was such a need 4 me, as I was a supply 4 her. Now, that I am NC, with her, she continues to seek out any possible way to hurt me for the procieved abandanment, I have caused her. And she still, doesn't get it is from her hurtful "Pot Stirring" as - I call it. She had just played an estranged brother of mine, thru a rude text, that- He got married, and the Wedding was a Blast! I knew he stays away from family (parents deceased) it's just easier, bacause we fought so much (5 of us) ...always taking sides, never in same room. We now r in our 50's and 60's. I am the youngest. I just could not understand WHY , this Nar-Sister "Pot Stirrer", just had to throw his Wedding in my face! Like ...He likes me and not YOU! So, because I couldn't understand and see my emotions got caught up in the old codependent me, I knowing this brother lives 20 minutes away and Nar sister lives Out of State, I went to his house, after 10 years!!! I wanted closure! He didn't understand WHy I was upset! He clued me in , he is out with all siblings, cause it's easier, and there was NO WEDDING.!!!! They just tied the note at justice of peace after 20 years together for health insurance. When I told him "HOW HURT I WAS TO HEAR FROM NAR-SISTER ABOUT A WEDDING", HE LAUGHED, FIRST AT HER ILLNESS, TO DO THIS, BUT THEN,  EXPLAINED WHY he is out with all! But, I am 5th child and he is 4th child (18 months apart) and he lives 20 mins away. Why Am I Pushed Out Too? We talked, he saw my daughter, now 20, not 10. My new husband of 8 years, who he loved, and did not care for my cheating 1st husband. He hugged me, I cried, hell, we all cried! We are gonna get together again, he would like some of our deceased Fathers War Medals, as I want to split up my Mom's ashes, he has had, since she died, 2001. It validated how ill and Nar my sister really is, and I think it helped me to ensure him, being ex coda, that It isn't me or ever gonna be me, fighting, arguing or starting gossip. It was her! Closure to unwanted pain, my Nar-Sis inflicked, just plain out of no where.  BTW, she is now blocked from my phone as well as all emailing and Facebook contact. I am not well enough to be hurt by her again, but can gladly say..... ... Now,I know there was NO Wedding, and he told me he loved me. Just because we are not in a relationship. My nar-sis hurt me again! But I felt victorious in seeking truth! Thanks for listening! like2chat2Tue, 15 May 2012 14:07:58 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187358,from=rss#post187358I am so glad you have gotten a diagnosis and are feeling better now. I can really empathize on the N Mom thing. When I had mono, instead of taking me to the doctor, she shamed me for being sick so long and would not let me rest, This made the mono get worse until finally I had a friend take me to the doctor. Then of course, she blew off the importance of me needing to rest. They are horrible creatures. Hugs, HadHad Enough9Tue, 15 May 2012 13:07:14 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187357,from=rss#post187357Wow thanks for all the great tips! Thankfully ive never been moody only when i get really tired. I cant tell you how great it feels to not be ready to crash by 8 pm and the weight is melting off so fast. Off to get kelp! Im nc with N brother and sister and extremely lc with mother and xn. Life is n and drama free! Lol at the n asking if hiu took your pill, its thiroxin not prozac you tosser! Loli104Tue, 15 May 2012 12:51:13 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187356,from=rss#post187356This has been my first experience with heart break. I thought my Knight had arrived but he was the devil reincarnate. I have been thinking a lot to. Life is not fair at times yet SOMETHING GOOD must come out of it. I wrote in a post recently that just like our kids learn to live drug free in schools, and we are taught to take care of ourselves physically there are no bully rules, there should be some education on what NP's are. I know one thing...All of us will never be the same again. Onedayatatime...OMG!!!! I am soooo sorry that happen to you. We all have had horrible things happen but when we hear a story like your I feel so mad When someone shows you who they are...believe them. Maya Angelou glad2bemeTue, 15 May 2012 12:24:18 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187355,from=rss#post187355Loli I am sorry I got two posts confused. disregard the 50/50 kid thing. I do however understand your issues and would be of any support I can   I need to pull my head out of N fog for sure.glad2bemeTue, 15 May 2012 12:00:50 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187354,from=rss#post187354Every interesting Dr. Sam!  Thank you for posting this for us to listen to, HadHad Enough9Tue, 15 May 2012 11:59:15 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187353,from=rss#post187353i just get so frustrated because no matter how much i try to resolve this stuff in court, with lawyers, etc. nothing gets done to stop him from behaving this way. If i had done something like that he would have dragged me into court the next day and made a huge deal out of it. he does it and no one bats an eyelash. Meanwhile, my son is left confused and hurt over the whole thing. It seems that as long as he isnt physically abusing me or the kids no one seems to care. onedayatatime2012Tue, 15 May 2012 11:57:29 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187352,from=rss#post187352I to have a thyroid problem. It does create havoc in our bodies. The weight gain and fatigue are the worst part. I am managing mine as well. I had issues with xnp also due to the fact he used that to his advantage. If I was upset over his lies he would ask me if I took my pill today. They always use what they can to belittle you. I did not share children with my xnp so I did not have that problem. I'm sorry you have to continue to deal with him. That has got to be so hard. He sounds like such an A**. These are his children and a normal person would be 50/50 out of love for them. We know the NP's are anything but normal. There is a great book called "The Thyroid Diet" it explains the foods that help the thyroid function and also some that suppress it. It exlains a lot also about our moods and other things we can do to help. Read about Kelp and you will probably rush to the store for it. I really do wish you the best and if you ever want to talk about the thyroid issues PM me. Maybe we can exchange information to help one another.   When someone shows you who they are...believe them. Maya Angelouglad2bemeTue, 15 May 2012 11:51:58 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187351,from=rss#post187351They are control freaks. Anytime they have a chance, they will control the situation in order to punish us for whatever they have cooked up in their minds that we need to be punished for. It is too bad you have used up all of your days. I am a Mom too, and they use the children as much as they can to get to us. Hugs, HadHad Enough9Tue, 15 May 2012 11:44:35 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187350,from=rss#post187350Hi I have this problem too,was allways around 8 stone,fast forward halfway being with N gain 3 stone,freezing,tired etc was diagnosed hypo,they say stress is a major factor.kendalgalTue, 15 May 2012 11:43:53 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187349,from=rss#post187349My ex had told me that since we were having issues (the real issue was that he had a girlfriend that he would rather be with)maybe we should seperate for a while and try to work on things. I agreed since things were getting pretty bad. He told me he was going to stay at a buddy's house that lived near his work. I had a hunch that he was shacking up with his girlfriend so i found out where she lived and decided one night that i was going to find out for sure if he was in fact with her. I knew if i just assumed and said something to him that he would find a way to talk his way out of it and convince me that he was doing nothing wrong. I called my mom to babysit for me. I called my ex from my cell phone as i was driving to the suspected girlfriend's house. My ex was unaware that i was on my way. He told me how much he loved me and how much he hoped we could work things out and how he planned on coming home and having dinner with me and the kids the next night. I asked him about his "buddy" and if he was at the guys house at that moment. he said yes and he was getting ready to go to bed for the night. He said good night and we hung up. About 15 minutes later i pulled up at the girlfriends house and his truck was in the driveway. I pulled up, got out, and knocked on her front door. She came out and i told her that i would like to talk to my husband. He came outside-IN HIS BOXERS and proceeded to tell me it wasn't what it looked like. I was devastated to say the least. I cried the entire way home that night. I knew it was over. He came over the next day and tried to make me feel bad for surprising him at her house. He said it wasn't what i thought it was and he was mad at me because i had called my mom and his mom and told them what had happened. At that point it all began to unravel and i saw the true N inside of him. He became so cruel and heartless, and i began to see all of his lies and stories for what they really were. I felt completely decieved, confused and abandoned. It was (and still is) gut-wrenching.onedayatatime2012Tue, 15 May 2012 11:33:11 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187348,from=rss#post187348I am still fairly new to the posting thing, but i am frustrated by a situation and wanted to vent. Yesterday my son had a doctors appointment (this appt was scheduled weeks ago). I was unable to take him because my ex husband has made the children's medical issues his platform this year and i have exhausted all of my sick/vacation days at work. I told my ex this past friday that i would not be able to take our son to his appointment on monday. He told me it was no problem, he could take him, and he planned on taking him anyway. So monday he takes my son to the appointment at 11:30am. He then takes our son to his house to feed him lunch. I then get an email telling me that i have to come pick our son up from his house when i get done work. My ex lives 1 1/2 hours from me. I told him there was no way i could do that since i had to pick up our daughter and take her to girlscouts. Mind you, he had never discussed any of this with me prior to the appointment. Now he has my son at his house and decides i need to drop everything and drive to his house because he doesnt feel like bringing him home. I told him that he needed to bring our son home. he then told me that if i wanted him i would have to come get him because he had to do all of the driving for the doctors appointment that he helped me out with, and we are "co-parenting" so it is my turn to drive to him. And if i dont come get our son then he is just going to have to spend the night with him and he would take him to school in the morning. I told him that i expected him to bring my son home immediately. He refused, so my son spent the night with him and went to school this morning. I have not spoken to my son yet so i can only imagine the things my ex said to him last night. I get so frustrated about this stuff. God forbid if i had done something like this to my ex, but it is ok for him to make up the rules as he goes along. onedayatatime2012Tue, 15 May 2012 11:11:46 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187347,from=rss#post187347"The narcissist lacks empathy. He is, therefore, unable to meaningfully relate to other people and to truly appreciate what it is to be human. Instead, he withdraws inside, into a universe populated by avatars - simple or complex representations of parents, peers, role models, authority figures, and other members of his social milieu. There, in this twilight zone of simulacra, he develops "relationships" and maintains an on-going internal dialog with them." Read more here: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/journal88.html Watch videos you may have missed (most recent one at the bottom of the list) http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/narcissismvideos.html =================================================== $36 instead of USD $55!!! Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited in Barnes and Noble now COSTS $36 instead of USD $55!!! CLICK ON THIS LINK TO PURCHASE THE PRINT EDITION http://search.barnesandnoble.com/bookSearch/isbnInquiry.asp?r=1&ISBN=9788023833843 (Or, click on this link - http://www.bn.com - and search for "Sam Vaknin" or "Malignant Self Love"). NEW e-BOOK How to Divorce a Narcissist or a Psychopath - Click on this link now: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_DIVORCEABUSER NEW e-BOOK "Personality Disorders Revisited" - Click on this link now: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_PERSONALITY Buy TWO PRODUCTS and Get a FREE 30-minute chat with Sam Vaknin! Click on this link: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_FREECHAT Buy TWO PRODUCTS and Get the THIRD ONE FREE! Click on this link: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_GETTHIRDFREE ================================================== Abused? Stalked? Harassed? Victimized? Afraid? Confused? Need HELP? DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! You OWE IT to yourself and to YOUR LOVED ONES! Save $63!!! BUY SIXTEEN e-books about toxic relationships with narcissists and psychopaths - for the PRICE OF A SINGLE PRINT BOOK! Click on this link: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_SERIES samvakninTue, 15 May 2012 10:55:30 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187346,from=rss#post187346This strict and useful separation vanished with the rise of the malignant-narcissistic variant of individualism. It led to the emergence of idiosyncratic and fragmented standards of quality. No one knows what to expect, when, and from whom. Transacting business has become a form of psychological warfare. The customer has to rely on the goodwill of suppliers, manufacturers, and service providers - and often finds himself at their whim and mercy. "The client is always right" has gone the way of the dodo. "It's my (the supplier's or provider's) way or the highway" rules supreme.   This uncertainty is further exacerbated by the pandemic eruption of mental health disorders - 15% of the population are severely pathologized according to the latest studies. Antisocial behaviors - from outright crime to pernicious passive-aggressive sabotage - once rare in the workplace, are now abundant.   The ethos of teamwork, tempered collectivism, and collaboration for the greater good is now derided or decried. Conflict on all levels has replaced negotiated compromise and has become the prevailing narrative. Litigiousness, vigilante justice, use of force, and "getting away with it" are now extolled. Yet, conflicts lead to the misallocation of economic resources. They are non-productive and not conducive to sustaining good relations between producer or provider and consumer.   10. Moral relativism is the mirror image of rampant individualism. Social cohesion and discipline diminished, ideologies and religions crumbled, and anomic states substituted for societal order. The implicit contracts between manufacturer or service provider and customer and between employee and employer were shredded and replaced with ad-hoc negotiated operational checklists. Social decoherence is further enhanced by the anonymization and depersonalization of the modern chain of production (see point 5 above).   Nowadays, people facilely and callously abrogate their responsibilities towards their families, communities, and nations. The mushrooming rate of divorce, the decline in personal thrift, the skyrocketing number of personal bankruptcies, and the ubiquity of venality and corruption both corporate and political are examples of such dissipation. No one seems to care about anything. Why should the client or employer expect a different treatment?   As Weber observed largely correctly, the Protestant work ethic underlies the rise of modern capitalism. Calvinism regarded work as a form of worship and success as proof of divine approval. Protestants of all creeds valued time - God's-given gift - and sought to maximize its benefits.   But the Puritan and Non-conformist empathic values of a Commonwealth wherein everyone is equal before God and therefore deserves to be treated well and with respect were abandoned along the way. Even the infusion of Jewish values - charity, community, industriousness, the idea of progress and self-betterment, learning, and pragmatism - in the late 19th century failed to stop the erosion in communality and the rise of malignant, short-sighted narcissism, the anathema of the empathy.   11. The disintegration of the educational systems of the West made it difficult for employers to find qualified and motivated personnel. Courtesy, competence, ambition, personal responsibility, the ability to see the bigger picture (synoptic view), interpersonal aptitude, analytic and synthetic skills, not to mention numeracy, literacy, access to technology, and the sense of belonging which they foster - are all products of proper schooling.   12. Irrational beliefs, pseudo-sciences, and the occult rushed in to profitably fill the vacuum left by the crumbling education systems. These wasteful preoccupations encourage in their followers an overpowering sense of fatalistic determinism and hinder their ability to exercise judgment and initiative. The discourse of commerce and finance relies on unmitigated rationality and is, in essence, contractual. Irrationality is detrimental to the successful and happy exchange of goods and services.   13. Employers place no premium on empathy. Workers don't get paid more or differently if they are more conscientious, or more efficient, or more friendly. In an interlinked, globalized world, customers are fungible. There are so many billions of potential clients that customer loyalty has been rendered irrelevant. Marketing, showmanship, andnarcissistic bluster are far better appreciated by workplaces because they serve to attract clientele to be bilked and then discarded or ignored. =================================== Author Bio Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East, as well as many other books and ebooks about topics in psychology, relationships, philosophy, economics, and international affairs. He is the Editor-in-Chief of Global Politician and served as a columnist for Central Europe Review, PopMatters, eBookWeb , and Bellaonline, and as a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent. He was the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101. Visit Sam's Web site at http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com samvakninTue, 15 May 2012 10:54:24 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187345,from=rss#post187345The Demise of Empathy in Business and the Workplace By Sam Vaknin Author of "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" Empathy is at the foundation of both altruism and collaboration. Thus, while it does consume scarce resources, empathy confers important evolutionary advantages both from the individual's point of view (cooperation) and from the species's (altruism.)   Yet, we are witnessing a marked decline in both the ubiquity and utility of empathy. The decline in physical violence is not a good proxy to a supposed rise in empathy: aggressionand narcissism merely mutated into non-physical forms enabled by technology.   Whatever happened to empathy? Where have solidarity, charity, and compassion gone?   A series of earth-shattering social, economic, and technological trends converged to render empathy a tedious nuisance best avoided. Consider the precipitous decline of empathy in the world of business, in the workplace, and in relationships between suppliers and customers.   The trends that affect this marked shift are:   1. Disappearing Job security is a thing of the past. Itinerancy in various McJobs reduces the incentive to invest time, effort, and resources into a position that may not be yours next week. Brutal layoffs and downsizing traumatized the workforce and produced in the typical workplace a culture of obsequiousness, blind obeisance, the suppression of independent thought and speech, and avoidance of initiative and innovation. Many offices and shop floors now resemble prisons. Here uncertainty and predictability breed autism and narcissism.   2. Outsourcing and offshoring of back office (and, more recently, customer relations and research and development) functions sharply and adversely effected the quality of services from helpdesks to airline ticketing and from insurance claims processing to remote maintenance. Cultural mismatches between the (typically Western) client base and the offshore service department (usually in a developing country where labor is cheap and plenty) only exacerbated the breakdown of trust between customer and provider or supplier. Empathy is founded on trust in both donor and recipient.   3. The populace in developed countries are addicted to leisure time. Most people regard their jobs as a necessary evil, best avoided whenever possible. Hence phenomena like the permanent temp - employees who prefer a succession of temporary assignments to holding a proper job. The media and the arts contribute to this perception of work as a drag - or a potentially dangerous addiction (when they portray raging and abusive workaholics).   4. The other side of this dismal coin is workaholism:- the addiction to work. Far from valuing it, these addicts resent their dependence. The job performance of the typical workaholic leaves a lot to be desired. Workaholics are fatigued, suffer from ancillary addictions, and short attention spans. They frequently abuse substances, are narcissistic and destructively competitive (being driven, they are incapable of team work).   5. The depersonalization of manufacturing - the intermediated divorce between the artisan/worker and his client contributed a lot to the indifference and alienation of the common industrial worker, the veritable "anonymous cog in the machine".   Not only was the link between worker and product broken - but the bond between artisan and client was severed as well. Few employees know their customers or patrons first hand. It is hard to empathize with and care about a statistic, a buyer whom you have never met and never likely to encounter. It is easy in such circumstances to feel immune to the consequences of one's negligence and apathy at work. It is impossible to be proud of what you do and to be committed to your work - if you never set eyes on either the final product or the customer! Charlie Chaplin's masterpiece, "Modern Times" captured this estrangement brilliantly.   6. Many former employees of mega-corporations abandon the rat race and establish their own businesses - small and home enterprises. Undercapitalized, understaffed, and outperformed by the competition, these fledging and amateurish outfits usually spew out shoddy products and lamentable services - only to expire within the first year of business.   7. Despite decades of advanced notice, globalization caught most firms the world over by utter surprise. Ill-prepared and fearful of the onslaught of foreign competition, companies big and small grapple with logistical nightmares, supply chain calamities, culture shocks and conflicts, and rapacious competitors. Mere survival (and opportunistic managerial plunder) replaced client satisfaction as the prime value. Xenophobia manifests itself in the forms of anti-immigrant sentiments, politics, and policies.   8. The decline of the professional guilds on the one hand and the trade unions on the other hand greatly reduced worker self-discipline, pride, and peer-regulated quality control. Quality is monitored by third parties or compromised by being subjected to Procrustean financial constraints and concerns. The investigation of malpractice and its punishment are now at the hand of vast and ill-informed bureaucracies, either corporate or governmental. Once malpractice is exposed and admitted to, the availability of malpractice insurance renders most sanctions unnecessary or toothless. Corporations prefer to bury mishaps and malfeasance rather than cope with and rectify them.   9. The quality of one's work, and of services and products one consumed, used to be guaranteed. One's personal idiosyncrasies, eccentricities, and problems were left at home. Work was sacred and one's sense of self-worth depended on the satisfaction of one's clients. You simply didn't let your personal life affect the standards of your output.   samvakninTue, 15 May 2012 10:54:03 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187344,from=rss#post187344Whereas the hallmark of the classical family was that it had clear spatial and temporal coordinates - the virtual family has none. Its members can (and often do) live in different continents. They communicate by digital means. They have electronic mail (rather than the physical post office box). They have a "HOME page". They have a "webSITE".   In other words, they have the virtual equivalents of geographical reality, a "VIRTUAL reality" or "virtual existence". In the not so distant future, people will visit each other electronically and sophisticated cameras will allow them to do so in three-dimensional format.   The temporal dimension, which was hitherto indispensable in human interactions - being at the same place in the same time in order to interact - is also becoming unnecessary. Voicemail and videomail messages will be left in electronic "boxes" to be retrieved at the convenience of the recipient. Meetings in person will be made redundant with the advent of video-conferencing.   The family will not remain unaffected. A clear distinction will emerge between the biological family and the virtual family. A person will be born into the first but will regard this fact as accidental. Blood relations will count less than virtual relations. Individual growth will involve the formation of a virtual family, as well as a biological one (getting married and having children). People will feel equally at ease anywhere in the world for two reasons:   1. There will be no appreciable or discernible difference between geographical locations. Separate will no longer mean disparate. A McDonald's and a Coca-Cola and a Hollywood produced movie are already available everywhere and always. So will the internet treasures of knowledge and entertainment.   2. Interactions with the outside world will be minimized. People will conduct their lives more and more indoors. They will communicate with others (their biological original family included) via telecommunications devices and the internet. They will spend most of their time, work and create in the cyber-world. Their true (really, only) home will be their website. Their only reliably permanent address will be their e-mail address. Their enduring friendships will be with co-chatters. They will work from home, flexibly and independently of others. They will customize their cultural consumption using 500 channel televisions based on video on demand technology.   Hermetic and mutually exclusive universes will be the end result of this process. People will be linked by very few common experiences within the framework of virtual communities. They will haul their world with them as they move about. The miniaturization of storage devices will permit them to carry whole libraries of data and entertainment in their suitcase or backpack or pocket.   It is true that all these predictions are extrapolations of technological breakthroughs and devices, which are in their embryonic stages and are limited to affluent, English-speaking, societies in the West. But the trends are clear and they mean ever-increasing differentiation, isolation and individuation. This is the last assault, which the family will not survive. Already most households consist of "irregular" families (single parents, same sex, etc.). The rise of the virtual family will sweep even these transitory forms aside.   The Role of Technology   Technology had and has a devastating effect on the survival and functioning of core social units, such as the community/neighborhood and, most crucially, the family.   With the introduction of modern, fast transportation and telecommunications, it was no longer possible to confine the members of the family to the household, to the village, or even to the neighborhood. The industrial and, later information revolutions splintered the classical family and scattered its members as they outsourced the family's functions (such as feeding, education, and entertainment).   This process is on-going: interactions with the outside world are being minimized. People conduct their lives more and more indoors. They communicate with others (their biological original family included) via telecommunications devices and the internet. They spend most of their time, work and create in the cyber-world. Their true (really, only) home is their website or page on the social network du jour. Their only reliably permanent address is their e-mail address. Their enduring albeit ersatz friendships are with co-chatters. They work from home, flexibly and independently of others. They customize their cultural consumption using 500 channel televisions based on video on demand technology.   Hermetic and mutually exclusive universes will be the end result of this process. People will be linked by very few common experiences within the framework of virtual communities. They will haul their world with them as they move about. The miniaturization of storage devices will permit them to carry whole libraries of data and entertainment in their suitcase or backpack or pocket. They will no longer need or resort to physical interactions.   Consider screens:   Screens have been with us for centuries now: paintings are screens and so are windows. Yet, the very nature of screens has undergone a revolutionary transformation in the last decade or so. All the screens that preceded the PDA's (Personal Digital Assistant) and the smartphone's were inclusive of reality, they were AND screens: when you watched them you could not avoid ("screen out") data emanating from your physical environment. "Screen-AND-reality" was the prevalent modus operandi.   Consider the cinema, the television, and the personal computer (PC): even when entangled in the flow of information provided by these machines, you were still fully exposed to and largely aware of your surroundings. The screens of the past were one step removed: there was always a considerable physical distance between user and device and the field of vision extended to encompass copious peripheral input.   Now consider the iPhone or the digital camera: their screens, though tiny, monopolize the field of vision and exclude the world by design. The physical distance between retina and screen has shrunk to the point of vanishing. 3-D television with its specialty eyeglasses and total immersion is merely the culmination of this trend: the utter removal of reality from the viewer's experience. Modern screens are, therefore, OR screens: you either watch the screen OR observe reality. You cannot do both.   Modern technology allows us to reach out, but rarely to truly touch. It substitutes kaleidoscopic, brief, and shallow interactions for long, meaningful and deep relationships. Our abilities to empathize and to collaborate with each other are like muscles: they require frequent exercise. Gradually, we are being denied the opportunity to flex them and, thus, we empathize less; we collaborate more fitfully and inefficiently; we act more narcissistically and antisocially. Functioning society is rendered atomized and anomic by technology. =================================== Author Bio Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East, as well as many other books and ebooks about topics in psychology, relationships, philosophy, economics, and international affairs. He is the Editor-in-Chief of Global Politician and served as a columnist for Central Europe Review, PopMatters, eBookWeb , and Bellaonline, and as a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent. He was the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101. Visit Sam's Web site at http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com samvakninTue, 15 May 2012 10:52:32 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187343,from=rss#post187343The Demise of Empathy at Home and in the Family and the Role of Technology By Sam Vaknin Author of "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" Empathy is on a precipitous decline in the family and home environments. Technology is partly to blame, but so are other social and economic trends.   On June 9, 2005 the BBC reported about an unusual project underway in Sheffield (in the United Kingdom). The daily movements and interactions of a family living in a technology-laden, futuristic home are being monitored and recorded. "The aim is to help house builders predict how we will want to use our homes 10 or 20 years from now." - explained the reporter.   The home of the future may be quite a chilling - or uplifting - prospect, depending on one's prejudices and predilections.   Christopher Sanderson, of The Future Laboratory and Richard Brindley, of the Royal Institute of British Architects describe smaller flats with movable walls as a probable response to over-crowding. Home systems will cater to all the entertainment and media needs of the inhabitants further insulating them from their social milieu.   Even hobbies will move indoors. Almost every avocation - from cooking to hiking - can now be indulged at home with pro-am (professional-amateur) equipment. We may become self-sufficient as far as functions we now outsource - such as education and dry cleaning - go. Lastly, in the long-run, robots are likely to replace some pets and many human interactions.   These technological developments will have grave effects on family cohesion and functioning.   The family is the mainspring of support of every kind. It mobilizes psychological resources and alleviates emotional burdens. It allows for the sharing of tasks, provides material goods together with cognitive training. It is the prime socialization agent and encourages the absorption of information, most of it useful and adaptive.   This division of labour between parents and children is vital both to development and to proper adaptation. The child must feel, in a functional family, that s/he can share his experiences without being defensive and that the feedback that s/he is likely to receive will be open and unbiased. The only "bias" acceptable (because it is consistent with constant outside feedback) is the set of beliefs, values and goals that is internalized via imitation and unconscious identification.   So, the family is the first and the most important source of identity and of emotional support. It is a greenhouse wherein a child feels loved, accepted and secure - the prerequisites for the development of personal resources. On the material level, the family should provide the basic necessities (and, preferably, beyond), physical care and protection and refuge and shelter during crises.   Elsewhere, we have discussed the role of the mother (The Primary Object). The father's part is mostly neglected, even in professional literature. However, recent research demonstrates his importance to the orderly and healthy development of the child.   He participates in the day to day care, is an intellectual catalyst, who encourages the child to develop his interests and to satisfy his curiosity through the manipulation of various instruments and games. He is a source of authority and discipline, a boundary setter, enforcing and encouraging positive behaviors and eliminating negative ones. He also provides emotional support and economic security, thus stabilizing the family unit. Finally, he is the prime source of masculine orientation and identification to the male child - and gives warmth and love as a male to his daughter, without exceeding the socially permissible limits.   These traditional roles of the family are being eroded from both the inside and the outside. The proper functioning of the classical family was determined, to a large extent, by the geographical proximity of its members. They all huddled together in the "family unit" - an identifiable volume of physical space, distinct and different to other units. The daily friction and interaction between the members of the family molded them, influenced their patterns of behavior and their reactive patterns and determined how successful their adaptation to life would be.   With the introduction of modern, fast transportation and telecommunications, it was no longer possible to confine the members of the family to the household, to the village, or even to the neighborhood. The industrial revolution splintered the classical family and scattered its members.   Still, the result was not the disappearance of the family but the formation of nuclear families: leaner and meaner units of production. The extended family of yore (three or four generations) merely spread its wings over a greater physical distance - but in principle, remained almost intact.   Grandma and grandpa would live in one city with a few of the younger or less successful aunts and uncles. Their other daughters or sons would be married and moved to live either in another part of the same city, or in another geographical location (even in another continent). But contact was maintained by more or less frequent visits, reunions and meetings on opportune or critical occasions.   This was true well into the 1950s.   However, a series of developments in the second half of the twentieth century threatens to completely decouple the family from its physical dimension. We are in the process of experimenting with the family of the future: the virtual family. This is a family devoid of any spatial (geographical) or temporal identity. Its members do not necessarily share the same genetic heritage (the same blood lineage). It is bound mainly by communication, rather than by interests. Its domicile is cyberspace, its residence in the realm of the symbolic.   Urbanization and industrialization pulverized the structure of the family, by placing it under enormous pressures and by causing it to relegate most of its functions to outside agencies: education was taken over by schools, health - by (national or private) health plans, entertainment by television, interpersonal communication by telephony and computers, socialization by the mass media and the school system and so on.   Devoid of its traditional functions, subject to torsion and other elastic forces - the family was torn apart and gradually stripped of its meaning. The main functions left to the family unit were the provision of the comfort of familiarity (shelter) and serving as a physical venue for leisure activities.   The first role - familiarity, comfort, security, and shelter - was eroded by the global brands.   The "Home Away from Home" business concept means that multinational brands such as Coca-Cola and McDonalds foster familiarity where previously there was none. Needless to say that the etymological closeness between "family" and "familiar" is no accident. The estrangement felt by foreigners in a foreign land is, thus, alleviated, as the world is fast becoming mono-cultural.   The "Family of Man" and the "Global Village" have replaced the nuclear family and the physical, historic, village. A businessman feels more at home in any Sheraton or Hilton than in the living room of his ageing parents. An academician feels more comfortable in any faculty in any university than with his own nuclear or immediate family. One's oldneighborhood is a source of embarrassment rather than a fount of strength.   The family's second function - leisure activities - fell prey to the advance of the internet and digital and wireless telecommunications.   samvakninTue, 15 May 2012 10:52:07 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187342,from=rss#post187342The “Lone Wolf” Narcissist and His Prey By Sam Vaknin Author of "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" The narcissist’s False Self requires constant dollops of narcissistic supply (attention.) The narcissist’s sense of entitlement and innate superiority collide painfully with his unmitigated dependence on other people for the regulation of his labile sense of self-worth and the maintenance of his grandiose fantasies. Narcissists who are also psychopaths (antisocial) or schizoids choose to avoid the constant hurt and injuries entailed by this conflict by withdrawing from society – physically as well as psychologically - into a cocoon of self-delusion, confabulated narratives, and vivid dreams of triumph and revenge. They become “lone wolf” narcissists and prey on society at large by indiscriminately victimizing, abusing, and attacking any person unfortunate enough to cross their path. Inevitably, the lone wolf narcissist is in a constant state of deficient narcissistic supply, very much like a junkie deprived of access to his drug of choice. This overwhelming, unquenched, vampiric hunger coupled with an almost-psychotic state render the lone wolf narcissist dangerous to others. His aggression often turns to outright violence; his frustration to vindictive rage; his addiction to narcissistic supply drives him to coerce people – often randomly selected – to serve as sources of adulation, affirmation, and support; his detachment evolves into a loss of touch with reality, cognitive deficits, and utter misjudgement of his environment and milieu; he seeks fame and celebrity by all means available to him, even by resorting to crime and terrorism. Schizoids enjoy nothing and seemingly never experience pleasure (they are anhedonic). Even their nearest and dearest often describe them as "automata", "robots", or "machines". But the schizoid is not depressed or dysphoric, merely indifferent. Schizoids are uninterested in social relationships and bored or puzzled by interpersonal interactions. They are incapable of intimacy and have a very limited range of emotions and affect. Rarely does the schizoid express feelings, either negative (anger) or positive (happiness). Schizoids never pursue an opportunity to develop a close relationship. Schizoids are asexual - not interested in sex. Consequently, they appear cold, aloof, bland, stunted, flat, and "zombie"-like. They derive no satisfaction from belonging to a close-knit group: family, church, workplace, neighborhood, or nation. They rarely marry or have children. Schizoids are loners. Given the option, they invariably pursue solitary activities or hobbies. Inevitably, they prefer mechanical or abstract tasks and jobs that require such skills. Many computer hackers, crackers, and programmers are schizoids, for instance - as are some mathematicians and theoretical physicists. Schizoids are inflexible in their reactions to changing life circumstances and developments - both adverse and opportune. Faced with stress they may disintegrate, decompensate, and experience brief psychotic episodes or a depressive illness. Schizoids have few friends or confidants. They trust only first-degree relatives - but, even so, they maintain no close bonds or associations, not even with their immediate family. Schizoids pretend to be indifferent to praise, criticism, disagreement, and corrective advice (though, deep inside, they are not). They are creatures of habit, frequently succumbing to rigid, predictable, and narrowly restricted routines. From the outside, the schizoid's life looks "rudderless" and adrift. Like people with Asperger's Syndrome, schizoids fail to respond appropriately to social cues and rarely reciprocate gestures or facial expressions, such as smiles. As the DSM-IV-TR puts it, "they seem socially inept or superficial and self-absorbed". Many narcissists are also psychopaths. On my YouTube channel I have a video explaining the oh-so-subtle differences between the two. Still, like narcissists, psychopaths lack empathy and regard other people as mere instruments of gratification and utility or as objects to be manipulated. Psychopaths and narcissists have no problem to grasp ideas and to formulate choices, needs, preferences, courses of action, and priorities. But they are shocked when other people do the very same. Most people accept that others have rights and obligations. The psychopath rejects this quid pro quo. As far as he is concerned, only might is right. People have no rights and he, the psychopath, has no obligations that derive from the "social contract". The psychopath holds himself to be above conventional morality and the law. The psychopath cannot delay gratification. He wants everything and wants it now. His whims, urges, catering to his needs, and the satisfaction of his drives take precedence over the needs, preferences, and emotions of even his nearest and dearest. Consequently, psychopaths feel no remorse when they hurt or defraud others. They don't possess even the most rudimentary conscience. They rationalize their (often criminal) behavior and intellectualize it. Psychopaths fall prey to their own primitive defense mechanisms (such as narcissism, splitting, and projection). The psychopath firmly believes that the world is a hostile, merciless place, prone to the survival of the fittest and that people are either "all good" or "all evil". The psychopath projects his own vulnerabilities, weaknesses, and shortcomings unto others and forces them to behave the way he expects them to (this defense mechanism is known as "projective identification"). Like narcissists, psychopaths are abusively exploitative and incapable of true love or intimacy. Narcissistic psychopath are particularly ill-suited to participate in the give and take of civilized society. Many of them are misfits or criminals. White collar psychopaths are likely to be deceitful and engage in rampant identity theft, the use of aliases, constant lying, fraud, and con-artistry for gain or pleasure. Psychopaths are irresponsible and unreliable. They do not honor contracts, undertakings, and obligations. They are unstable and unpredictable and rarely hold a job for long, repay their debts, or maintain long-term intimate relationships. Psychopaths are vindictive and hold grudges. They never regret or forget a thing. They are driven, and dangerous. I wrote this in the Open Site Encyclopedia: "Always in conflict with authority and frequently on the run, psychopaths possess a limited time horizon and seldom make medium or long term plans. They are impulsive and reckless, aggressive, violent, irritable, and, sometimes, the captives of magical thinking, believing themselves to be immune to the consequences of their own actions. Thus, psychopaths often end up in jail, having repeatedly flouted social norms and codified laws. Partly to avoid this fate and evade the law and partly to extract material benefits from unsuspecting victims, psychopaths habitually lie, steal others' identities, deceive, use aliases, and con for "personal profit or pleasure" as the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual puts it." The Anxious Psychopath Psychopaths are said to be fearless and sang-froid. Their pain tolerance is very high. Still, contrary to popular perceptions and psychiatric orthodoxy, some psychopaths are actually anxious and fearful. Their psychopathy is a defense against an underlying and all-pervasive anxiety, either hereditary, or brought on by early childhood abuse. samvakninTue, 15 May 2012 10:50:45 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187341,from=rss#post187341This added instability gives this type of narcissist the feeling that all the dimensions of his life are changing simultaneously, that he is being "unshackled", that a transformation is in progress. This, of course, is an illusion. Those who know the narcissist, no longer trust his frequent "conversions", "decisions", "crises", "transformations", "developments" and "periods". They see through his pretensions, protestations, and solemn declarations into the core of his instability. They know that he is not to be relied upon. They know that with narcissists, temporariness is the only permanence. Narcissists hate routine. When a narcissist finds himself doing the same things over and over again, he gets depressed. He oversleeps, over-eats, over-drinks and, in general, engages in addictive, impulsive, reckless, and compulsive behaviours. This is his way of re-introducing risk and excitement into what he (emotionally) perceives to be a barren life. The problem is that even the most exciting and varied existence becomes routine after a while. Living in the same country or apartment, meeting the same people, doing essentially the same things (even with changing content) – all "qualify", in the eyes of the narcissist, as stultifying rote. The narcissist feels entitled. He feels it is his right – due to his intellectual or physical superiority – to lead a thrilling, rewarding, kaleidoscopic life. He wants to force life itself, or at least people around him, to yield to his wishes and needs, supreme among them the need for stimulating variety. This rejection of habit is part of a larger pattern of aggressive entitlement. The narcissist feels that the very existence of a sublime intellect (such as his) warrants concessions and allowances by others. Thus, standing in line is a waste of time better spent pursuing knowledge, inventing and creating. The narcissist should avail himself of the best medical treatment proffered by the most prominent medical authorities – lest the precious asset that is the narcissist is lost to Mankind. He should not be bothered with trivial pursuits – these lowly functions are best assigned to the less gifted. The devil is in paying precious attention to detail. Entitlement is sometimes justified in a Picasso or an Einstein. But few narcissists are either. Their achievements are grotesquely incommensurate with their overwhelming sense of entitlement and with their grandiose self-image. Of course, this overpowering sense of superiority often serves to mask and compensate for a cancerous complex of inferiority. Moreover, the narcissist infects others with his projected grandiosity and their feedback constitutes the edifice upon which he constructs his self-esteem. He regulates his sense of self worth by rigidly insisting that he is above the madding crowd while deriving his Narcissistic Supply from the very people he holds in deep contempt. But there is a second angle to this abhorrence of the predictable. Narcissists employ a host of Emotional Involvement Prevention Measures (EIPM's). Despising routine and avoiding it is one of these mechanisms. Their function is to prevent the narcissist from getting emotionally involved and, subsequently, hurt. Their application results in an "approach-avoidance repetition complex". The narcissist, fearing and loathing intimacy, stability and security – yet craving them – approaches and then avoids significant others or important tasks in a rapid succession of apparently inconsistent and disconnected cycles. Narcissist of Substance vs. Narcissist of Appearances Why do some narcissists end up being over-achievers, pillars of the community, and accomplished professionals - while their brethren fade into obscurity, having done little of note with their lives? There seem to be two types of narcissists: those who derive ample narcissistic supply from mere appearances and those whose narcissistic supply consists of doing substantial deeds, of acting as change-agents, of making a difference, and of creating and producing things of value. The former aim for celebrity (defined as "being famous for being famous"), the latter aim for careers in the limelight. The celebrity narcissist has a short attention span. He rapidly cycles between the idealization and devaluation of ideas, ventures, places, and people. This renders him unfit for team work. Though energetic and manic, he is indolent: he prefers the path of least resistance and adheres to shoddy standards of production. His lack of work ethic can partly be attributed to his overpowering sense of entitlement and to his magical thinking, both of which give rise to unrealistic expectations of effortless outcomes. The life of the celebrity narcissist is chaotic and characterized by inconsistency and by a dire lack of long-term planning and commitment. He is not really interested in people (except in their roles as instruments of instant gratification and sources of narcissistic supply). His learning and affected erudition are designed solely to impress and are, therefore, shallow and anecdotal. His actions are not geared towards creating works of lasting value, effecting change, or making a difference. All he cares about is attention: provoking and garnering it in copious quantities. The celebrity narcissist is, therefore, not above confabulating, plagiarizing, and otherwise using short-cuts to obtain his fix. The other strain of narcissist, the career narcissist, is very concerned with leaving his mark and stamp on the world. He feels a calling, often of cosmic significance. He is busy reforming his environment, transforming his milieu, making a difference, and producing and creating an oeuvre of standing value. His is a grandiose idée fixe which he cathexes. To scale these lofty self-imputed peaks and to realize his goals, the career narcissist acts with unswerving passion and commitment. He plans and inexorably and ruthlessly implements his schemes and stratagems, a workaholic in pursuit of glory and fame. The career narcissist does not recoil from cutting the odd corner, proffering the occasional confabulation, or absconding with the fruits of someone else's labor. But while these amount to the entire arsenal and the exclusive modus operandi of the celebrity narcissist, they are auxiliary as far as the career narcissist is concerned. His main weapon is toil. The career narcissist is a natural-born leader. When not a guru at the center of a cult, he operates as the first among equals in a team. This is where the differences between the celebrity narcissist and the career narcissist are most pronounced: the relationships maintained by the former are manipulative, exploitative, and ephemeral. The career narcissist, by comparison, is willing and able to negotiate, compromise, give-and-take, motivate others, induce loyalty, forge alliances and coalitions and benefit from these in the long-term. It is this capacity to network that guarantees him a place in the common memory and an abiding reputation among his peers. samvakninTue, 15 May 2012 10:49:39 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187340,from=rss#post187340http://narcissistpsychopathabuse.blogspot.com/2012/05/stable-narcissist-unstable-narcissist.html Stable Narcissist, Unstable Narcissist By Sam Vaknin Author of "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" Dependent on and addicted to fluctuating narcissistic supply, the narcissist’s life and mood are volatile. The classic narcissist maintains an island of stability in his life while the other dimensions of his existence wallow in chaos and unpredictability. The borderline narcissist reacts to instability in one area of his life by introducing chaos into all the others. The narcissist is a person who derives his Ego (and Ego functions) from other people's reactions to an image he invents and projects, called the False Self (Narcissistic Supply). Since no absolute control over the quantity and quality of Narcissistic Supply is possible – it is bound to fluctuate – the narcissist's view of himself and of his world is correspondingly and equally volatile. As "public opinion" ebbs and flows, so do the narcissist's self-confidence, self-esteem, sense of self-worth, or, in other words, so does his Self. Even the narcissist's convictions are subject to a never-ending process of vetting by others. The narcissistic personality is unstable in each and every one of its dimensions. It is the ultimate hybrid: rigidly amorphous, devoutly flexible, reliant for its sustenance on the opinion of people, whom the narcissist undervalues. A large part of this instability is subsumed under the Emotional Involvement Prevention Measures (EIPM) that I describe in theEssay. The narcissist's lability is so ubiquitous and so dominant – that it might well be described as the ONLY stable feature of his personality. The narcissist does everything with one goal in mind: to attract Narcissistic Supply (attention). An example of this kind of behaviour: The narcissist may study a given subject diligently and in great depth in order to impress people later with this newly acquired erudition. But, having served its purpose, the narcissist lets the knowledge thus acquired evaporate. The narcissist maintains a sort of a "short-term" cell or warehouse where he stores whatever may come handy in the pursuit of Narcissistic Supply. But he is almost never really interested in what he does, studies, and experiences. From the outside, this might be perceived as instability. But think about it this way: the narcissist is constantly preparing for life's "exams" and feels that he is on a permanent trial. It is common to forget material studied only in preparation for an exam or for a court appearance. Short-term memory is perfectly normal. What sets the narcissist apart is the fact that, with him, this short-termism is a CONSTANT state of affairs and affects ALL his functions, not only those directly related to learning, or to emotions, or to experience, or to any single dimension of his life. Thus, the narcissist learns, remembers and forgets not in line with his real interests or hobbies, he loves and hates not the real subjects of his emotions but one dimensional, utilitarian, cartoons constructed by him. He judges, praises and condemns – all from the narrowest possible point of view: the potential to extract Narcissistic Supply. He asks not what he can do with the world and in it – but what can the world do for him as far as Narcissistic Supply goes. He falls in and out of love with people, workplaces, residences, vocations, hobbies, interests – because they seem to be able to provide more or less Narcissistic Supply and for no other reason. Still, narcissists belong to two broad categories: the "compensatory stability" and the "enhancing instability" types. I. Compensatory Stability ("Classic") Narcissists These narcissists isolate one or more (but never most) aspects of their lives and "make these aspect/s stable". They do not really invest themselves in it. This stability is maintained by artificial means: money, celebrity, power, fear. A typical example is a narcissist who changes numerous workplaces, a few careers, a myriad of hobbies, value systems or faiths. At the same time, he maintains (preserves) a relationship with a single woman (and even remains faithful to her). She is his "island of stability". To fulfil this role, she just needs to be there for him physically. The narcissist is dependent upon "his" woman to maintain the stability lacking in all other areas of his life (to compensate for his instability). Yet, emotional closeness is bound to threaten the narcissist. Thus, he is likely to distance himself from her and to remain detached and indifferent to most of her needs. Despite this cruel emotional treatment, the narcissist considers her to be a point of exit, a form of sustenance, a fountain of empowerment. This mismatch between what he wishes to receive and what he is able to give, the narcissist prefers to deny, repress and bury deep in his unconscious. This is why he is always shocked and devastated to learn of his wife's estrangement, infidelity, or intentions to divorce him. Possessed of no emotional depth, being completely one track minded – he cannot fathom the needs of others. In other words, he cannot empathise. Another – even more common – case is the "career narcissist". This narcissist marries, divorces and remarries with dizzying speed. Everything in his life is in constant flux: friends, emotions, judgements, values, beliefs, place of residence, affiliations, hobbies. Everything, that is, except his work. His career is the island of compensating stability in his otherwise mercurial existence. This kind of narcissist is dogged by unmitigated ambition and devotion. He perseveres in one workplace or one job, patiently, persistently and blindly climbing up the corporate ladder and treading the career path. In his pursuit of job fulfilment and achievements, the narcissist is ruthless and unscrupulous – and, very often, successful. II. Enhancing Instability ("Borderline") Narcissist The other kind of narcissist enhances instability in one aspect or dimension of his life – by introducing instability in others. Thus, if such a narcissist resigns (or, more likely, is made redundant) – he also relocates to another city or country. If he divorces, he is also likely to resign his job. samvakninTue, 15 May 2012 10:49:15 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187339,from=rss#post187339"Our psyche is a battlefield between instinctual urges and drives (the id), the constraints imposed by reality on the gratification of these impulses (the ego), and the norms of society (the superego)." Read more here: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/personalitydisorders21.html =================================================== Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited in Barnes and Noble now COSTS $36 instead of $55!!! CLICK ON THIS LINK TO PURCHASE THE PRINT EDITION http://search.barnesandnoble.com/bookSearch/isbnInquiry.asp?r=1&ISBN=9788023833843 (Or, click on this link - http://www.bn.com - and search for "Sam Vaknin" or "Malignant Self-love"). Abused? Stalked? Harassed? Victimized? Afraid? Confused? Need HELP? DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! You OWE IT to yourself and to YOUR LOVED ONES! Save $63!!! BUY SIXTEEN e-books about toxic relationships with narcissists and psychopaths - for the PRICE OF A SINGLE PRINT BOOK! Click on this link: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_SERIES samvakninTue, 15 May 2012 10:48:01 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187338,from=rss#post187338Click on this link now: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_COPING How to Cope with Narcissistic and Psychopathic Abusers and Stalkers How to cope with stalkers, bullies, narcissists, psychopaths, and other abusers in the family, community, and workplace. How to navigate a system, which is often hostile to the victim: the courts, law enforcement (police), psychotherapists, evaluators, and social or welfare services. Tips, advice, and information.samvakninTue, 15 May 2012 10:46:22 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187337,from=rss#post187337The Decline of Empathy: In Business, the Workplace, and the Family [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/The-Decline-Empathy-Workplace-ebook/dp/B0081DDKZU Empathy is at the foundation of both altruism and collaboration. Thus, while it does consume scarce resources, empathy confers important evolutionary advantages both from the individual’s point of view (cooperation) and from the species’s (altruism.) Yet, we are witnessing a marked decline in both the ubiquity and utility of empathy. The decline in physical violence is not a good proxy to a supposed rise in empathy: aggressionand narcissism merely mutated into non-physical forms enabled by technology. Whatever happened to empathy? Where have solidarity, charity, and compassion gone? Kindle Books about Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Abusive Relationships - click on this link: https://www.amazon.com/author/samvaknin In the page that opens, cick on "See all books" next to "Books by Sam Vaknin". In the new page that opens, click on "Kindle Edition" under Format)samvakninTue, 15 May 2012 10:45:12 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187336,from=rss#post187336http://narcissistpsychopathabuse.blogspot.com/2012/05/narcissist-consumed-by-gap-between-drab.html Narcissist Consumed by Gap between Drab Reality and Grandiose Fantasy By Sam Vaknin Author of "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" The narcissist often strikes people are "laid back" - or, less charitably: lazy, parasitic, spoiled, and self-indulgent. But, as usual with narcissists, appearances deceive. Narcissists are either compulsively driven over-achievers - or chronic under-achieving wastrels. Most of them fail to make full and productive use of their potential and capacities. Many avoid even the now standard path of an academic degree, a career, or family life. The disparity between the accomplishments of the narcissist and his grandiose fantasies and inflated self-image - the Grandiosity Gap - is staggering and, in the long run, insupportable. It imposes onerous exigencies on the narcissist's grasp of reality and social skills. It pushes him either to seclusion or to a frenzy of "acquisitions" - cars, women, wealth, power. Yet, no matter how successful the narcissist is - many of them end up being abject failures - the Grandiosity Gap can never be bridged. The narcissist's False Self is so unrealistic and his Superego so sadistic that there is nothing the narcissist can do to extricate himself from the Kafkaesque trial that is his life. The narcissist is a slave to his own inertia. Some narcissists are forever accelerating on the way to ever higher peaks and ever greener pastures. Others succumb to numbing routines, the expenditure of minimal energy, and to preying on the vulnerable. But either way, the narcissist's life is out of control, at the mercy of merciless inner voices and internal forces. Narcissists are one-state machines, programmed to extract Narcissistic Supply from others. To do so, they develop early on a set of immutable routines. This propensity for repetition, this inability to change and rigidity confine the narcissist, stunt his development, and limit his horizons. Add to this his overpowering sense of entitlement, his visceral fear of failure, and his invariable need to both feel unique and be perceived as such - and one often ends up with a recipe for inaction. The under-achieving narcissist dodges challenges, eludes tests, shirks competition, sidesteps expectations, ducks responsibilities, evades authority - because he is afraid to fail and because doing something everyone else does endangers his sense of uniqueness. Hence the narcissist's apparent 'laziness" and "parasitism". His sense of entitlement - with no commensurate accomplishments or investment - aggravates his milieu. People tend to regard such narcissists as "spoiled brats". In specious contrast, the over-achieving narcissist seeks challenges and risks, provokes competition, embellishes expectations, aggressively bids for responsibilities and authority and seems to be possessed with an eerie self-confidence. People tend to regard such specimen as "entrepreneurial", "daring", "visionary", or "tyrannical". Yet, these narcissists too are mortified by potential failure, driven by a strong conviction of entitlement, and strive to be unique and be perceived as such. Their hyperactivity is merely the flip side of the under-achiever's inactivity: it is as fallacious and as empty and as doomed to miscarriage and disgrace. It is often sterile or illusory, all smoke and mirrors rather than substance. The precarious "achievements" of such narcissists invariably unravel. They often act outside the law or social norms. Their industriousness, workaholism, ambition, and commitment are intended to disguise their essential inability to produce and build. Theirs is a whistle in the dark, a pretension, a Potemkin life, all make-belief and thunder.samvakninTue, 15 May 2012 10:43:45 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187335,from=rss#post187335-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Psychological Signs and Symptoms [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/Psychological-Signs-and-Symptoms-ebook/dp/B0073VC836 Symptoms are the patient's complaints. They are highly subjective and amenable to suggestion and to alterations in the patient's mood and other mental processes. Symptoms are no more than mere indications. Signs, on the other hand, are objective and measurable. Signs are evidence of the existence, stage, and extent of a pathological state. Headache is a symptom - short-sightedness (which may well be the cause of the headache) is a sign. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Psychological Tests and Interviews [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/Psychological-Tests-and-Interviews-ebook/dp/B00793764O I. Introduction II. MMPI-2 Test III. MCMI-III Test IV. Rorschach Inkblot Test V. TAT Diagnostic Test VI. Structured Interviews VII. Disorder-specific Tests VIII.PCL-R Test APPENDIX: Common Problems with Psychological Laboratory Tests -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Short Fiction about Narcissism and Mental Health [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/Fiction-Narcissism-Mental-Health-ebook/dp/B0054JJXIW Short fiction about narcissists, psychopaths, pathological narcissism, and mental health disorders. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Conundrums of Psychology [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/The-Conundrums-of-Psychology-ebook/dp/B00559B6LI The fundamental assumptions underlying the modern study of psychopathology examined. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The DSM V and the Concept of Mental Illness Lecture Notes [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/Concept-Mental-Illness-Lecture-ebook/dp/B0079314AQ The DSM V approach to the concepts of normalcy and mental illness, with special emphasis on personality disorders and the insanity defense. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Developmental Psychology of Psychopathology [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/The-Developmental-Psychology-Psychopathology-ebook/dp/B0054JIQIK Psychopathology as the outcome of problems in early childhood development. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Narcissist and Psychopath in Therapy [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/The-Narcissist-Psychopath-Therapy-ebook/dp/B00708NLXI Can narcissists and psychopaths be cured? Can their behaviour be modified? How are these mental health disorders diagnosed? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Narcissist and the Psychopath in the Workplace [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/The-Narcissist-Psychopath-Workplace-ebook/dp/B00708XMSC How to identify narcissistic and psychopathic bullies (colleagues, bosses, suppliers, authority figures) in the workplace and how to cope with them. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Narcissist's Mother [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/The-Narcissists-Mother-ebook/dp/B0073ETR5A Early childhood conflicts with the narcissist’s mother shape his traits, personality, and behavior patterns as an adult. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Narcissist's Psychosexuality [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/The-Narcissists-Psychosexuality-ebook/dp/B0075CFY7K Cerebral narcissists use their intellect, intelligence, and verbal skills to derive narcissistic supply. Somatic narcissists leverage their body and sexuality to secure an uninterrupted flow of supply. Each narcissist is either predominantly cerebral or somatic, but there is no type-constancy: the dominant type gives way to the recessive type in times of scarce, deficient, or absent supply (for instance: following a major life crisis). Narcissists are also prone to incest and sexual paraphilias such as pedophilia and fetishism. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Psychology of Serial and Mass Killers [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/Psychology-Serial-Mass-Killers-ebook/dp/B0073V99PQ Serial killers represent a dual failure - of their own development as full-fledged, productive individuals - and of the culture and society they grow in. In a pathologically narcissistic civilization - social anomies proliferate. Such societies breed malignant objectifiers - people devoid of empathy - also known as "narcissists". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Toxic Relationships: Abuse and its Aftermath [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Relationships-Abuse-Aftermath-ebook/dp/B00708XL5G How to identify abuse, cope with it, survive it, and deal with your abuser. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WORKBOOK (Tests and Exercises) Toxic Relationships: Abuse and its Aftermath [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/WORKBOOK-Tests-Exercises-Relationships-ebook/dp/B00709FRMU Self-assessment questionnaires, tips, and tests for victims of abusers, batterers, and stalkers in various types of relationships. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Women in Relationships with Narcissists and Psychopaths: Mates, Spouses, and Intimate Partners [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/Women-Relationships-Narcissists-Psychopaths-ebook/dp/B007GB4NR2 The psychological makeup of women in relationships with narcissists and psychopaths; the dynamics of such relationships; typical behavior patterns; and expected outcomes. Includes tips and advice on how to cope with abusers in intimate relationships.samvakninTue, 15 May 2012 10:42:41 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187334,from=rss#post187334 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Narcissism, Group Behavior, and Terrorism [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/Narcissism-Group-Behavior-Terrorism-ebook/dp/B007C4WI84 In the absence of legitimate political venues of airing grievances, terrorism is sometimes the only mode of expression. It also guarantees social mobility and respectability. It restores the terrorists' feelings of omnipotence, omnipresence ("we are everywhere and to be feared globally"), and omniscience ("we know best because we are the righteous") which are repeatedly shattered by the West's clear superiority in every conceivable field. Terrorism is, therefore, a form of mass therapy through shared psychosis. This is an especially insidious recipe. As long as people are narcissistically injured, envious, and rageful - terrorism is here to stay. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Catechism [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-Personality-Disorder-Catechism-ebook/dp/B0072UZIHG Questions and answers regarding all aspects of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in intimate relationships. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and Other Mental Health Issues (Co-Morbidity and Dual Diagnosis) [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-Personality-Co-Morbidity-Diagnosis-ebook/dp/B007A6D8SS Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is often diagnosed together with Schizoid and Paranoid Personality Disorders; Histrionic Personality Disorder) and Somatic Narcissism; Depression; Dissociative Identity Disorder; Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder; Bipolar Disorder; Asperger's Disorder; Generalized Anxiety Disorder; Borderline Personality Disorder; Schizotypal Personality Disorder; Psychosis; Antisocial Personality Disorder (Psychopathy); Neuroses; Masochism; and Sexual Perversions (paraphilias.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Narcissistic Supply: The Narcissist's Drug [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-Supply-Narcissists-Drug-ebook/dp/B00746L6QU I. What is Narcissistic Supply? II. What are the functions of Narcissistic Supply in the narcissistic pathology? III. Why does the narcissist devalue his Source of Secondary Narcissistic Supply (SSNS)? IV. Could negative input serve as Narcissistic Supply (NS)? V. Does the narcissist want to be liked? VI. How does the narcissist treat his former Sources of Narcissistic Supply? VII. How does the Narcissist React to Deficient Narcissistic Supply? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Narcissistic and Psychopathic Leaders [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-and-Psychopathic-Leaders-ebook/dp/B00559B6AO  Narcissistic and psychopathic leaders come in all shapes and degrees of virulence. Learn to recognize them in various settings (the workplace, religion, politics) and to cope with the toxic fallout of their "leadership". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Narcissists and Women [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/Narcissists-and-Women-ebook/dp/B0073VDTKC Narcissists are misogynists, women-haters. Women represent sex, intimacy, and family and, therefore, mediocrity. The narcissist divides all women into sluttish huntresses and sexless saints. He aims to frustrate and subjugate them. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Personality Disorders Revisited [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/Personality-Disorders-Revisited-ebook/dp/B00708SLRE 450 pages about Borderline, Narcissistic, Antisocial-Psychopathic, Histrionic, Paranoid, Obsessive-Compulsive, Schizoid, Schizotypal, Masochistic, Sadistic, Depressive, Negativistic-Passive-Aggressive, Dependent, and other Personality Disorders. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Personality Disorders: Use and Abuse of Differential Diagnoses [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/Personality-Disorders-Differential-Diagnoses-ebook/dp/B0072UZI1C The differential diagnoses in the personality disorders section of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) contain many overlaps and culture-bound artefacts. The categorical (non-dimensional) taxonomy leads to multiple diagnoses (co-morbidity) in the same patient. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mini Dictionary of Mental Health and Psychology [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/Dictionary-Mental-Health-Psychology-ebook/dp/B007A56CCS A mini dictionary of mental health disorders, psychological tests and interviews, signs and symptoms, and psychological defenses. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Psychological Defense Mechanisms [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/Psychological-Defense-Mechanisms-ebook/dp/B007931L3Q According to Freud and his followers, our psyche is a battlefield between instinctual urges and drives (the id), the constraints imposed by reality on the gratification of these impulses (the ego), and the norms of society (the superego). This constant infighting generates what Freud called "neurotic anxiety" (fear of losing control) and "moral anxiety" (guilt and shame). But these are not the only types of anxiety. "Reality anxiety" is the fear of genuine threats and it combines with the other two to yield a morbid and surrealistic inner landscape. These multiple, recurrent, "mini-panics" are potentially intolerable, overwhelming, and destructive. Hence the need to defend against them. There are dozens of defense mechanisms. The most common among them are listed and described in this booklet. samvakninTue, 15 May 2012 10:42:23 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187333,from=rss#post187333Kindle Books about Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Abusive Relationships - click on this link: https://www.amazon.com/author/samvaknin In the page that opens, cick on "See all books" next to "Books by Sam Vaknin". In the new page that opens, click on "Kindle Edition" under Format) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How to Cope with Narcissistic and Psychopathic Abusers and Stalkers [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-Psychopathic-Abusers-Stalkers-ebook/dp/B0080X5LYE How to cope with stalkers, bullies, narcissists, psychopaths, and other abusers in the family, community, and workplace. How to navigate a system, which is often hostile to the victim: the courts, law enforcement (police), psychotherapists, evaluators, and social or welfare services. Tips, advice, and information. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Aging Narcissist: Three Perspectives [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/The-Aging-Narcissist-Perspectives-ebook/dp/B007YUUQVM/ The narcissist ages without mercy and without grace. His withered body and his overwrought mind betray him all at once. He stares with incredulity and rage at cruel mirrors. He refuses to accept his growing fallibility. He rebels against his decrepitude and mediocrity. Accustomed to being awe-inspiring and the recipient of adulation - the narcissist cannot countenance his social isolation and the pathetic figure that he cuts. The narcissist suffers from mental progeria. Subject to childhood abuse, he ages prematurely and finds himself in a time warp, constantly in the throes of a midlife crisis. On the other hand, he is a puer aeternus, an eternal child: immature, sulking and pouting, unable to delay gratification, unwilling to commit or to assume adult roles and chores. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Violent, Vindictive, Sadistic, and Psychopathic Narcissists [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/Vindictive-Sadistic-Psychopathic-Narcissists-ebook/dp/B007XV3NM6/ Narcissists are not prone to "irresistible impulses" and dissociation (blanking out certain stressful events and actions). They more or less fully control their behavior and acts at all times. But exerting control over one's conduct requires the investment of resources, both mental and physical. Narcissists regard this as a waste of their precious time, or a humiliating chore. Lacking empathy, they don't care about other people's feelings, needs, priorities, wishes, preferences, and boundaries. As a result, narcissists are awkward, tactless, painful, taciturn, abrasive and insensitive. They are also prone to rage attacks and tempedr tantrums which they turn on and off at will. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Abuse, Trauma, and Torture - Their Consequences and Effects [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/Abuse-Trauma-Torture-Consequences-ebook/dp/B0054JIP5O The effects on victims and survivors of traumatic experiences, long-term and repeated abuse, and torture. Includes in-depth profile of the Narcissistic Abuser and hundreds of links to literature and resources. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Coping with Stalking and Stalkers [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/Coping-Stalking-Stalkers-ebook/dp/B00720H3C4 Stalkers are not made of one cloth. Some of them are psychopaths, others are schizoids, narcissists, paranoids, or an admixture of these mental health disorders. Stalkers harass their victims because they are lonely, or because it is fun (these are latent sadists), or because they can't help it (clinging or co-dependent behaviour), or for a myriad different reasons. Clearly, coping techniques suited to one type of stalker may backfire or prove to be futile with another. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cyclopedic Index of Narcissistic and Other Personality Disorder [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/Cyclopedic-Narcissistic-Personality-Disorder-ebook/dp/B007FT59S2 Links to more than 250 online encyclopedic entries about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Self-love, Narcissism, Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Relationships with Abusers, Stalkers, and Bullies. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- EXCERPTS ONLY Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/EXCERPTS-ONLY-Malignant-Self-love-ebook/dp/B007185TO6 Narcissistic Personality Disorder and abusive relationships with narcissists and psychopaths described and analyzed in 100+ frequently asked questions (FAQs), and dozens of topical articles. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Excerpts and Case Studies from the Archives of the Narcissistic Abuse Study Group [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/Excerpts-Studies-Archives-Narcissistic-ebook/dp/B007097R7S Hundreds of excerpts from the archives of the Narcissistic Abuse Study List regarding Pathological Narcissism, relationships with abusive narcissists and psychopaths, and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How to Divorce a Narcissist or a Psychopath [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/How-Divorce-Narcissist-Psychopath-ebook/dp/B00759NMQ8 Divorcing a narcissist or a psychopath is no easy or dangerless task. This book is no substitute for legal aid, though it does provide copious advice on anything from hiring an attorney, to domestic violence shelters, planning your getaway, involving the police, and obtaining restraining orders. Issues from court-mandated evaluation to custody are elaborated upon. The book describes the psychology of psychopathic narcissists, paranoids, bullies and stalkers and guides you through dozens of coping strategies and techniques, especially if you have shared children. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How to Recognize a Narcissist or a Psychopath on Your First Date, before It is Too Late [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/Recognize-Narcissist-Psychopath-before-ebook/dp/B007G9TYUU Is there anything you can do to avoid abusers and narcissists to start with? Are there any warning signs, any identifying marks, rules of thumb to shield you from the harrowing and traumatic experience of an abusive relationship? Imagine a first or second date. You can already tell if he is a would-be abuser. This booklet tells you how. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How to Survive Relationships with Narcissists and Psychopaths [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/Survive-Relationships-Narcissists-Psychopaths-ebook/dp/B007BBWFYU Rescue fantasies, malignant optimism, how to love, live with, or abandon a narcissist, narcissistic tactics, relationship dynamics, remaining friends with the narcissist. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited - Frequently Asked Questions [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/Malignant-Self-love-Narcissism-Frequently-ebook/dp/B007093HIG Dozens of Frequently Asked Questions regarding Pathological Narcissism, relationships with abusive narcissists and psychopaths, and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited - The Essay [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/Malignant-Self-love-Narcissism-Revisited-ebook/dp/B0070956N0 Psychodynamic study of pathological narcissism, relationships with abusive narcissists and psychopaths, and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder, using a new vocabulary. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Narcissism Book of Quotes [Kindle Edition] http://www.amazon.com/Narcissism-Book-of-Quotes-ebook/dp/B0075EVV0M A collection of quotes from the collective wisdom of 12000 online discussions about narcissists, psychopaths, and narcissistic abuse samvakninTue, 15 May 2012 10:41:43 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187332,from=rss#post187332Thus, one must question the classical differentiation between 'internal' and 'external'. Some illnesses are considered 'endogenic' (generated from the inside). Natural, 'internal', causes - a heart defect, a biochemical imbalance, a genetic mutation, a metabolic process gone awry - cause disease. Aging and deformities also belong in this category. In contrast, problems of nurturance and environment - early childhood abuse, for instance, or malnutrition - are 'external' and so are the 'classical' pathogens (germs and viruses) and accidents. But this, again, is a counter-productive approach. Exogenic and endogenic pathogenesis is inseparable. Mental states increase or decrease the susceptibility to externally induced disease. Talk therapy or abuse (external events) alter the biochemical balance of the brain. The inside constantly interacts with the outside and is so intertwined with it that all distinctions between them are artificial and misleading. The best example is, of course, medication: it is an external agent, it influences internal processes and it has a very strong mental correlate (its efficacy is influenced by mental factors as in the placebo effect). The very nature of dysfunction and sickness is highly culture-dependent. Societal parameters dictate right and wrong in health (especially mental health). It is all a matter of statistics. Certain diseases are accepted in certain parts of the world as a fact of life or even a sign of distinction (e.g., the paranoid schizophrenic as chosen by the gods). If there is no dis-ease there is no disease. That the physical or mental state of a person CAN be different - does not imply that it MUST be different or even that it is desirable that it should be different. In an over- populated world, sterility might be the desirable thing - or even the occasional epidemic. There is no such thing as ABSOLUTE dysfunction. The body and the mind ALWAYS function. They adapt themselves to their environment and if the latter changes - they change. Personality disorders are the best possible responses to abuse. Cancer may be the best possible response to carcinogens. Aging and death are definitely the best possible response to over-population. Perhaps the point of view of the single patient is incommensurate with the point of view of his species - but this should not serve to obscure the issues and derail rational debate. As a result, it is logical to introduce the notion of 'positive aberration'. Certain hyper- or hypo- functioning can yield positive results and prove to be adaptive. The difference between positive and negative aberrations can never be "objective". Nature is morally-neutral and embodies no 'values' or 'preferences'. It simply exists. WE, humans, introduce our value systems, prejudices and priorities into our activities, science included. It is better to be healthy, we say, because we feel better when we are healthy. Circularity aside - this is the only criterion that we can reasonably employ. If the patient feels good - it is not a disease, even if we all think it is. If the patient feels bad, ego-dystonic, unable to function - it is a disease, even when we all think it isn't. Needless to say that I am referring to that mythical creature, the fully informed patient. If someone is sick and knows no better (has never been healthy) - then his decision should be respected only after he is given the chance to experience health. All the attempts to introduce 'objective' yardsticks of health are plagued and philosophically contaminated by the insertion of values, preferences and priorities into the formula - or by subjecting the formula to them altogether. One such attempt is to define health as 'an increase in order or efficiency of processes' as contrasted with illness which is 'a decrease in order (increase of entropy) and in the efficiency of processes'. While being factually disputable, this dyad also suffers from a series of implicit value-judgements. For instance, why should we prefer life over death? Order to entropy? Efficiency to inefficiency?" To sum up: Are personality disorders the outcomes of inherited traits? Are they brought on by abusive and traumatizing upbringing? Or, maybe they are the sad results of the confluence of both? To identify the role of heredity, researchers have resorted to a few tactics: they studied the occurrence of similar psychopathologies in identical twins separated at birth, in twins and siblings who grew up in the same environment, and in relatives of patients (usually across a few generations of an extended family). Tellingly, twins - both those raised apart and together - show the same correlation of personality traits, 0.5 (Bouchard, Lykken, McGue, Segal, and Tellegan, 1990). Even attitudes, values, and interests have been shown to be highly affected by genetic factors (Waller, Kojetin, Bouchard, Lykken, et al., 1990). A review of the literature demonstrates that the genetic component in certain personality disorders (mainly the Antisocial and Schizotypal) is strong (Thapar and McGuffin, 1993). Nigg and Goldsmith found a connection in 1993 between the Schizoid and Paranoid personality disorders and schizophrenia. The three authors of the Dimensional Assessment of Personality Pathology (Livesley, Jackson, and Schroeder) joined forces with Jang in 1993 to study whether 18 of the personality dimensions were heritable. They found that 40 to 60% of the recurrence of certain personality traits across generations can be explained by heredity: anxiousness, callousness, cognitive distortion, compulsivity, identity problems, oppositionality, rejection, restricted expression, social avoidance, stimulus seeking, and suspiciousness. Each and every one of these qualities is associated with a personality disorder. In a roundabout way, therefore, this study supports the hypothesis that personality disorders are hereditary. This would go a long way towards explaining why in the same family, with the same set of parents and an identical emotional environment, some siblings grow to have personality disorders, while others are perfectly "normal". Surely, this indicates a genetic predisposition of some people to developing personality disorders. Read More Liveslye, W.J., Jank, K.L., Jackson, B.N., Vernon, P.A.. 1993. Genetic and environmental contributions to dimensions of personality disorders. Am. J. Psychiatry. 150(O12):1826-31. On Dis-ease - click HERE! The Interrupted Self - click HERE! The Genetic Roots of Narcissism - Click HERE!samvakninTue, 15 May 2012 10:40:11 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187331,from=rss#post187331http://narcissistpsychopathabuse.blogspot.com/2012/05/is-narcissism-genetically-inherited-sam.html Is Narcissism Genetically Inherited?  By Sam Vaknin Author of "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" Is pathological narcissism the outcome of inherited traits - or the sad result of abusive and traumatizing upbringing? Or, maybe it is the confluence of both? It is a common occurrence, after all, that, in the same family, with the same set of parents and an identical emotional environment - some siblings grow to be malignant narcissists, while others are perfectly "normal". Surely, this indicates a predisposition of some people to developing narcissism, a part of one's genetic heritage. This vigorous debate may be the offshoot of obfuscating semantics. When we are born, we are not much more than the sum of our genes and their manifestations. Our brain - a physical object - is the residence of mental health and its disorders. Mental illness cannot be explained without resorting to the body and, especially, to the brain. And our brain cannot be contemplated without considering our genes. Thus, any explanation of our mental life that leaves out our hereditary makeup and our neurophysiology is lacking. Such lacking theories are nothing but literary narratives. Psychoanalysis, for instance, is often accused of being divorced from corporeal reality. Our genetic baggage makes us resemble a personal computer. We are an all-purpose, universal, machine. Subject to the right programming (conditioning, socialization, education, upbringing) - we can turn out to be anything and everything. A computer can imitate any other kind of discrete machine, given the right software. It can play music, screen movies, calculate, print, paint. Compare this to a television set - it is constructed and expected to do one, and only one, thing. It has a single purpose and a unitary function. We, humans, are more like computers than like television sets. True, single genes rarely account for any behaviour or trait. An array of coordinated genes is required to explain even the minutest human phenomenon. "Discoveries" of a "gambling gene" here and an "aggression gene" there are derided by the more serious and less publicity-prone scholars. Yet, it would seem that even complex behaviours such as risk taking, reckless driving, and compulsive shopping have genetic underpinnings. What about the Narcissistic Personality Disorder? It would seem reasonable to assume - though, at this stage, there is not a shred of proof - that the narcissist is born with a propensity to develop narcissistic defences. These are triggered by abuse or trauma during the formative years in infancy or during early adolescence (see http://samvak.tripod.com/faq64.html). By "abuse" I am referring to a spectrum of behaviours which objectifies the child and treats it as an extension of the caregiver (parent) or an instrument. Dotting and smothering are as much abuse as beating and starving. And abuse can be dished out by peers as well as by adult role models. Still, I would have to attribute the development of NPD mostly to nurture. The Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an extremely complex battery of phenomena: behaviour patterns, cognitions, emotions, conditioning, and so on. NPD is a PERSONALITY disorder and even the most ardent proponents of the school of genetics do not attribute the development of the whole personality to genes. From "The Interrupted Self" (http://samvak.tripod.com/sacks.html): "'Organic' and 'mental' disorders (a dubious distinction at best) have many characteristics in common (confabulation, antisocial behaviour, emotional absence or flatness, indifference, psychotic episodes and so on)." From "On Dis-ease" (http://samvak.tripod.com/disease.html): "Moreover, the distinction between the psychic and the physical is hotly disputed, philosophically. The psychophysical problem is as intractable today as it ever was (if not more so). It is beyond doubt that the physical affects the mental and the other way around. This is what disciplines like psychiatry are all about. The ability to control 'autonomous' bodily functions (such as heartbeat) and mental reactions to pathogens of the brain are proof of the artificialness of this distinction. It is a result of the reductionist view of nature as divisible and summable. The sum of the parts, alas, is not always the whole and there is no such thing as an infinite set of the rules of nature, only an asymptotic approximation of it. The distinction between the patient and the outside world is superfluous and wrong. The patient AND his environment are ONE and the same. Disease is a perturbation in the operation and management of the complex ecosystem known as patient-world. Humans absorb their environment and feed it in equal measures. This on-going interaction IS the patient. We cannot exist without the intake of water, air, visual stimuli and food. Our environment is defined by our actions and output, physical and mental. samvakninTue, 15 May 2012 10:39:39 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187330,from=rss#post187330http://www.sowhatireallymeant.com/2012/05/07/guest-author-sam-vaknin-phd-i-am-afraid-to-date-again-i-am-considering-online-dating-instead-of-the-real-thing/ Guest Author Sam Vaknin, PhD: “I am Afraid to Date Again. I am considering Online Dating instead of the Real Thing.” Monday, May 7, 2012   "Delicious Samba" by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire There is a delicate balance to be maintained between the need to process the trauma of divorce to recuperate, heal, and recover) and the need to maintain the interpersonal skills essential to dating and, later, to bonding and pair-formation (pairing). The main problem may be the temporary suspension of the ability to trust, to open up, to render oneself emotionally vulnerable, and to reciprocate. The pain of divorce is so enormous and so all-consuming that narcissistic defenses kick in and the new divorcee is often unable to empathize and selflessly interact with potential partners. My advice is: listen to your inner voice. You know best. Do not let yourself be coerced, cajoled, and pushed into dating prematurely. You will know when you are ready. The only reason and justification to date online is if you have no access to venues where you can date “real” people face-to-face, instead of mere avatars. Online dating is a disaster waiting to happen. To start with, it is unsafe as it affords no way to establish the identity of your interlocutor or correspondent. It also denies you access to critical information, such as your potential partner’s body language; the pattern of his social interactions; his behavior in unexpected settings and circumstances; his non-scripted reactions; even his smell and how he truly looks, dresses, and conducts himself in public and in private. Frequently in online dating, the partners use each other as “blank screens” onto which they project dreams, wishes, and unfulfilled needs and yearnings. They are bound to be disappointed when online push comes to offline shove. Divorced adults are surrounded with eligible partners: at work, on the street, in the elevator, the clinic, next to the traffic lights, buying a newspaper, pushing a shopping cart at the mall. The problem is that of mindset, not of opportunity. Divorcees are in such agony that many of them withdraw and “block out” new information, potentials, and possibilities. Additionally, their narcissistic defenses kick in and they feel entitled to “something or someone better”. They become overly selective, pose unrealistic demands, and subject people they have recently met to a battery of tests that all but guarantee failure. It’s like they are self-defeatingly punishing wannabe partners and would-be mates and spouses for the sins of, and abusive misbehavior and maltreatment meted out by their exes. Some special topics: Informing the Children How should you inform your children that you are dating again? It depends on: 1. Whether the divorce was consensual and amicable or ugly and rupturous 2. Who is perceived by the child to have been the “guilty” party 3. How old the kids are and 4. Whether one of the parents or both use the child to taunt, torment, and punish their counterparties. The parent should explain to his children his or her emotional needs. The parent should not supplicate, ask for the child’s permission, or pose as the child’s equal or “partner”. He or she should simply share. The child should be kept fully informed at all times regarding developments that may affect it: a date that is turning into something more serious and may alter living or custody arrangements, for instance. The parent should make clear his or her priorities and, as much as possible, foster the child’s sense of safety, emotional stability, and certainty that he is loved. But, the child should not have a veto power over the parent’s predilections, choices, and, ultimately, decisions. Dating in different age groups The mechanics are the same, but the expectations are different. The divorced 20-odd years old is probably still looking for a partner to establish a family with, as her main priority. Her 50-something years old counterparts are more concerned with companionship, personal growth, and issues related to old age and security. Consequently, these two age groups are bound to home in on different profiles of potential mates. Mr. or Mrs. Right According to many studies, women look for these qualities in men: 1. Good Judgment; 2. Intelligence; 3. Faithfulness; 4. Affectionate behavior; 5. Financial Responsibility. Men seem to place a premium on these qualities in a woman: 1. Physical Attraction and Sexual Availability; 2. Good-naturedness; 3. Faithfulness; 4. Protective Affectionateness; 5. Dependability. The infatuation with Mr. Right or Ms. Right, common in the West, is very counterproductive and narcissistic. The romantic delusion that there exists, somewhere, a perfect match, a soulmate, a lost identical twin leads to paralysis, as we keep searching for the best rather than seize upon the good. It is the optimum that we should seek, not the illusory maximum. Dating and pairing is the art of compromise: of overlooking his shortcomings and deficiencies in order to benefit from your prospective partner’s good traits and qualities. Having friends with benefits There’s nothing wrong with short-term, interim, intermittent, and less committed liaisons that involve sexual gratification as well as companionship. It provides for an oasis of much-needed calm in between more demanding, serious, and sometimes onerous relationships. As long as this does not become a permanent and predominant pattern, it should be regarded as a welcome addition to the emotional and psychosexual arsenal of singles and the divorced. From Bar-room to Bedroom The sooner, the better. If he strikes you as a “candidate”, if she strikes you as a potential partner, it is time to hit the sack. Sexual incompatibility is the reason for a majority of breakups and divorces. Better to get this issue out of the way before things get more serious. If you find that he repels you sexually; if you find her unimaginative or frigid; if you find him clumsy and irritating; if you find her perfunctory or domineering – better put an end to it now, before you commit yourselves and get entangled emotionally. Of course, all the precautions apply: gather information about your prospective partners from his/her friends, family, and colleagues; insist on protected, safe sex; make clear, in advance, what you are willing to do and where do you draw the line. But, otherwise, go for it now, before it is too late. Find out if you are a true couple in bed as well as away from the sheets. by Sam Vaknin, PhD, the author of “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited” — a far-reaching book about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and abusive behavior — and other books about personality disorders. Read “When Facebook erodes real-life relationships: ‘I’m only checking in with friends and seeing what they’re up to.’” Read “Bragging on a First Date: ‘I graduated with top honors and live on Snobhill.’” Read “How can I Trust Again?” by Sam Vaknin, PhD. samvakninTue, 15 May 2012 10:37:45 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187329,from=rss#post187329LINK http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/web-hate/ In February 2012, Melbourne schoolgirl Catherine Bernard took her life, after suffering depression and falling prey to cyber-bullying. Catherine is not the first victim. According to a recent global poll, Australia rates number one in the world for bullying on social networks like Facebook, with nine in 10 families reporting a child's brush with bullies online. The surge in cyber-bullying takes harassment from the playground directly into victims' bedrooms, becoming an incessant and ongoing form of public humiliation that for victims seems impossible to escape. ============================================================================ You can also offer my books to your subscribers and visitors at no charge to them or to you. You can make the books available on your Website; copy them on a CD and distribute it; or simply provide links to the relevant documents on my Website: My books are available here: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/freebooks.html There are many fascinating links and articles in the archive - click on this link and then click on "previous" or "next" to view additional messages. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/conflictransition/messages WANT MORE? Cyclopedia of Factoids http://samvak.tripod.com/factoidsindex.html More than 500 free and full text articles and essays - click on these links: http://ceeandbalkan.tripod.com http://philosophos.tripod.com http://malignantselflove.tripod.com Download FREE, FULL TEXT, E-BOOKS - click on this link: http://samvak.tripod.com/freebooks.html Welcome aboard! Sam ============================================================================ samvakninTue, 15 May 2012 10:35:13 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187328,from=rss#post187328He was offered £60,000 for the shares but had to pay £4,200 commission. Mr Tucker, a fire investigations officer, handed over his cash but never received the money he was promised. A few days later, a salesman rang and requested a further payment of £49,000. This time Mr Tucker declined. He says: ‘When I realised I had been scammed, I was furious but I worry that could have lost far more.’ Other readers told of how they had turned to risky investment schemes. These may not be fraudulent but your money may be lost if they go bust. One reader has lost almost £40,000 after putting his savings into a wine investment company called Beaumont Vinters. Save 73$! Purchase the 3 DVDs (16 hours of video lectures) + The Narcissism, Psychopathy and Abuse in Relationships Series of SIXTEEN e-BOOKS - click on this link: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_DVDSERIES Save 73$! Purchase the 3 DVDs (16 hours of video lectures) + the print book "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" (eighth print edition) - click on this link: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_DVDPRINT The reader, who has a high-flying job at a financial services company, got a call from the firm out of the blue three years ago. He says: ‘The man on the end of the line seemed very genuine and sounded well-spoken. ‘I thought: “I have got £5,000 in my bank account earning next to no interest.” I thought at least I was investing in an asset and if things went wrong I could sell it.’ But today Beaumont Vintners is in liquidation. Its investors, who range from pensioners to a soldier returned from Afghanistan, have ploughed in up to £250,000 each into the company. However, the firm has just £40,000 assets, meaning they will get back just pennies — if they are lucky. The reader says: ‘The worrying thing is that none of us are stupid people. I actually think what we all have in common is that we were all nice and simply fell for the salesman’s patter.’ He says he and his wife have had to cut back since losing their cash. Others, though, have lost any cash they had. Manufacturing manager Sean Flynn, 49, from Gloucester lost £4,000 of his life savings in a land-banking scam. A company promised huge returns for his £4,000 investment in a plot of land, telling him it stood an excellent chance of gaining planning permission. Mr Flynn says: ‘At the time, property was shooting up in value and I thought I could not lose. ‘The scheme advertised huge returns and promised prime land ripe for development.’ However, Mr Flynn later found there was little chance of the land ever gaining permission. His money was wasted and the owner of the company then disappeared into thin air, along with his cash. WHEN THE POLICE ARE POWERLESS Local police forces are often powerless or, in some cases, unwilling to act on fraud reports. This can be because these cases can be so complicated and difficult to unravel that they do not have the resources to investigate individual cases. This is usually left to specialist teams, such as the City of London Police. In other cases, victims are left hanging on for months. Grandfather Stephen Manders was passed between two police forces and left in debt when he fell victim to fraudsters. The 54–year-old was on holiday in Portugal when he got a panicked call from his daughter Samantha, 27. The police had called at his home in Solihull, Warwickshire, and attempted to seize the £7,500, nearly new silver Astra he had bought just days earlier. Police claimed the car was stolen and had to be confiscated. Mr Manders had seen the vehicle advertised in a car magazine and followed every precaution — even paying £20 for an insurance policy check from the RAC. This came back clear, but did not pick up that the car had been cloned. This is when thieves steal a car, but swap its number plates to a vehicle of exactly the same make and colour. ‘It was heart-breaking. Police drove away £7,500 of my cash that I had worked so hard for,’ says Mr Manders. His insurance with the RAC would not pay up because a point in the small-print excluded cloned cars. His case was passed between two police forces and, nine months later, Mr Manders is still paying off the loan he took out to pay for the car. To make ends meet, he has been forced to dip into his life savings. Police say they have now made a number of arrests. Detective Superintendent Wishart advises: ‘If you need to report a fraud, your local police station is not the best place to do it. ‘The police there might be good at solving local crime, but do not know where to start when it comes to a boiler-room scam.’ Instead, he advises you to contact Action Fraud, the UK’s national fraud and internet crime-reporting centre, on 0300 123 2040. In December 2008, Bernard Madoff, a pillar of the Jewish community and of Wall Street, admitted to having run a 50 billion USD Ponzi (Pyramid) scheme, the biggest scam in history. It is still debatable whether Bernard Madoff fits the profile of a classic scammer. Anti-Semites blame his ancestry, the society and culture he grew in: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/jews.html To understand his psychology, you may wish to start by reading this short story I have written. It tackles in minute detail the psychodynamic processes in a con-man's mind as well as the curious bond that inevitably forms between perpetrator and victim http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/conman-en.html Madoff is, in all likelihood, a psychopathic narcissist: For a more detailed view of pathological narcissism and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) - click on these links: http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/npdglance.html http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders12.html http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders13.html http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders14.html http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/narcissismglance.html NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and AsPD (Antisocial Personality Disorder, Psychopathy, or Sociopathy) http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders16.html http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders15.html Is Madoff malicious? http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/journal65.html He feels immune to the consequences of his actions and reinterprets his crimes to fit an ego-syntonic narrative: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq57.html http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq45.html The Narcissist and Psychopath as Criminals http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/5003 The Narcissist is Above the Law http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4983 The Narcissist as Liar and Con-man http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4951 Does the Narcissist Have a Multiple Personality (Dissociative Identity Disorder)? http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4950 Grandiosity, Fantasies, and Narcissism http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4923 He feels no remorse http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4931 He blames his victims (or the Universe) for the mess (he has alloplastic defenses) http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/5002 He loves the attention http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/corporatenarcissism.html You can download my book about financial crime here: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/freebooks.html   samvakninTue, 15 May 2012 10:33:40 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187327,from=rss#post187327http://world.einnews.com/article/95082394 Middle classes targeted by conmen in ever-more elaborate fraud scams By Ruth Lythe PUBLISHED: 22:52 GMT, 8 May 2012 | UPDATED: 14:54 GMT, 9 May 2012 One rainy Friday afternoon in February, mum-of-four Laura Clarke burst into tears in the middle of her local bank branch — staff tried comfort her, but were helpless as she sobbed in front of the counters after fearing she would be left with no money to feed her family. The BIBLE of NARCISSISM Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited in Barnes and Noble now COSTS USD $36 instead of USD $55!!! CLICK ON THIS LINK TO PURCHASE THE PRINT EDITION http://search.barnesandnoble.com/bookSearch/isbnInquiry.asp?r=1&ISBN=9788023833843 For years Mrs Clarke, a 43-year-old primary school headmistress, had managed the family finances as well as any mother. But her breakdown in the bank came at the end of months of turmoil that began when criminals stole almost £4,000 from the family bank account. To this day Mrs Clarke doesn’t know how the fraudsters got into her account — but believes they stole her identity or bank details by hacking her computer.   Victims: Mr and Mrs Clarke with their children Catherine, Sam, Lydia and Ella Neither Mrs Clarke, her husband Martin, nor their children Catherine, Sam, Lydia and Ella had done anything wrong. Rather, she is just one of the people who, every two minutes in the UK last year, fell victim to a fraudster. It is the middle classes who are increasingly being targeted by ever-more elaborate scams by conmen. Only a tiny percentage of these crimes is ever solved. But their consequences can haunt victims for years. Even when a victim receives compensation or their case is solved — lives are still ripped apart by delays and confusion. In the case of the Clarke family, though their bank Santander quickly refunded their missing money, they were still frozen out of their accounts for nearly two months. Unable to use their credit or debit cards, they had to take out what cash they needed for the week by withdrawing it from the branch using a passport — often having to wait an hour — for authorisation. Their jobs and busy family lives meant they often struggled to get to the bank before it closed. Abused? Stalked? Harassed? Victimized? Afraid? Confused? Need HELP? DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! You OWE IT to yourself and to YOUR LOVED ONES! Save $63!!! BUY SIXTEEN e-books about toxic relationships with narcissists and psychopaths - for the PRICE OF A SINGLE PRINT BOOK! Click on this link: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_SERIES Mrs Clarke says: ‘That day in February, I was desperate. I knew we needed to go shopping because the cupboards were bare and the car was nearly empty. ‘We were faced with the horrifying prospect of being left penniless all weekend as the bank was about to shut and I couldn’t get permission to have my money. It is terrifying how easy it is for someone to turn your life upside down in a couple of key strokes.’ Santander apologised for the six-week delay. It says following an investigation it will give further training to staff to avoid customers being inconvenienced in future. THE SCAMS DESIGNED TO SNARE YOU Last year, a record £126 a second was lost to fraud. Half of all victims last year were aged between 41 and 60 — 11 per cent more than in 2010. And it is middle-class, middle-aged people who have lost hope of ever getting a decent return on their savings who are particularly at risk. The average interest rate on £1,000 has languished at around 1 per cent for four years after plummeting from around 4 per cent in January 2008, according to figures from data company Defaqto. Meanwhile, billions have been wiped off pensions and investments. Desperate for returns on their money, savers are the perfect targets for sophisticated conmen. These fraudsters are becoming more and more sophisticated — picking up on new trends and quickly turning it to their advantage. They use suckers lists: thousands of people’s details bartered between conmen and pulled from lists of investors and previous victims. Current scams involve investments in fine wine, land, green energy and gold. And they target those desperate for returns by getting hold of their personal details from websites or from lists of shareholders of other companies. DECEIVED BY SLICK SALES PATTER Major scams to watch out for include boiler rooms — when a slick salesman rings your home and tries to sell you investments which they claim will make an amazing profit. The Financial Services Authority (FSA) watchdog says around 700 people each year lose more than £20,000 to such scams. NEW e-BOOK How to Divorce a Narcissist or a Psychopath - Click on this link now: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_DIVORCEABUSER New eBook! How to Cope with Narcissistic and Psychopathic Abusers and Stalkers - Click on this link now: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_COPING NEW e-BOOK "Personality Disorders Revisited" - Click on this link now: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_PERSONALITY You can protect yourself by never buying anything from a so-called investment salesman who calls out of the blue. Put down the phone and don’t be drawn into the salesman’s patter. Few reputable firms would ever contact you this way. If someone tries to sell you a piece of land without planning permission, claiming it will increase in value — run for the hills as it’s likely to be a land-banking scam. All too often the plots sold will never receive planning permission. You stand a good chance of adding to the £200 million lost on this scam over the past five years. Identity fraudsters may try to tempt you into revealing personal details by claiming to be from a bank or another financial institution and setting up fake websites in a bid to get you to disclose your personal details. Remember to update your computer’s anti-virus software to cut the risk of being caught out. Also ignore emails from your bank asking you to click on a link, or anyone who claims to be calling from a bank and asks you to hand over your account details. Instead, call the bank’s switchboard and ask to speak to the person directly. Steer clear of other frauds such as prizes for draws or lotteries you have never entered. Equally, you may receive a letter from a law firm advising that you have been left millions of pounds in a distant relative’s will. To take your share of the cash, all you need do is hand over your bank account details. Respond at your peril. The FSA is so worried by the growth of these scams that it recently contacted 76,000 people to tell them they are on a so-called ‘suckers’ list’ and are at even greater risk of being targeted. If you are in doubt about any company, make sure you search through an internet search engine, which should reveal reviews of the firm. If the majority of comments or reviews about a company are negative, this should set alarm bells ringing. Don’t rely on this, however. Always check the FSA Register, fsa.gov.uk/register, to ensure a firm is authorised. If the firm is unauthorised and things go wrong, you will not have any access to the Financial Ombudsman (financial-ombudsman.org.uk) or the Financial Services Compensation Scheme. THE DREAMS THAT TURN TO DUST The FSA last year took 5,000 calls from worried investors who believed they had fallen prey to fake financial investments. Some are left penniless because they are not covered by Government-backed compensation schemes that protect savers and investors. Detective Superintendent Bob Wishart, of the City of London Police’s fraud squad, says: ‘It makes me angry when our victims are described as being greedy. ‘The financial crisis and recession means people have become very distrustful of banks and their faith is wavering in traditional investments. ‘We recently had one woman call us telling us her husband committed suicide after losing their life savings through a scam. ‘Another lady, who has a son with a severe disability, lost hundreds of thousands in pounds of the money she was planning to invest to help him.’ David Tucker, 67, from Twickenham, Greater London, lost £4,200 to a share scam. A salesman from the company, called Cromwell And Goodwin, contacted Mr Tucker about shares he held in another company. samvakninTue, 15 May 2012 10:33:14 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187326,from=rss#post187326Abuse by narcissists and psychopaths - personality disorders FAQs, essays, links to online resources, and book excerpts http://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/narcissism-narcissistic-personality-disorder-npd/menu-id-1469/ http://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/abusers-abusive-behaviors-toc/menu-id-1469/ http://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/personality-disorders-toc/menu-id-1469/ Transcript of the CHATS regarding abusive narcissists, the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and narcissists in the workplace - click on these links: http://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/transcripts/narcissistic-personality-disorder/menu-id-652/ http://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/transcripts/narcissism-in-the-workplace/menu-id-62/ Narcissism and Abuse Videos http://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/narcissism-videos-abuse-videos-with-sam-vaknin/menu-id-2180/ Narcissists as Abusers TV Show http://www.healthyplace.com/mental-health-tv-show/ (Click "On Demand" at the bottom of the player and select the relevant shows on narcissism and abuse) Why is Mental Health Awareness Month Important? May is "Mental Health Awareness Month." It was started by the great support organization, Mental Health America, over 60 years ago. We've been highlighting it every day on our site and social networks. Most people are very positive about it, but some pooh-pooh it as just another promotion; something dreamed up by the pharma companies to generate more profits. Here's why we believe Mental Health Awareness Month is so important: 1 in 4 (or 1 in 5 depending on whose statistics you use) have a diagnosable mental illness. They should not have to hide in any fashion because of stigma associated with mental illness. Many with a mental health condition don't know they have something that can be helped with treatment. These people are experiencing the symptoms of a mental illness, but they haven't connected it with the mental health condition. (Watch "I Didn't Recognize Depression Symptoms in Myself") Like anything, media attention and campaigns like this are especially effective in bringing attention to these two issues. We hope you'll help spread the word. Related Stories What is a Mental Illness? What are the Warning Signs of Mental Illness? What To Do If You Have A Mental Illness Mental Health Questions For Your Doctor Who Is Therapy For and When Is It NOT Suitable How Do You Know If A Mental Health Treatment Really Works? ------------------------------------------------------------------ Share our Stories At the top and bottom of all our stories, you'll find social share buttons for Facebook, Google+, Twitter and other social sites. If you find a particular story, video, psychological test or other HealthyPlace feature helpful, there's a good chance others in need will too. Please share. We also get many inquiries about our linking policy. If you have a website or blog, you can link to any page on the HealthyPlace website without asking us beforehand. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Most Popular HealthyPlace Articles Shared by Facebook Fans Here are the top 3 mental health articles HealthyPlace Facebook fans are recommending you read: Best and Worst Things to Say to Someone Who is Depressed Verbal Abuse and Brainwashing The Link between Substance Abuse and Eating Disorders If you're not already, I hope you'll join us/like us on Facebook too. There are a lot of wonderful, supportive people there. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Mental Health Experiences Share your thoughts/experiences with any mental health subject, or respond to other people's audio posts, by calling our toll-free number (1-888-883-8045). You can listen to what other people are saying by clicking on the gray title bars inside the widgets located on the "Sharing Your Mental Health Experiences" homepage, the HealthyPlace homepage, and the HealthyPlace Support Network homepage. If you have any questions, write us at: info AT healthyplace.com ------------------------------------------------------------------ From the HealthyPlace Mental Health Blogs I want to introduce our new blogger to you. Chris Curry, is starting our new Surviving Mental Health Stigma Blog this week. Your comments and observations are welcomed. The Difference Between Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence (Building Self-Esteem Blog) 10 Things To Do For A Panic Attack (Anxiety-Schmanxiety Blog) Guilt and Mental Illness (Breaking Bipolar Blog) Should I Apologize for Having a Mental Illness? (Recovering From Mental Illness Blog) Envisioning Positive Outcomes: Hope – and Preparation (Mental Illness in the Family Blog) Life After Schizoaffective Disorder Treatment (Creative Schizophrenia Blog) Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do (Verbal Abuse and Relationships Blog) Hope for Eating Disorder Recovery (Surviving ED Blog) 3 Scars of Spiritual Abuse (More Than Borderline Blog) New SAT Questions To Probe MIQ – (Mental Illness Quotient) (Funny in the Head: A Mental Health Humor Blog) Discipline, School, and the Mentally Ill Child in Handcuffs: Social Stigma (Life with Bob: A Parenting Blog) Facing Fears and Your Comfort Zone in Addiction Recovery and Finding Freedom from Addiction Through 12-Step Recovery (Debunking Addiction Blog) Your Top 3 ADHD Medication Questions Answered and Meet Drew Foell, New Co-Author of the Living with Adult ADHD Blog (Living with Adult ADHD Blog) I’m Depressed, But Not Because I Have Depression (Coping with Depression Blog) Feel free to share your thoughts and comments at the bottom of any blog post. And visit the mental health blogs homepage for the latest posts. EMDR Self-Help Techniques on HealthyPlace TV EMDR therapy is known for it's quick relief of PTSD symptoms resulting from traumas like rape and combat. Dr. Francine Shapiro discovered and developed EMDR. We did a great interview with Dr. Shapiro discussing how EMDR works, its benefits, plus new self-help techniques you can use to counter negative thoughts and emotions. Watch EMDR Self-Help Techniques. Latest Mental Health News These stories and more are featured on our mental health news page: Homophobic? Maybe You’re Gay The Flight From Conversation Stay Connected: Closeness a Basic Human Need Keeping Up with the Joneses Hotter Nights: Surprising Secrets to Better Sx Tackling Childhood Disabilities Through Environment Psychoactive Medication Use Among Children In Foster Care Unruly Kids May Have A Mental Disorder Schizophrenia and Bipolar Share Similar Neurodevelopmental Roots Aggression Levels Increased in Bipolar Disorder Patients That's it for now. If you know of anyone who can benefit from this newsletter or the HealthyPlace.com site, I hope you'll pass this onto them. You can also share the newsletter on any social network (like facebook, stumbleupon, or digg) you belong to by clicking the links below. For updates throughout the week, circle HealthyPlace on Google+, follow HealthyPlace on Twitter or become a fan of HealthyPlace on Facebook. Thank you, Deborah Community Partner Team HealthyPlace.com - America's Mental Health Channel "When you're at HealthyPlace.com, you're never alone." http://www.healthyplace.com samvakninTue, 15 May 2012 10:32:03 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187325,from=rss#post187325Find additional articles about personality disorders here - click on the links: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faqpd.html http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq82.html http://open-site.org/Health/Conditions_and_Diseases/Psychiatric_Disorders/Personality/ NEW eBook! "Personality Disorders Revisited" (450 pages about the Borderline, Narcissistic, Antisocial-Psychopathic, Histrionic, Paranoid, Obsessive-Compulsive, Schizoid, Schizotypal, Masochistic, Sadistic, Depressive, Negativistic-Passive-Aggressive, Dependent, and other Personality Disorders!) Click on this link to purchase the ebook: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_PERSONALITY Guilford Press Table of Contents Alert Journal of Systemic Therapies Volume: 31, Number: 1 (March) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The above issue is now available online from Guilford Press at: http://guilfordjournals.com/toc/jsyt/31/1?ai=s5&ui=l9e&af=H The table of contents for this issue is listed below. Click on the links below to view the abstract for each article, or click on the link above to read the table of contents online. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------  Emotion and Family Therapy: Exploring Female and Male Clinicians' Attitudes about the Use of Emotion in Therapy  Matthew M. Suarez Pace and Jonathan G. Sandberg  Journal of Systemic Therapies, Vol. 31, No. 1, March: 1-21. Abstract | PDF (191 KB) | PDF with links (205 KB)  What is Systemic about Systemic Therapy? Therapy Models Muddle Embodied Systemic Practice  Hillary Keeney and Bradford Keeney  Journal of Systemic Therapies, Vol. 31, No. 1, March: 22-37. Abstract | PDF (187 KB) | PDF with links (191 KB)  Single-Session Therapy in a Walk-in Counseling Clinic: A Pilot Study  Carol A. Stalker, Susan Horton, and Cheryl-Anne Cait  Journal of Systemic Therapies, Vol. 31, No. 1, March: 38-52. Abstract | PDF (177 KB) | PDF with links (185 KB) Interview  John H. Weakland: An Interview in Retrospect  Wendel A. Ray and Karin Schlanger  Journal of Systemic Therapies, Vol. 31, No. 1, March: 53-73. Abstract | PDF (215 KB) | PDF with links (218 KB) The Corner: An Innovation in Research in Minnesota  Speaking Two Languages: A Conversation between Narrative Therapy and Scientific Practices  David Epston, John R. Stillman, and Christopher R. Erbes  Journal of Systemic Therapies, Vol. 31, No. 1, March: 74-88. Abstract | PDF (224 KB) | PDF with links (225 KB) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- © 2011 Guilford Press. All Rights Reserved. Technology Partner - Atypon Systems, Inc.   samvakninTue, 15 May 2012 10:29:57 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187324,from=rss#post187324Find additional articles about personality disorders here - click on the links: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faqpd.html http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq82.html http://open-site.org/Health/Conditions_and_Diseases/Psychiatric_Disorders/Personality/ NEW eBook! "Personality Disorders Revisited" (450 pages about the Borderline, Narcissistic, Antisocial-Psychopathic, Histrionic, Paranoid, Obsessive-Compulsive, Schizoid, Schizotypal, Masochistic, Sadistic, Depressive, Negativistic-Passive-Aggressive, Dependent, and other Personality Disorders!) Click on this link to purchase the ebook: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_PERSONALITY Guilford Press Table of Contents Alert Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology Volume: 31, Number: 5 (May) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The above issue is now available online from Guilford Press at: http://guilfordjournals.com/toc/jscp/31/5?ai=s4&ui=l9e&af=H Your Guilford Press username is: samvaknin@gmail.com The table of contents for this issue is listed below. Click on the links below to view the abstract for each article, or click on the link above to read the table of contents online. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------  Effects of Gender, Diagnostic Labels, and Causal Theories on Willingness to Report Symptoms of Depression  Joshua L. Berger, Michael E. Addis, Erin D. Reilly, Matthew R. Syzdek, and Jonathan D. Green  Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, Vol. 31, No. 5, May: 439-457. Abstract | PDF (415 KB) | PDF with links (426 KB)  Proactive and Reactive Aggression are Associated with Different Physiological and Personality Profiles  Leonardo Bobadilla, Megan Wampler, and Jeanette Taylor  Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, Vol. 31, No. 5, May: 458-487. Abstract | PDF (517 KB) | PDF with links (515 KB)  Staying Connected when Coming Apart: The Psychological Correlates of Contact and Sex with an Ex-Partner  Ashley E. Mason, David A. Sbarra, Amanda E. B. Bryan, and Lauren A. Lee  Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, Vol. 31, No. 5, May: 488-507. Abstract | PDF (521 KB) | PDF with links (507 KB)  The Impact of Spouse's Health and Well-Being on Own Well-Being: A Dyadic Study of Older Married Couples  Joelle C. Ruthig, Jenna Trisko, and Tara L. Stewart  Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, Vol. 31, No. 5, May: 508-529. Abstract | PDF (421 KB) | PDF with links (435 KB)  Book Review  Dana S. Dunn  Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, Vol. 31, No. 5, May: 530-533. Citation | PDF (342 KB) | PDF with links (343 KB) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- © 2011 Guilford Press. All Rights Reserved. Technology Partner - Atypon Systems, Inc.   samvakninTue, 15 May 2012 10:28:32 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187323,from=rss#post187323Also read this - click on the link: Cyber (Internet) Narcissists and Psychopaths http://samvak.tripod.com/journal67.html http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,2817,2372240,00.asp How to Be a Jerk on Facebook You have lots of great, interesting friends on the leading social network. Here's how to lose them.  By Eric Griffith November 8, 2010 15 Comments Share3969 inShare9 275digg It's not hard to make friends, at least on Facebook, where friendship doesn't cost more than a click. But now that you've amassed such a digital clique, you want to keep them. Right? Okay, maybe not. Maybe you want to test them. You want to push the limits of this so-called friendship you've established online with someone you met once at a party. Well, have we got some tips for you. Below are 12 steps you can take on a regular basis on Facebook that will surely send people screaming toward the "hide" button, if not directly to the "Remove from Friends" link. The BIBLE of NARCISSISM Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited in Barnes and Noble now COSTS USD $36 instead of USD $55!!! CLICK ON THIS LINK TO PURCHASE THE PRINT EDITION: http://search.barnesandnoble.com/bookSearch/isbnInquiry.asp?r=1&ISBN=9788023833843  1. Spam Your New Friends You have something to pimp? A book, an article, a video, your pyramid scheme, or maybe your performance in the chorus of Oklahoma at the local community center? Then you should tell everyone. First, go into Friends, make some lists of 20 people at a time (the limit) and then start sending them messages. Better yet, send event invites that they must RSVP to or else the invite never disappears. Don't forget to copy it to your status, as well!    2. Hide Your Face People love it when your profile photo not only isn't you today, or even yesterday, but preferably, isn't even you! Don't go the easy route and use your dog or cat, however. Think truly esoteric and unmemorable, like a picture of a sunset or you car.    3. Fascinate Us With Your Horrible Life Are you in the middle of some horrible life changing event that is making you feel more emo than a goth girl at a Evanescence concert? Then by all means, share, with as much detail as possible, why your life sucks. Tell us that the world is out to get you or that your significant other cheated on you or set you on fire. We want to know, because we care.    4. Shower Us with Sweetness On the opposite end of the happiness spectrum, perhaps your life is Great with a capital G! You like exclamation points, and <3s decorate your every sentence, because it's almost impossible to use mere text to signify just how awesome life is. Well, please try, for us. The spreading of your joy gives the rest of us working schlubs meaning. Abused? Stalked? Harassed? Victimized? Afraid? Confused? Need HELP? DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! You OWE IT to yourself and to YOUR LOVED ONES! Save $63!!! BUY SIXTEEN e-books about toxic relationships with narcissists and psychopaths - for the PRICE OF A SINGLE PRINT BOOK! Click on this link: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_SERIES NEW e-BOOK How to Divorce a Narcissist or a Psychopath - Click on this link now: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_DIVORCEABUSER    5. Repeat Everything From Your Twitter You know what, Facebook isn't really your thing, but you can still use it. Just fix it up so that whenever you post to Twitter, the same post shows up as your Facebook status. This way, the rubes on Facebook still think you care to post, and the people lucky enough to follow you on both Twitter and Facebook get to read it twice. What a win/win. (To do this, use a service like Ping.FM, or install the Twitter App for Facebook for full cross-pollination.)    6. Quote Your Faves "Do I look like a clown to you?" or "These are not the droids you're looking for," or even "p-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face (mum mum mum mah)" are not just quotes. They're windows into the depths of your soul.    7. All Farmville, All the Time! It doesn't have to be just Farmville. Pick a game you like and then post only about that. Especially if you can be really whiney about asking for help with the game from others—hell yes, I'll help raise your crops!—because you just know deep in the cockles of your heart that everyone else is playing it, too. Must be they're hiding better. Oh, this also goes for quizzes. We want to know what Muppet you are, or what Broadway song you are, or how long you'd last in the zombie apocalypse.    8. Shock the Vote Got strong opinions on politics? Whether you think the president is the messiah or the son of Satan, make you feelings known! Those of your friends who are easily swayed will no doubt quickly come to your side and vote with abandon along the only party line that matters: yours. And if you have friends who perhaps like their politics with a little more nuance, or maybe don't care for politics at all? Well, they need you to school them in just how the real world works, don't they? Purchase 3 DVDs with 16 hours of video lectures on narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships - click on this link: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_DVD Save 73$! Purchase the 3 DVDs (16 hours of video lectures) + The Narcissism, Psychopathy and Abuse in Relationships Series of SIXTEEN e-BOOKS - click on this link: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_DVDSERIES Purchase the 3 DVDs (16 hours of video lectures) + the print book "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" (eighth print edition) - click on this link: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_DVDPRINT    9. Believe Walls are Private You want to send someone a message? Go to their Facebook wall and just start typing in the "Write something..." box at the top. It's not private—every single one of that person's Facebook friends (and relatives) will see it—but at least you got your message across, right? Hopefully, it was either brain-deadeningly esoteric or hilariously inappropriate. Or both. If you can make it passive/aggressive as well, you win the trifecta.    10. Tag Those Party People In general, you want to tag people in photos or videos you upload, so the subject knows the picture is there and all their friends can see it, as well. You especially want to do this when the subject has been shot in a compromising position. Say, with an illegal substance, performing an illegal act, or just at the end of a very long night that ends with vomiting.    11. Like Every Thing You Can Like There's no lack of things to "Like" on Facebook, since the Like button appears on just about every page of the Web (Including this one! So, Like it already!) What you should keep your eye out for are great pages to Like, for example: "Flipping the pillow over to get to the cold side." And, "I wish I could comment on your stupid likes without clicking Like." Make sure your profile page is absolutely choked with them.    12. Don't Participate At All This, unfortunately, won't get you noticed. But why bother writing to people at all? Why share your insights or feelings or location or play games or anything when you can sign up, reconnect with hundreds of people, and then never say anything ever again? Good question.   For those of you who lack that ability to recognize sarcasm...don't do any of these things. Please. samvakninTue, 15 May 2012 10:27:10 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187322,from=rss#post187322LINK http://www.massadvocates.org/download-book.php Helping Traumatized Children Learn: Supportive School Environments for Children Traumatized by Family Violence (Boston: Massachusetts Advocates for Children, c2005), by Susan F. Cole, Jessica Greenwald O'Brien, M. Geron Gadd, Joel Ristuccia, D. Luray Wallace, and Michael Gregory ============================================================================ You can also offer my books to your subscribers and visitors at no charge to them or to you. You can make the books available on your Website; copy them on a CD and distribute it; or simply provide links to the relevant documents on my Website: My books are available here: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/freebooks.html There are many fascinating links and factoids in the archive - click on this link and then click on "previous" or "next" to view additional messages. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/linknfactoid/messages WANT MORE? Cyclopedia of Factoids http://samvak.tripod.com/factoidsindex.html More than 500 free and full text articles and essays - click on these links: http://ceeandbalkan.tripod.com http://philosophos.tripod.com http://malignantselflove.tripod.com Download FREE, FULL TEXT, E-BOOKS - click on this link: http://samvak.tripod.com/freebooks.html Welcome aboard! Sam ============================================================================ samvakninTue, 15 May 2012 10:25:43 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187321,from=rss#post187321Loli - That is great that you have gotten out of the fog and seen the light! Are you NC from the Ns in your life? Also - slightly off topic - but I have a few friends that crossfit with me who used to have thyroid issues. They have been able to manage them through crossfit. One of my friends has lost 31 pounds! Just thought I'd provide some inspiration for the day Caitlincaitlin1091Tue, 15 May 2012 10:24:51 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187320,from=rss#post187320Click on the links: NEW VIDEO "Lone Wolf" Narcissist and His Prey http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_9mFO67b7Y http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NlRO7fniEw http://archive.org/details/TheloneWolfNarcissistAndHisPrey Watch 250+ Videos about narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships - click on this link to visit my channel: http://www.youtube.com/samvaknin Everything You Need to Know about Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Abuse - click on this link: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq1.html ALLEXPERTS.COM Psychiatry & Psychology - Questions Answered by Expert Sam Vaknin http://en.allexperts.com/q/Psychiatry-Psychology-General-1009/indexExp_17620.htm What really matters in relationships? http://www.task.fm/what-makes-a-good-relationship -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How to Cope with Narcissistic and Psychopathic Abusers and Stalkers Click on this link now: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_COPING How to cope with stalkers, bullies, narcissists, psychopaths, and other abusers in the family, community, and workplace. How to navigate a system, which is often hostile to the victim: the courts, law enforcement (police), psychotherapists, evaluators, and social or welfare services. Tips, advice, and information. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The BIBLE of NARCISSISM Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited in Barnes and Noble now COSTS $36 instead of $55!!! CLICK ON THIS LINK TO PURCHASE THE PRINT EDITION: http://search.barnesandnoble.com/bookSearch/isbnInquiry.asp?r=1&ISBN=9788023833843 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 100% of the text of "Malignant Self-love" (600 pages) - at 40% the price! 100% of the tips, advice, and knowledge - at less than HALF the cost!!! Buy the e-book instead of the print edition: Click on this link: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_MSL-EBOOK -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Abused? Stalked? Harassed? Victimized? Afraid? Confused? Need HELP? DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! You OWE IT to yourself and to YOUR LOVED ONES! Save $63!!! BUY SIXTEEN e-books about toxic relationships with narcissists and psychopaths - for the PRICE OF A SINGLE PRINT BOOK! Click on this link: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_SERIES NEW e-BOOK "How to Divorce a Narcissist or a Psychopath" - Click on this link now: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_DIVORCEABUSER NEW e-BOOK "Personality Disorders Revisited" - Click on this link now: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_PERSONALITY Buy TWO PRODUCTS and Get a FREE 30-minute chat with Sam Vaknin! Click on this link: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_FREECHAT Buy TWO PRODUCTS and Get the THIRD ONE FREE! Click on this link: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_GETTHIRDFREE ================================================== Download videos about narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships - click on this link: http://samvak.tripod.com/narcissismvideos.html Videos about philosophy, current affairs, and economics - click on this link to visit my channel: http://www.youtube.com/vakninmusings (Videos are added WEEKLY) (From the book "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" by Sam Vaknin - Click on this link to purchase the print book, or 16 e-books, or 3 DVDs with 16 hours of video lectures on narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/thebook.html) Purchase 3 DVDs with 16 hours of video lectures on narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships - click on this link: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_DVD Save 73$! Purchase 3 DVDs (16 hours of video lectures) + The Narcissism, Psychopathy and Abuse in Relationships Series of SIXTEEN e-BOOKS - click on this link: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_DVDSERIES Save $73! Purchase 3 DVDs (16 hours of video lectures) + Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited (eighth print edition) - click on this link: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_DVDPRINT Sam Vaknin, Author of "Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited" samvakninTue, 15 May 2012 10:21:13 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187319,from=rss#post187319Thanks to my sister, I have been diagnosed with an underactive thyroid, this, never showed up on any blood tests, they all came back NORMAL, but they were NORMAL for me, I dug my heels in, I got put on medication and within a week I felt better...I have been struggling with this all my life. Oh, how wonderful it was for the Ns in my life to abuse me due to the side effects of my condition. N sister took great pleasure in telling me as a teen ager that no one would love me because I was fat (shes 22 years older than me) and she was responsible for my self esteem being ripped appart during these crucial years. Then came my N mother, who like many Ns, took offense any time I was tired and tried to rest. If I needed to sleep in, she would vacuum, never mind that I was holding down a full time job and in full time education. I was called LAZY for falling asleep, I was taunted and tortured for what I now know, was a disability. Despite not being diagnosed, I managed to graduate top of the class (as most lazy people do) and land a good job. I always needed to conserve my energy, be in bed early and had great trouble keeping my weight between a size 10 and 14. Enter N husband, and again the abuse, I was too fat, slept too much, was always tired etc etc etc....well....yes....but despite this, I managed with two toddlers, a full time job and HIM, not only not helping but being a complete liability to us. Still, managed to bring money in, play bills despite N trying to sabotage everything I did. I always felt cold in Europe, another sign of my illness, so the N kept the house nice and cold so that I was in almost complete disconfort, constantly! N sister did the same. This sort of life became for me the norm, its all I knew, I always worked harder than most, trying to please one N or another since early childhood. But now....I just felt that I wasnt able to cope. I had been going to bed at 8 pm and waking up tired the next day. My sister called me to say that she had been diagnosed (non N sister) and her words were "you have it, and heaven knows how long youve been dealing with this" WELL MY ENTIRE FREAKING LIFE!!! I so clearly remember my mums friends urging her to take me to an endocrinologist because I just "didnt eat for the size I was". N mother of course took great joy in telling everyone that if I wasnt so lazy and didnt eat so much I wouldnt be fat! It was all my fault, nothing to do with her, the adult, to make sure I had a doctor visit once in a while (never, she never once took me to the doctor). So at my sisters insistance, I went to the doctor, dug my heels in, didnt accept the NORMAL result of my blood tests and insisted he put me on medication. A week later, I feel truly human for the first time in at least 5 years!!!! They still need to twick the dose but these are some things that are now gone. - The mental fog, the one where you cant see past it and there is no point in trying to do anything midly intellectual - Ive lost 4 lbs, without trying. - My constipation is gone - Im not so cold anymore - I dont wake up tired in the morning It makes me sick that a life long struggle was used by the Ns in my life to belittle me. I am so grateful to my sister for telling me and making sure that I got the help I needed and didnt take NO for an answer again from my doctor. My partner knew there was something wrong and he made sure that I got seen, didnt just sit there and belittle me. His mother expressed concern, for me, but put it down to me working 6 days a week. So she spends her entire life trying to take my load. Ahhhhh to be around normal people!!!!!!! Never again will I go back into the crazy train! Loli104Tue, 15 May 2012 10:02:52 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187318,from=rss#post187318Hi Cat Thanks for your reply and sorry to hear that you've had issues with your N dad. That sounds really tough. I knew I was a lot better because I got to the stage where I didn't actually care why he was in touch with me. I knew he must be lonely to lower himself to get in touch but beyond that slight feeling of satisfaction (bad karma, I know) I didn't spend any time thinking about why. And rather than feeling pleased, I felt angry, which is probably healthier than any other feeling - except indifference, I guess. Jessica072Tue, 15 May 2012 09:44:24 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187317,from=rss#post187317After the XN, my counsellor told me that I needed to let go - of him and of the pain. She said that the reason I was hanging on to the pain was because I was hanging on to him still. This made absolute sense, especially now I've been burned again. In letting go of the pain, we let go the only connection we have left to the perfect guy that we thought they were. We accept that we have to put them in the past and move on. I've just had 3 months with someone who wasn't an N but because of his drug taking had N traits and woke up a whole load of stress in me (my lovely boss has just asked if I'm alright and I've just cried all over her). I've been feeling the pain but know that I need to let it go and move on. I don't want to though because it's the only connection I have to him left. Moving on is scary! I hope some of my ramblings make sense!Jessica072Tue, 15 May 2012 09:40:48 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187316,from=rss#post187316Hi Cat, sorry you're having a hard time. I just wanted to tell you that my XN fiancee suggested couples counseling! It was one of the reasons I thought 'maybe's he's not an N after all'! Well, the therapist told us after many sessions that she couldn't work with us as a couple because he wouldn't listen to what she was saying. She told me privately that he had sent her many e mails that I didn't know about saying how just about everything was my fault, that yes, he had anger problems but I provoked him! about everything! NOT TRUE! She told me that I was in a relationship with N, and N was in a relationship with N! He has told me since we broke up on xmas day that the only reason he wanted us to go to couples counseling was for me TO UNDERSTAND HIM AND WORK WITH HIM. wow. I think that says it all. It's beyond difficult to walk away from someone that you truly loved, and then to realize that he didn't truly love you. It hurts so much. What we need to do is to truly love ourselves! phoenix813Tue, 15 May 2012 09:06:02 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187315,from=rss#post187315quote:steelmagnoliaway wrote: I know what I am doing. Hi steel, I know you’re frustrated in many ways; with your life and with this board. And that’s OK. It's completely understandable.   However… I’m sorry, I have to disagree, you don’t know what you’re doing. Given your history, one can easily see why you'd think that. You grew up with an abusive father and then you proceeded to marry an abusive husband. You’ve been with him for over 40 years. You have been completely controlled by these two men in your life and it has paralyzed you. You have been brainwashed and many fears have been instilled and you have let these fears rule your decisions and your life. YOU HAVE BEEN CONTROLLED YOUR ENTIRE LIFE! But, you now know the truth and you can change that truth. You can take your control. It’s not too late. ‘Knowing what you’re doing’ – to me – means taking steps to salvage your last ounce of dignity and self. You’re not doing that. You’re finding ways to live with the abuse…So you think...but that’s not possible. Face your fears.   You fear leaving. You fear his threats to leave you. You fear financial issues – a lot. You fear your depression. You fear a third stroke. (CAUSED BY HIM I MIGHT ADD) You fear him cutting off your Mother’s support. You fear your 2 daughters…whatever. They aren’t supportive anyway. You fear grocery shopping, changing a light bulb…learning how to LIVE ON YOUR OWN!   Take control of your fears and realize that your father and your husband instilled them. You can remove them, baby step by baby step.   Steel, I don’t know how you’re going to do it, but you need to muster up some serious strength here. You don’t want this to be your legacy. Fifteen minutes of freedom will be worth every effort you put forth! Make that your motto. Make that your focus. Get that fifteen minutes of freedom!...and die free! Have you even talked with a lawyer to face your biggest fear - financial? You need to know what is even possible. Come on steel, MOVE! We are behind you here, but you have to start the dialogue the way you did a year or so back. You gave up? Don't give up this time. You can do this!   2befreeTue, 15 May 2012 08:30:39 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187314,from=rss#post187314Hi 2befree. He has a very good job with good pay but he likes the millionaire liefstyle.....and his salary doesn't quite stretch that far. If he went to the supermarket to buy a cake for tea, he would buy 3 of the finest range. If he wanted an electrical appliance, he would only shop at the best shops which are often the most expensive. His car does 16mpg and he drives 40miles each way to work every day.and fuel is almost £7 a gallon here. He drinks a lot of good red wine..especially if its somebody else who foots the bill! I think him getting my daughter to sell everything he can is more about reducing her to nothing so she is easier to control.....no car, so dependent. She does have another car but he already started telling her that one was no good some time ago......so no doubt that will be next to go. I don't know what he spends the money on or if he is sifting it away somewhere. During the last 6 weeks.since I went NC, he has taken my daughter out to eat most nights. We live in a very rural area so they would have had to travel over 30miles to find a restaurant. Fuel and food and possibly some shopping.every day..... He also told my other daughter that my behaviour has taken the edge off him going abroad anyway. He should have thought about that before he launched his all out verbal attack on me.needtoknowTue, 15 May 2012 08:22:10 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187313,from=rss#post187313Happy Mother's Day to you and all good moms and grandmas here and around the world! Cat (with good kitten) TheCatBeckonsTue, 15 May 2012 08:20:43 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187312,from=rss#post187312Wow, do I ever have "The Fear in Really Letting Go", thanks for giving me the space to name it! Cat (Up a Tree)TheCatBeckonsTue, 15 May 2012 08:13:44 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187311,from=rss#post187311Thanx look.absolutely first class advice. I asked my daughter if we could remain as we always had been...very close...and not even mention his name but she can't do it.and that annoys me cos she isn't respecting my boundaries. She is still speaking to me but just now I am the whipping boy for everything that is going wrong...including her giving up her job. I know he is loving every minute of this, which is another reason I went total NC right at the start. I told her if she wants to go to Dubai then thats fine.her choice and we will all be right behind her.whatever she wants....so then she turned round and said that I wouldn't want to come out and visit her, would I????....and the answer is no, course I won't visit. cos he will be there too. Its as if she wants everything to be back as it was and all play nice.....but it can't.needtoknowTue, 15 May 2012 08:11:21 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187310,from=rss#post187310and all this should be brought into court when you go...his paper means your piece of paper is just as valuable. He still has to pay his half of the lease you know. Even tho he lost his right to live in the house due to having a DV and RO issued. In short your counter suit is for the remainder of the joint lease which while you have to pay it to live there doesn't mean he is just released from his portion of the contract   So no he doesn't just get to walk on that.   Oh and since he charged you for all that stuff, then what I would do...is present to the court any outlying charges that were not paid for by him...and use those to offset hhis piece of paper There are many ways to skin this particular cat...the thing is the courts are going to be fair here...the fact you paid him for those receipts could be used to indicate the agreement to reimburse each other for expense...the other incurred...to start tallying these expenses up to the best of your ability. Do not worry if you cannot locate all of them. You have to have proof, did you write him a check, or take cash out of an ATM to give to him? If so get those together, it doesn't matter if it has his name on it ...if it the source of how you paid him and its truth, you present your truth. You may not win but you also may not entirely lose either. When you tell the judge he charged you gas to go to the grocery store, but he supposedly doesn't owe for anything you expended...the first words out of the judges mouth? Isn't that convienient....The judge is not going to let him bend you over... bring your police reports from various incidents and the RO. Make sure you enter them as exhibits, if he tries to claim he was never paid, there made be things recorded in his staements to the police that will prove he is lying, get the actual certified police reports and sherrif reports...they are fully notated and even come these days in some cases with audio tape lookatmepfreeTue, 15 May 2012 08:06:55 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187309,from=rss#post187309Wafah - Here's my take, for what it's worth. We suffer so much confusion when we are devalued and discarded by these people, and I don't just mean physically, I mean mentally. Our minds go into overdrive trying to figure it all out, while our hearts are tearing apart. We want with all of our being to be important to these people, to matter. We try to make sense of why someone would throw away something so precious as our love, we did everything we could to keep the peace and be obedient, so as not to push them away. When they leave, we feel worthless, they have ground our souls into the ground. We can't imagine moving forward without them, we don't know how they will manage without us. We gave so much... Eventually we find places like this and we read and learn about the N disorder... we don't know if we truly want to beleive that's what it is... because when we find out, it's like we need to accept that there is no hope. No hope for change, No hope for a happy ever after ending. This is as good (or bad as it gets) that's a tough one to swallow... because we've invested so much of our selves, time, money, love .. and giving up on something is incredibely hard when we've become conditioned and addicted. When they attempt a hoover or to get us back, or attempt contact... that intitial euphoric feeling, gives our ego a sense of power, or importance. To hear them say they miss us, makes us, temporarilty feel like we have the upper hand, we do matter to them after all, we are important. In the same token, we feel injected with a power to take the wheel. We feel that we can now call the shots. We can tell them no, and it feels good. But like Crims is suggesting here, (if I am understanding her) is that feeling is fleeting. It doesn't last, because it's not real. The reality is, you will eventually get more of the same. You have power and are in control for a short amount of time, and you enjoy that feeling, you feel important and loved and wanted. You want that feeling to last and it seems thats the way to do it. But what happens if that phone call, those words don't come again, and he quickly finds another supply source and you are once again devalued and discarded? How does that affect your physche? It's damaging. You go right back to the place you were again, confused, wondering whats happened and what you have done wrong. Please if you want power, if you want to get over this, you must disengage. Block his contact information. Please don't wait for him to honour you wishes not to contact you again. Make sure he doesn't. Nothing says Eff Off louder than your silence. You do want that right? Ostrich ostrichTue, 15 May 2012 07:57:43 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187308,from=rss#post187308What I’d like to know is what is he doing with all this money???...loans, selling stuff, etc. Do they live way beyond their means? OR…   Is he sinking her financially before he goes off to Dubai and getting his grubby hands on every last possible cent? She could potentially spend the rest of her life digging herself out if that's his motive.   2befreeTue, 15 May 2012 07:53:17 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187307,from=rss#post187307Thanks for the understanding. He has a document that I signed stating I owe him thousands of dollars of which I've already paid half back and have no proof. Every single time he went to the store there was a charge for that. I was the only one working, I paid for all of our entertainment, all the money to take out his stolen boat, gas for the horse trailer pull, money to go out at night. I paid for all of the horses care of while he had full access to without paying a dime!!! What an idiot I was. Every paycheck I would get a wad of receipts with everything he spent on me and I had to pay it back. He'd charge gas for going to the grocery store. Basically I got soaked. I'm taking over his portion of the lease because he hurt me. Just not fair.wearefreeTue, 15 May 2012 07:51:27 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187306,from=rss#post187306NTK - You see just fine, I think you "feel" too close and it hits too close to home, so you are "doubting" your own judgement in this matter. The fact it's your little gilr makes it harder, not easier. You don't want to be perceived as the "bad" guy or the troublemaker, which you know proxies of N's are fond of making anyone that is not on board into the problem, because that is what they are manipulated to do. The proxies dopn't see this behavior becuase they are all being idealized and having smoke blown up their bum! So to them N is great, but DD knows there is something wrong, and therefore she now is trying to placate the situation and deal N back in she tried to get your Dad to modify you, but the behavior was just too gross and too extreme, baecause I am sure she is getting the devaluizing treatment right now...things like. If you can't fix this it's your fault you said something to your mom didn't you?. Or I guess they really don't love you, do they? I can see all the little snide comments already, how close I am to this situation. What I can also see is before hetook the mask off he was already planning his escape to Dubai...he knew he was losing it, so his plan was to wisk his supply away... unfortunately once he had his plan in the bag he thought it would be fun for shits and giggles to shit where he eats, that is the grandiosity talking, of course things are always going to be better somewhere new, and when that doesn't work with someone new. For you...all you can do is love your daughter, and pick up the pieces when it's all over, respect her choices, even if she has made the same mistakes you have, and offer to her the same healing you received in this forum when it is all over... I bet at the end when he leaves or she leaves, you may actually bond more of this than potentially over anything in your life with her to date, if you can be totally honest and say you know what I have lived this, and been here, and done this, and it has nothing to do with being stupid, or pride or ego. Mental disordered folks are like choas personified, and you will get through this, whether it takes her 2 months or 20 years to figure it out. All that is left now for you to do is be patient and wait, he will mess it up of his own accord, if you let him. Do not be guided by the mistake most parents make of trying to prevent the fall, and therefore the lesson from occuring. You know as well as I do that you are her foo, and your foo is what brought you here, as hard as that might be to hear right now. It will be important to not complicate this issue by adding addtional foo to the problem. The financial damage will be the least of it when it is all over and you also know this. My heart absolutely breaks for you! But to do anything else but disengage, will basically bring out her defiance, you will seriously have to practice some indifference, and to basically not try to urge her to do anything, respecting her is what is going to be difficult and not blaming her in the future for some of the manipulative things she is going to attmept on N's behalf, if you do this you are going to be lost, she will be lost, and you will never recover her, ego and shame will prevent that. The hope here like a passing fad, is when she doesn't feel like everything she does is being questioned by everyone is that she will choose the path of least conflict and resistance...make yourself that path. Right now everyone including N is questioning her, and making her feel gaslit and stupid, so please watch the discussion and critcism of her choices, lest you be the path of higher resistance, and shame. That will firmly wedge between you and cause her to bond more fully with the abuser where she feels safest. She needs to feel safest with you. Best I can offer as far as advice, from a stubborn mule myself...it cost me 20 years with N. If my parents hadn't been such butt heads, my ego might not have gotten in the way. lookatmepfreeTue, 15 May 2012 07:38:59 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187305,from=rss#post187305quote:TheCatBeckons wrote: It sounds like so many of you tried the same stuff and went through the same stuff. Does it ever get better?! Yes, it does: the day that you leave him. If you choose to stay, it will not get better...it will very likely get worse. There is no substitute for getting away. There is no counseling that will repair the "relationship." There is no changing the way he is (and in your case he has even said as much). It is a harsh reality, Cat. But it is REALITY. There is a saying on here that will pop up from time to time: "10,000 members and not one success story." I think it carried over from the old board. Many, many members. Many, many shattered lives. And not ONE relationship with an N that ended up working out. It is a mental disorder, and is classified as such. I am sorry that you have ended up with a person with NPD, Cat. I am sorry that I did. I am sorry that we all did. But at some point, you make a choice to walk away and salvage your own life and happiness. That is when it gets better. MaidinJapanTue, 15 May 2012 07:37:30 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187304,from=rss#post187304Hi Jess, My name is Cat and I've come to the board for help with my issues with Ns due to having an N dad. Almost every N I've ever dealt with has popped up again at some point, even N dad who gave up custody of me as a child. He popped up via letter via my professional association decades after NC. For some reason the Ns pop up at times that don't make sense to me until I think about as best I can from the point of view of the N - in short, its usually something the N needs for the N. With Ns, expect the unexpected, until they finally become predictable, having their own patterns that are inevitably about N in N-land, Best wishes, CatTheCatBeckonsTue, 15 May 2012 07:29:53 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187303,from=rss#post187303Now you need to be more careful than ever. You got away, he is seething.you are only allowed to leave when he says so, when there is nothing left of Wafah at all.when he is good and ready and moved on to better supply.  The more you fight him , the more he enjoys it.you are actually feeding him, he will bleed you dry if you let him.NC is the only way and that way they burn themselves out and move on to pastures new. keep reading, protect yourself.needtoknowTue, 15 May 2012 07:22:51 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187302,from=rss#post187302Dear waterbuffalo, Wow!! My heart goes out to you!! Since you've read some of my postings you know my N stories are mostly about $$$ and verbal abuse, however this mindf** you describe is really beyond the pale! I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. I'm no technie but looks like the experiences members here are recommending blockie narkie!! Big hug, Cat (who has never eaten a mouse LOL)TheCatBeckonsTue, 15 May 2012 07:20:26 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187301,from=rss#post187301Hi again from Cat, Wow!! Most of you tried even more couples counselling than I have!! MaidinJapan - I am glad that I do have an individual therapist and a 12 step group, so I was able to ground and centre to some degree after the panic attack. nearing60 - So you tried the marriage counselling too, and I'm also on the lookout for N takeovers to manipulate and gaslight esp. re: "it was also a misunderstanding. lookatmebefree - I think that you're 100% right about the 2 options, to accept it as it is or leave - things with Ns are kind of binary - to paraphrase what Yoda said "do or not do, there is no try" ... glab2beme - I have been wasting less and less time on the N and even suggested lunch with a friend. What is difficult is the time wasted on N in my inner world (worrying and ruminating). Eventually this must ease up? EmTee1 - Wow - you tried couples counselling too! hapi2bf3 - I think what confuses me is between what my spirit says and this whole logical thing about change. The N has changed his behaviour quite a bit but he already told me that deep down he won't change. meffem - I think sometimes the spiritual truth gets covered over with a fuzzy, yucky blanket of rationalizing, anxiety and wishful think ... if only ... coulda shoulda woulda ... chris670 - Hi chris, you tried 6-7X, I'm figuring 6-7 different counsellors - that is perserverence, and still didn't work on the N!!! A big hug to all my fellow travellers here! It sounds like so many of you tried the same stuff and went through the same stuff. Does it ever get better?! -Cat TheCatBeckonsTue, 15 May 2012 07:14:52 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187300,from=rss#post187300Waterbuffalo, When you volunteer to remain in contact, you are no longer a victim. She baited you, you bit into the hook. These people are masters at mind games. No contact is no contact. You resist all urges to know about them, to respond to them, and to contact them. It ain't easy. But these people love to tempt us, play with us. Have you ever watched our a cat play with a mouse.....until the mouse is dead??? Deedee   deedee1950Tue, 15 May 2012 06:47:17 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187299,from=rss#post187299Hello Whatincrim, I found your response very helpful, but require a little more guidance from you as I have never been previously exposed to an N and it's my first encounter with one. Slowly I have began to understand what I was faced with in the marriage of two years. Please help me gain a deeper understanding of few things you mentioned. You mentioned something about when he gives up and goes silent, will I be ok then? Please shed some light on this because today I woke up exhausted and battling with my emotions again. Yesterday I was elated that I didn't allow him to move me and I didn't give in to him, but I realize how much energy it took out of me to engage with him, and not react to everything he was saying to me. He has drained me with his negative energy. What I can't understand is that I felt on a high, elated and thrilled that I got the better end of the stick, and didn't let him get to me, BUT DID I REALLY? I KEEP WONDERING? BECAUSE TODAY I DON'T FEEL SO ELATED AND ONCE AYGAIN FIND MYSELF THINKING OF HIM! MISSING HIM AND ANALYSING WHAT HE SAID! IM WONDERING WETHER ENGAGING WITH HIM ACTUALLY GAVE ME ANYTHING AT ALL? ok, yes it showed me iv grown and will not succumb, but why do I feel so low today? The bottom line is that even if I didn't give in to his charm, the reality is that I am still hurt but what he has done to me, still mourning the relationship that I so much wanted to have, the dreams and the hopes and the love I still feel for him. And YES! I do have a voice, but even in that I had to choose to appear to him like I'm in my shell and will not come out. Because I know that if I lash out and tell him exactly how I feel, he will rip me emotionally to pieces. If I truly tell him how angry I am, how I absolutely hate what he did to me, his beast will surface and eat me alive! And if I appear weak, vulnerable and pining for him, then too he will just manipulate me and draw me into his web and heart. So I chose to play, poor little lost girl who has withdrawn into her shell, given up on life, and will not let anyone in. So I still have to pretend, play a game just to protect my own interests, so what has changed? I feel like yesterday was just me going on a high because he was down and sorry and depressed and missing me, and tomorrow it can turn around where he will be happy and on a high and I can be down and out again, like a push and pull game! I'm so confused and trying to understand what exactly have a really gained by engaging with him. The truth f the matter is that no matter how much I chat to him, he will never admit his faults or where he went wrong, and saying YOU LOVE ME AND WANT TO MARRY ME BUT JUST CAN'T LIVE WITH ME, STILL REALLY HURTS ME INSIDE, IF YOU LOVE ME, WHY ISN'T IT ENOUGH TO HAVE ME LIVE WITH YOU AND BE PART OF YOUR LIFE? WHY COULDN'T YOU STAND UP FOR ME TO YOUR MUM, BUT RATHER ALLOWED HER TO HURT ME AND BELITTLE ME ALL THE TIME, I AM SO ANGRY AND HURT BUT WHAT YOU DID TO ME! All of this I know and feel but will never have the guts to say it to him, because I don't want to be further hurt by him. The only way we can converse is if I play dumb, or if I am sweet loving and kind all the time. You spoke about VOICELESSNESS...... Please tell me more about what you mean here. I'm trying to quote you but can't seem to get it right. HE WILL REFUTE AND REBEL....... Please explain to me further as well. I feel now that every time I engage him, I just keep moving backwards. He stories haunt changed, the same old crap about how he didn't want things to end this way, and still loves me and would want to be with me but things are complicated. ( he divorced me and asked me to leave!) what he wants is for me to still allow him to be part of my life, to chat and call me, maybe even meet occasionally for a movie, coffee and I'm sure a good bonk from time to time. I'm sorry, I will not allow him to use me in that manner! I am worthy of so much more, thanks! Please shed some light for me Whatincrims? You mentioned some important points and I'm trying to make sense of it all. Tell me more.   WafahTue, 15 May 2012 06:41:54 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187298,from=rss#post187298Blue Girl, I understand exactly what you are going through, I hit those bad bumps in the road also. Married 30 years to an N, have 5 children and left him 10 months ago. It takes a lot of time to get them out of our head. Mine still creeps in and I find myself questioning my sanity. My kids are great and always give me moral support, but sometimes I feel like I just can't move or talk to anyone, so I just curl up on the couch and hide from the world. I knew something wasn't right in my marriage, but until I left I didn't realize how much damage he had done to me and to my children. We are all trying to find ourselves again, and it is a very time consuming project. You are a very strong woman and I know you will succeed in building a new life for yourself. That is my goal and I have to keep telling myself that I can get there. I believe God brought me this far and he has a plan for me and I need to trust him. You have my prayers and I want you to know that you are not alone, I struggle everyday. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep your chin up and a smile on your face. lazinTue, 15 May 2012 06:29:25 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187297,from=rss#post187297Hi all Well, I don't know if I'm an inspiration given that I've just got involved with a cocaine user, although that finished after 3 months rather than going on for 5 years! I was lucky in that I had moved 170 miles from XN a few months before we split up. We work in the same field (and I worked with his mum) so had I stayed where I was, it was very likely I would have bumped into him. NC was made easier by the fact that I was far away from him. I do sympathise with those who have to see theirs out and about or are tied to them because of children. It wasn't easy at the time; in fact, I think it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. But it was also one of the best things that I've ever done. You feel at the time as if you want to lay down and die but you do survive and go on to feel happy and to be yourself again - albeit older and wiser. One of the things that really helped me - and it's helped me again with my recent experience with someone who wasn't an N but had N traits because of his drug use - was to knock him off the very high pedestal that I had him on. I said to my counsellor at the time that I wanted to knock him off and I imagined being on Gladiators or Total Wipeout where I had a huge padded stick (sure there's a word for that somewhere) and was knocking them with force off the pedestal I had them on! I've just been through something similar with the coke addict guy who finished with me. I blamed myself for 2 weeks but have now managed to turn it round and realise that the problems were with him and his coke habit (that I only now realise was worse than I thought, being naive about these things). I carry around a pad and a pen and whenever something occurs to me, I write it down. I had pages and pages about XN at the time that I was able to throw away a few months later. It might not work for everyone but it helped me and was a kind of cartharsis for all my thoughts. I did dip as well but something that a previous poster said to me was that I'll never get anything but pain from dipping and she was right. Once she said that, I didn't dip again. Best wishes to everyone. Jess Jessica072Tue, 15 May 2012 06:06:30 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187296,from=rss#post187296Dear Blue Like you, I was with the n for 35 years and like Noelnoel we share three children and grandchildren. I am four years out and want to reassure you that I felt exactly as you did, and wondered if I'd ever be able to get him out of my head. (Getting him physically out of my life was SO much easier than getting him out of my brain.) Although I still think of him every day, most of the time it's to realize that I just experienced something fully, completely, joyfully -- without the nagging grip of his abuse ruining the experience. When you have spent 35 years living with a controlling, abusive narcissist, his psyche thoroughly controls every thought, every move you make, because that's what he wanted and insisted on. Please realize that you've spent 35 years living with powerful conditioning. Unfortunately, there's no magic pill that eliminates this control overnight. It definitely takes time to retrain your brain. If you follow all the great advice on this board, even when it doesn't seem to be doing any good at all, all the cr*p you're feeling now will -- I promise -- stop. It comes about gradually, over time. I remember I used to chant to myself "it will get better, it will get better. I believe it will get better." At five months out there was barely a minute when I didn't think about him. And even though intellectually I knew he was not the person I had thought he was -- that he was, in reality, an empty shell, a physical body walking around masquerading as a human being -- I just couldn't grasp it in my heart. But now my heart has caught up with my brain, and yours will too. It sounds like you are doing all the right things -- brava for you!!! Just keep doing what you're doing and all will be well. When I consider my life now I can honestly say it was completely worth all the horrible pain I lived through to be rid of him. I am way happier now that I ever was with him -- and I thought we were "soul mates!" Hugs, 20/20 almosttwentytwentyTue, 15 May 2012 06:00:09 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187295,from=rss#post187295thanx look.I am a bit too close to see wood for trees with this.but of course, you are spot on with all of it. I just hope we can all hang on til my daughter sees the light and he goes away to Dubai. thank you.needtoknowTue, 15 May 2012 05:33:58 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187294,from=rss#post187294I think of them as "illusions of human beings". You can see them, but will never be able to really connect with them.hapi2bf3Tue, 15 May 2012 05:33:42 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187293,from=rss#post187293Jessica, you are an inspiration! Thanks for posting this. Amazing, isn't it, that they REALLY DO all play from the same play book! Hapihapi2bf3Tue, 15 May 2012 05:31:19 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187292,from=rss#post187292Happy for you DeeDee! hapi2bf3Tue, 15 May 2012 05:28:14 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187291,from=rss#post187291Blue Girl, I have found that it is to be expected to have "stall-time" when healing from an N relationship. I am also realizing when I feel that way that my spirit is in the process of working something out. If I am not impatient the answer comes. I had 17 years with the N. There are patterns ingrained in me, that will take some time to change. I don't think it was until about a year after NC that I started to feel like myself again. Some things are just coming back now and it's been almost two years. The good news is there will come a time when word of what he is doing won't matter to you. The purpose of NC is not to punish them, but to save us...to get us in touch with our spirits again. I am a person who needs a visual picture. When I read about being emmeshed with the N this is the one a made for myself: I start to move and I can't. I can't see anything keeping me from movement until I look closer and realize I am caught up in a clear, very long piece of fishing line. I start unwinding it and it is wound so many ways, I realize I must have been tangling myself up in it for a long time. I finally get my body untangled from it, but there are tiny little marks from the fishing line all over me. I have to wait for those indentions in my skin to fade out and heal. I knew I was committed to ending the relationship and just did not realize how entangled I was in the behavior in the relationship until I was out. It's been almost two years...and I realize the "marks" on my skin are almost gone. Be patient with yourself. You are doing a great job moving foward. All you are experiencing right now is being "caught up" in the remainder of the fishing line. to you. Hapi.hapi2bf3Tue, 15 May 2012 05:21:08 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187290,from=rss#post187290of courese this happened, she is the idealized one...so to her you are being unreasonable, we both know this is not the case. He riangulated the situation, thought he could manipulate your dad...but forgot...it's your dad. He didn't like being called on the carpet. Of course he had to come sit in the driveway so he could present himself as a victim to your daughter, poor pitiful him! Ahh yes the money and things this is where things start.lookatmepfreeTue, 15 May 2012 05:14:58 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187289,from=rss#post187289 Believe it or not 15mnths after the D&D, I am still suffering a bit of residual shock !! Was diagnosed with PTSD .still recovering....  The Breakuo;  N told me that it was all over and he was thinking of 'getting engaged' to someone else in an email which arrived at 12:30am!!  I felt like I had hit by a Mack Truck.. I didn't sleep a wink that night and lay shivering and weeping on the bed all night...  So that was it; the end of a passionate relationship /love affair, an 'engagement' and lost of plans destroyed, it was over just like that...all the promises suddenly and irrevocably broken...  Yes that is how an N breaks your heart... They are not human..they are cold blooded monsters... One day you are their greatest love/lover ever..Next day you are gone...Forgotten...Burnt toast thrown away..  I still cannot think of fully loving and trusting another so I just keep slowing,inexorably moving towards my healing. But try as I might I cannot help but despise such a monster JLxJanineLouise3110Tue, 15 May 2012 05:11:58 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187288,from=rss#post187288Not sure there is any answer for your question. Why are their sharks in the ocean? Sometimes the is no answer for the question why. Sometimes valuable time is lost even trying to figure out the answer to this question, although I understand the need to ask the question. It's never been fruitful or provided any answers. Even if there were an answer, it would not provide any comfort. Once you get to acceptance...tho it no longer matters, the why.lookatmepfreeTue, 15 May 2012 05:09:35 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187287,from=rss#post187287Wear, I am very sorry. I understand you very well because whenever I tried to deal with my victimization legally, it was just another victimization on top of another. Unfortunately modern legal system in most of the cases proceeds to victimize... The last year I read this book "Alice"... it is a memoir about rape and how the victim was further victimized by the whole system after the rape. This year I tried to exercise my own rights because my former employer stole my money. I contacted number of lawyers and made a number of steps. All in vain. From what I gathered, I would probably had a chance ONLY if I would hire an EXPENSIVE lawyer, BUT even in this case lawyers say that the outcome is most likely will be against me. And what could be a more clear case??? Employer who does not pay wages? Labor Department was at least somewhat sympathetic on the phone but even them told me that it is VERY unlikely I will be able to get my money. Modern system is designed this way and I learned that one should not be leaning on law, but leaning only on one's gut feeling and as soon one feels that there is something off, one should detach and run, run, run. Legal system is so complicated these days and people are so generally tired these days and confused and angry, in majority of the cases they always have some excuse to hide behind to justify why they are not doing the right thing. Wear, I do not have a good advice for you, I do not know. As for his small claims - what they are all about? If they are all about small stuff, I would just give him this small stuff. At this point I would not care about winning/losing. You won big time by telling him NO and there is no need to enhance this victory. Do you think that you can grant him all what he claims and be done without a fight? If not, then just go to the the court and ask God for help. Do the best YOU can and do not worry about the outcome. It is extremely frustrating and upsetting and it makes me very angry as well that our legal system is so unfair. I think it is because the whole focus of this system is not on how to help the justice but how to avoid unnecessary problems and complications. This is just my opinion. I have heard quite a few cases when people self-represented themselves. However in order to do that one has to stop everything in their life and learn the law better than judges and lawyers. because in all self-representation cases that I heard of, the one has to prove oneself not only against the offender but against the legal system as well. It is very sad that in majority of the cases the only motivating factor for people to "understand" is to scare them and that means a power game, which I do not like.... I do believe that expensive lawyer would probably do it, but then the victim has to pay zillion of money for this and in most of the cases victim does not have money. Hugs, Col ColombinaTue, 15 May 2012 04:38:06 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187286,from=rss#post187286Blue Girl, I am writing to let you know that it does get better. I was married to xnh for 45 years and dated him 4 years before that. We both came from the same small town and knew all the same things and people. We raised 3 daughters and had 5 grandchildren while we were married. It was all a lie. It takes time to heal. I just came here and read every time I felt bad. It would turn my head around and make me feel understood. It has now been 5.5 years since he left. I promised my daughters that I would not do any thing irrational and I have kept my promise. My goal is to set the best possible example for my daughters and grandchildren. Even though they are adults, I want them to have some normalcy in their lives after all of this. That will be my legacy. Like you, I started out making my home a place for me. I redecorated and learned many things about how to care for my home. The internet is a wonderful source for that. I've come to enjoy my time alone and actually cherish it. At each stage of my healing, I could look back and see that I was moving forward. Some days were not so good, but each time I would pull out of it and move on. I still have a couple bad days now and then. You have my best wishes and prayers to keep up with your healing and just know that "it does get better". Noelnoel NoelnoelTue, 15 May 2012 02:03:54 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187285,from=rss#post187285Thanks Greentee, yes, It set me back...but it was going to happen at some point and at least it validated all my thoughts that he is a covert N....it may make me even more resolute and strong in the long run...? The timing of this before I go for new career where I must be 100% and non distracted is probably a good thing..at the moment I can at least take time off work if I have to ...maybe the higher power angels are looking after me??! I struggle with applying the rules of normals and ending of r/s to the way the N do it...the shock of him behaving so textbook. He has been such bad news for me for so long...the enormity of what i have to do to get mentally healthy is daunting... blue girlTue, 15 May 2012 01:51:03 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187284,from=rss#post187284Blue, You had been under the P influence for such along time. But you have finally decided to disengage with him. That requires lots of strength. You have that in you. You were doing well in 5M NC. I think finding out about the OW set you back. You would pass this, just another hurdle. Be strong, Blue!GreenteeTue, 15 May 2012 01:27:02 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187283,from=rss#post187283Thank you for your posts/ replies... Crim I found out about the OW from mutual accountant. I am generally ok at being able to keep NC As he lives 250 miles away. However I am going to look at tightening boundries even further though I cant think where there are any gaps. I worked through the really bad day alone, off work and safe in my home yesterday. It did get better by the evening and I felt a bit calmer and the rat poisonous thoughts of him diminished a bit. The control from the N in my life has been going on for so long...he was the centre of my universe for sooooo many years that I am so conditioned to the bizzareness of the narcissm. The N has infiltrated every cell of my life...there is a adult life of shared history, friends, possessions...everywhere i turn there is a reminder... I have some furniture that was his that he gave/donated to my home...so I have decided that despite the cost involved that has to go..and i will carry on painting doing a makeover of my place so it feels different unique mine again. My N was very controlling about decorating etc so it will be theraputic. I should get my uni results in 3.5 weeks and then job hunting and new career will help. A daily life that will have new contacts, routine that has not been tinged by him. I just a bit in limbo land at the moment. The other thing is that I sold my jeep to fund my uni course so am in a van with signage at the moment...everywhere i go I can be spotted...when i drop my current business, the van can go. I think that is another reason i get anxious about going anywhere away from home. He has a share in the van and despite him saying at the discard I could keep it and he writing off the amount owing, it is another area of vulnerability. I am going to contact my friend again who is a hypnotherapist who helped a lot in the early days with eft and deep relaxation exersises... I have also realised that if I get overtired and try to do too much (which is hard given the physical nature of my job) that it is harder for me to cope. The rest at home yesterday proved that. Not eating or sleeping well and keeping busy is not currently good for me and healing. Please bear in mind that I have been very deeply in love with the ex N for 20 years...and the past five months has been very cold turkey of no contact...he has known what i am up to every minute of the day and the intricacies of my life...my behaviour and thoughts have been insidiously moulded and shaped to his warped thinking...I am out because I wanted to be out...it was me that called him out...made him leave because there was no further supply left for him. But that does not make this process any easier. I obviously hit a bump in the road on my recovery journey over the past week I have had to stop and do some repairs. I know where I have to get to/ destination...but the fuel tank is low, the gps doesn't work and the ride is most uncomfortable. !!!!  blue girlTue, 15 May 2012 01:05:55 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187282,from=rss#post187282My elderly parents came to visit last week, my daughter came round to see them at my house. When she was here, my phone rang and as I went to answer the phone in another room, my sneaky daughter whispered in my father's ear that SIL was outside in the car on my driveway should my father wish to speak to him. I was so angry. SIL and my daughter know SIL is not allowed anywhere near me or my house. My daughter is not usually so sly.  My father said he had nothing to say to SIL. On sunday morning, as usual, my husband and I and also my parents went to a car boot sale. My daughter and SIL were also there.which is also usual.SIL made a bee line for my father. My 84 year old father dismissed SIL and said his abuse was intolerable and my father couldn't believe the change in SIL at all and thought SIL is a fool for saying the things he has said. SIL was in a temper, had a face like thunder. The rest of us ignored him. My daughter arrived here yesterday afternoon. I told her I was not impressed with her behaviour at all.how dare she!SIL was extremely abusive 6 weeks ago so I went total NC.....and he is raging about it..my daughter told me I am the abusive one.....she witnessed the abuse levelled at myself and my other daughter by SIL which set this all off in the first place.and now its my fault??? The only abuse I have dished out is I went NC.....and he hates it. SIL has convinced my daughter to give up a very good well paying job, he told her her car was no good and she needed to sell it so they could pay bills...it was a very good car, now its gone. My daughter is now trying to sell things that the rest of the family have given her...1 is a caravan that is worth several thousand pounds.she was trying to sell it for £500. I told my daughter that no matter what happened, we would be here for her and would not fall out with her.so SIL changed tack and is trying to get her to abandon all of us. I wish I had it all wrong re SIL..but I am not wrong about him.the facts are facts.needtoknowTue, 15 May 2012 00:24:50 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187281,from=rss#post187281Moving on. To me it means focusing on me & my kids and not giving xnh a thought. My life is about me, making me happy, doing what I choose, where, when, how & why. I gotta say that now that I am 3 yrs out, it is all about me. He could drop off the face of the earth and I couldn't care less. I am done with the n bs. I am still waiting on the divorce, but... I have moved, gone back to school, made new friends, my kids are doing pretty well, I am HAPPY as ever. I feel like I am glowing. And judging by the amount of attention I am getting, others see it too. Life is AWESOME. The early days are rough, hard as H3LL, but it gets better, way better!! This is the silver lining. LeftHimIntheDustTue, 15 May 2012 00:21:42 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187280,from=rss#post187280I returned to my maiden name on my wedding anniversary. It was very empowering. I started with my drivers licence, and slowly changed one piece of ID at a time. For me it was just taking it back, discarding his surname. I highly recommend it. And if you can get alimony, all the better. LeftHimIntheDustTue, 15 May 2012 00:11:36 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187279,from=rss#post187279Thanx everybody. needtoknowTue, 15 May 2012 00:10:49 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187278,from=rss#post187278Hi, I am 5 years post N/P. I am not the same person I was before the bulldozer hit me.I am that person and the new enlightened one too. Why do they exist?......good question .needtoknowTue, 15 May 2012 00:03:41 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187277,from=rss#post187277 I notice here, it's good to ask questions and get "thinking" as a way of healing. Everyone has had thier heart broken. I would like to tell you all how it felt for me the last time. It was like he ran over me with his riding mower, or I just got in the way of his snow blower. It was hurt and pain I could not believe this person had the capacity to deliver on any one. Ok, BS, pick yourself up and brush yourself off. Why did it not work this time? Your N mother or father,brother,sister,etc. That's family. You figure it out. This place and my therapist has helped me. I'm saying you can go back to who you were. It gives you a chance to be you. Good, bad,ugly,fat,thin..... They are vultures. Whatever feather they have plucked off of your beautiful glowing coat, wil grow back. OMG, why do they exist?????????here2learnMon, 14 May 2012 23:04:19 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187276,from=rss#post187276TRUSTING SOMEONE ELSE ONLY BECOMES POSSIBLE WHEN WE LEARN TO TRUST OURSELVES. Trust comes from within...if you can't trust someone then something is not right and you cannot trust your judgement..if your judgement says you can trust yourself and you mistakenly trust the wrong person...we learn our trust in our own judgement is what was flawed... When we change how our judgement works and become more discerning and better at setting boundries, we change who we feel we can trust, and then trust becomes easier, because we can trust oursleves....and our new judgement.lookatmepfreeMon, 14 May 2012 22:00:04 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187275,from=rss#post187275This doesn't by any means mean what happened was deserved or that you feelings were discounted by me in anyway. It's just the reality...for you it's your life for them it's their job, I am sure you have been exposed to people for whom their job is just a paycheck? They are never going to risk anything, nor are they going to extert themselves either, but it isn't personal either. They don't care in general, it wouldn't matter who ut was. So I am sorry for your hurt, even if they are not, but remember we can wallow in what does not go right or we can plan and execute what went left You must always keep oing don't take no for an answer...it doesn't matter what it is these days, it always something not behaving as expected, the trick is learning to expect it not to go as expected, and beginning on planning for that, then if it goes as expected...Great if not...then you have begun planning for your left turn. LOL when has the govt ever been speedy....90 seems fast if we are talking about anything administered by the Govt. He can take you to samll claims all he wants, make sure you answer the claim and file a counter claim for any moneys owed to you especially for your DV injury...even if it's a just a xray co pay. Counter claim for everything he should have paid and didn't for if you don't bring it now you lose the right to in the future. Also make sure to ask for some pain and sifferening regarding your head injury, you may not get it, but it may also make the judge sympathetic, and above all else do not agree to anything being owed...make him prove it....his word is not enough, he must produce documents and reciepts, and an agremeent that your obligated. What if you win? Are you prepared for the aftermath? Given the rage sure to omeany thought? If you win and I mean this, you meet him no where alone ever for any reason. You cannot do YOU wrong, remember you deserve as much patience as anyone...and don't worry so much, about mistakes...there isn't exatly an instruction manual...on you nor a "correct" answer key. Getting it right isn't going to happen over night anymore than getting it wrong occured instantly either...we all had a million opporitunities in all likelihood to choose different and be different....we didn't do those things at the time, what we have to know is not, Why he did or does things, but why we did or do things! Also you lose as much as you allow it to control you, you control it, so if you hate it happening, why let it happen to you? This is as simple as immediately reclaiming your day...for yourself as soon as possible, so you can get back on track faster. Someties we have to go NC with our thoughts, regarding N too this one is harder, but it feels just as good when mastered!! lookatmepfreeMon, 14 May 2012 21:47:17 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187274,from=rss#post187274You saw him as handicapped...possibly reprseenting the NPD aspect of being disorderd. Since he can no longer fske "normal" he is presented as disabled to you. For to you he is disabled, as disabled as if he were missing legs. He is smiling to his side, because that is where your daughter should be standing but she was not there. He is smiling at her, the mask, because to her, she doesn't yet see him for what he is ... emotionally handicapped. His legs mean he is dependant on her, the smiles = "attention" or idealism. lookatmepfreeMon, 14 May 2012 21:20:37 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187273,from=rss#post187273Thanks you guys. I'm just frustrated. I get better advice here and I guess like I said thought this person was going to help me. Thanks for pointing out that it is I, me, Wearefree that has to be my own advocate. You are right. Yes, him smashing my head into the door jam was enough. I guess I see your point about them being jaded. I went in with an open heart and got hurt though. 90 days before I can talk to anyone about this professionally doesn't seem fair either, I guess I should just feel lucky its available at all. Surely in 90 days I'll still need it. It just feels so unfair. My rent doubled, his is almost free. He can call my friends and hopefully they wont tell me again. I'll tell ya I've rationalized twice about making a call and slapped myself mid thought. I'm tired and emotional. I'll put on my cape again tomorrow. This just hit hard. He's taking me to small claims, what if he wins? I have so little to work with as it is. Yes, I will follow up with the legal assistance center. I'm just getting really tired of this stuff. I want to be free. Really free! I'm an overthinker, if someone tells me do this that, and the other and you'll get to here. That I can do. I have no idea what I'm doing, if it's right. My focus on me and my happiness all by myself, setting up my pool on my porch all got shot to hell cuz he called my friends. I really hate that. I'm madder than I've been so far. And tired, all the time I'm tired. Thanks for listening. wearefreeMon, 14 May 2012 21:12:32 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187272,from=rss#post187272No one cares more about your case than you!! Have you tried calling the DA's office directly now? Also as an aside they become somewhat jaded, and it can take quite alot for them to find someone willing to go to the MAT for their case, barring some glaring incident they are going to wait for you to take the initiative, sorry but that is how it is...reason being how many times have you heard of the abused going back? And the DV perp then sues for unlawful prosecution...collects money and rides off into the sunset beating the victim until the end of time. You may need communicate this directly to the DA's office. That you are in, and keep communicating until they want to believe. Sorry that is the price we have to pay for so many frightened and scared who returned and abandoned their prosecutions. Facts are facts. So do you want to pursue it or not?lookatmepfreeMon, 14 May 2012 20:56:01 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187271,from=rss#post187271waterbuffalo...I am a different bird, than most around here... But I don't ever reach out, I only respond if the inquiry is direct, and only to the extent it is initiated by them. I don't seek to communicate with them. But a few have contacted me after the fact... Things like why are you trying to get him back....this is when they realize they were duped.. when they find out he owes me money, hurt my children, and was a complete diviant, of epically wierd proportions! Otherwise, I mind my own business, leave things alone and don't bother anything touched by N is really tainted, until they are ready to take off the potetnial rose gcolored goggles and additive longing to restore their lost relationship is past they are quite dangerous WB to have any kind of contact with. They will pass you info to N if they think it will deal them back in with N. I am sure you remember a phase where you would do almost anything if it meant pretend guy or girl would return. This can be a tricky one. The broken are easily manipulated, they are also vulnerable to deals "with the devil" if it suits N's purpose. Usualyy it limited to a single contact and learning it wan't them and he is the same to everyone is enough for most. This is careful business and not for the non-indifferent or faint of heart. Of course my milage varies. I don't care about P anymore and while I fear his antics, and their consequences, I do not fear him. He is an idiot, of epic proportions!!! Sometimes the world truly is full of idiots, and I dated their King!!!lookatmepfreeMon, 14 May 2012 20:48:24 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187270,from=rss#post187270DO IT!!!! I didn't and I regret it to this day. I was still in the fog during the divorce and got all blubbery at the thought.. Gawd I could have slapped myself. Now it's going to cost me bookuuu bucks to do it. So I'm stuck with turd's name for a while yet. lol AffectionatedragonMon, 14 May 2012 20:17:07 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187269,from=rss#post187269 Not a very original greeting, but so true. I had to re-join due to a change in my email. At first, PANIC. But it all worked out with Had's help. So, "benice" is gone and that's a good thing. Not ALWAYS the best way to approach the world Anyway, without much thought I'm now "here2learn". After 5 or 6 years that is the #1 thing that has happened to me. What I have learned from all of you has resulted in me being much better abled. I can contribute (to the right causes) I can give and take. I can help myself and therefore help my grown children to reach for that. As far as all of life's ups and downs, and here we cover them all. The empthay, guidance and suport that one can give to another is all here. AND, last I looked, as they say "the best things in life are free" This is a beautiful place. Wendy here2learnMon, 14 May 2012 20:09:37 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187268,from=rss#post187268P father did this to my Mother and to us Bea. We not only figured him out, we figured out more and more as we got older and have been NC with P father for 18 years. He broke his financial promises and we got ourselves through college with the encouragement and love from our wonderful Mother and no help from him. Your children will see their father's true colors. Be thankful he is out of your life.            Joy78Mon, 14 May 2012 19:58:21 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187267,from=rss#post187267Naps and silence to enjoy reading a book or soft classical music while I crochet. And no more slamming front door followed by the loud clapping shoes across the kitchen floor when NP arrived home from his "terrible day at work"!!!! and everyone was to hear all about it. (He was "self-employed" and only worked about six months a year total.) Oh how I love naps! Joy78Mon, 14 May 2012 19:46:58 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187266,from=rss#post187266Thanks all for sharing your most inner thoughts with me. I hope somehow one day we will all find true happiness that we are so rightly deserve. Thanks KLO1950 for your inspiring story. It gives us hope GreenteeMon, 14 May 2012 19:01:13 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187265,from=rss#post187265I'm mad to. I know exactly how you feel. This woman should be trying to help you or at least be smpathetic and give you other recourses and tools. Sometimes it feels lonely in this n victim world. It's like the only people who have a clue are the people here. Sorry this is a When someone shows you who they are...believe them. Maya Angelou glad2bemeMon, 14 May 2012 18:46:03 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187264,from=rss#post187264quote:I had been doing well, and got to the stage that i had read so much about n i started concentrating on me. Doing things I wanted. Since learning of the ow last week I have dipped back big time its like the early stages again...every thought is a memory of what we did, he said, where we have been.   Dipping and breaking NC is so hazardous to our health. Not sure how you learned of OW.. Blue, you know better than this..you just drank the koolaid by dipping. Can you be patient with yourself and realize this is interim in terms of these emotions? No more dipping..n's move on and quick..they don't feel so it's easy to play "act" for another who might be open to their greatness. Would you want to be that way? Really? One where you had no soul and only felt alive when you were busy playing a play that is empty and always ends up in flames? Wouldn't want to be an n... They always think the "next" one will get them..to only grow old and have nothing to show for it when they face our Maker. Chin up.. WhatincriminysHappenedMon, 14 May 2012 18:41:30 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187263,from=rss#post187263I think the most important factor to DV is obtaining counseling if you're unable to do so. If they can pull that off..kuddos. As for stepping in on legal matters..maybe legal assistance can add something. Have you reached out to them as of yet? Do you have an attorney at present? WhatincriminysHappenedMon, 14 May 2012 18:24:50 UTC http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/p187262,from=rss#post187262Thank you, Sil. I was obviously very emotional when I wrote my post. I guess I would just expect someone who specializes in DV to be a bit more tuned in. To just casually tell a woman who is doing everything to stop the abuse, Oh, what he did wasn't enough. Well that just didn't sit right. She doesn't care one bit. I guess I really had high hopes for this appointment, I do have a court date with this monster on June 7th and need some help. I'm frustrated. My focus has been rattled ever since I heard he's been contacting my friends. That rat stinks. Guess I'm dealing with the anger phase a tad, LOL. Thanks for letting me get it out. wearefreeMon, 14 May 2012 18:23:40 UTC