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nearing60
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Re: The horrible sinking feeling that someone you love doesn't really wish you well...
Big Hugs to you, Maid,
I didn't have an N mom but I had an N-MIL and every encounter with her for 30+ years was like a punch in the lower stomach. She would never praise anyone and the conversation had to get back to revolving around her, what she knew, what she did, who she knew.
My kids would win some kind of award at school and she would just sit there and barely smile but not offer up a praise.
She might say "Well, back in my day, I had
a 4.0. Did I ever tell you all about my winning History essay?"
She complained endlessly at DD's graduation that the folks next to her were chewing gum and thus...she failed to hear when DD was called up to stage! (yeah, right!)
With them, it's just an ALL About ME life script and so sad. When it gets to the point where every encounter equates with trauma,
you do want to cease or severely minimize
communication. I think there is "no room at the Inn" to really listen and they are extremely jealous people.
We will never find approval with them. Your therapist said it best about living as authentic a life as you can. It's the only option. :heart:
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Feb/22/2012, 7:52 am
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MaidinJapan
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Re: The horrible sinking feeling that someone you love doesn't really wish you well...
Thanks for the support and kind words 2B, N60, everyone.
I guess the thing that has been so confusing is that sometimes she can be really nice, but other times the subtle digs really hurt and sometimes they are not even subtle. I wonder if it could be mood related? Also it seems to be getting worse as she is getting older.
Well...you are all right -- I cannot base my happiness or self-worth on her opinions. I would just like to get through one conversation without feeling so weird. Maybe that is not possible.
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Feb/22/2012, 4:25 pm
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lizzyd
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Re: The horrible sinking feeling that someone you love doesn't really wish you well...
Just a side bar MIJ...mothers and daughters relationships seem (sometimes) to be fraught with problems. I remember doing my minor in Women's Studies and discussing this topic. When a minority perceives they have no power (economically, politically, etc etc) they tend to focus on, either, finding a place where they perceive to have power, ie...the country club, worrying about what other women think about them, beautifying themselves, their very psyches are so devalued by society that anyway they can believe they can achieve some power over their lives is (unfortunately ) to pit themselves against other women. The other side of this (once again unfortunately) they do not want their daughters to have to be treated in the same way (in other words , because they don't see they have a way to ever have personal power, they dig at their daughters, totally unbeknown to themselves, of what they are doing).
I know I'm probably not putting this in the most succinct way (I know what I'm talking about lol) but I hope this helps. I have always been fascinated about mother/daughter relationships and I found this view a way to understand. It's deep! Anyhow that is my take on it. I know our mothers love us. I just know that, and I hope you come to some resolution about that too. Mens mantra has always been , "divide and destroy". Women fall into that category all too well. (and any other minority group).
Hugs
Lizzy d
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Feb/23/2012, 8:15 am
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Mirror Me
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Re: The horrible sinking feeling that someone you love doesn't really wish you well...
This is a very good thread. To all of you, hugs. It is indeed difficult to realize you are an object to your mother. I feel each and everyone's pain and sadness. Living authentically? What exactly does that mean? I only see one thing for me, to realize my mom is not capable through no fault of her own. Her mom was disordered, and she is the product. Her mom helped raise me as well. My trap is trying to get external validation. Trying to win the love and approval I never got as a child. That is my FOO. That is what my N taught me and it is still what I want from her. And she is totally incapable of giving it to me. She does not have it. Through no fault of her own. She is disordered. But now where do I go with this information? Who is further along on this path? How how how can I stop so desperately wanting the N validation? As if nothing else matters. I guess job number one is loving myself. I have not done that in so long, I don't even know what that is.
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Feb/23/2012, 8:36 am
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nearing60
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Re: The horrible sinking feeling that someone you love doesn't really wish you well...
Mirror,
Just stop wishing for N validation unless you trust a crazy nut ball case. They are the last ones on earth to verify we are ok because
they can only send out poison.
We have to get centered and that requires NC or LC. Find trust in anyone who has a reliable consistent record of character and honesty. Maybe let them be a mentor for your peace and guidance.
You can gather from my N-MIL post that she brought much agony with her splitting and there was nothing ANYone could do to meet with her approval. Not her son, she damaged.
Not me or my kids. This is why my kids don't speak to her anymore due to her derangement
and ungodly imperious attitude.
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Feb/23/2012, 9:45 am
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lizzyd
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Re: The horrible sinking feeling that someone you love doesn't really wish you well...
Mirror Me, in my studies the validation from others is a most important part of our growth. It is innate to most species . It is about survival. . We gain our sense of self from this. We cannot exist without validation from others. It is how we learn. It is when this validation of self becomes distorted things get pretty ugly. We are basically left as prey. MM I don't know if your Mum was "disordered" but my sense is she was probably "damaged".
The beauty of human beings is they feel and embrace love. Every single one of them. (Unless they were damaged beyond repair) Trust that.
Lizzy d xx
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Feb/23/2012, 9:59 am
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Mirror Me
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Re: The horrible sinking feeling that someone you love doesn't really wish you well...
My mom is indeed damaged not disordered. I am damaged as well. The N I was involved with is both damaged and disordered as she cannot bond with others. Narcissism is a personality disorder. That is what I was referring too.
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Feb/23/2012, 12:56 pm
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Mildred H
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Re: The horrible sinking feeling that someone you love doesn't really wish you well...
lizzyd, I have to address something you said in one of your posts on this thread:
quote:
I know our mothers love us.
How could you possibly know this? If this is true for you, I am quite happy for you, but you have no way of knowing that our mothers love us. No studies of any kind could give you that knowledge, and it both insults those who know that their mothers DO NOT love them, and minimizes the abuse they've experienced. At one time, I did think the issues I experienced with mother might just be due to "normal" mother/daughter issues. But that was before I learned about personality disorders. Minimizing what someone is experiencing or has experienced because you don't understand simply does more damage. I sat with what you typed, and while I appreciate your optimism, I think it fails to acknowledge the reality of narcissism.
Women's issues doesn't explain why I was left alone as an infant for hours daily with the t.v. tuned to PBS and bottles to feed myself while mother went to work. Women's issues doesn't explain why mother left me in the care of strangers repeatedly while she did sleep in work, only seeing me on the weekends. Women's issues doesn't explain why mother would both force me to clean my plate after loading it with too much food, and put me on diets. Women's issues doesn't explain why mother acrimoniously denounces the educated, but found sponsors to help put me through private school. Women's issues doesn't explain why mother hates me and wants to be me at the same time. Narcissism does explain it all, and more than I have time or energy to type here.
Mother changes history to suit herself. She uses personal information she gleans about me to portray herself as my best friend and confidante, which she is most assuredly NOT. She seeks to manipulate me in order to get money and attention. She points out my weaknesses privately and in public in order to demean and humiliate me. One example: At Christmas she called me to help her in the kitchen, and said, "Get off your fat bottom and help me. I'm doing all the work and you're just sitting." Now, I had been talking with my daughter, and she was preparing a dish I don't know how to make. Did she need my help? No. What she did want was for me to stop paying attention to my daughter, as she felt injured by my lack of attention to her. She therefore attacked me, and tried to end the conversation between my daughter and me in one fell swoop. That's the way it is with an N mother.
Mildred
---
"I'm stronger. I'm wiser. I'm better.. so much better. I made it!"
~Never Would Have Made It~
Marvin Sapp
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Feb/24/2012, 4:52 am
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nearing60
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Re: The horrible sinking feeling that someone you love doesn't really wish you well...
Good point Mildred made with her Christmas story. Seen that many times with an N.
They insist on having "the captive audience"
VERY draining to be around this sort.
:aargh
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Feb/24/2012, 5:10 am
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TrueLove64Illusion11
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Re: The horrible sinking feeling that someone you love doesn't really wish you well...
Mildred, I agree with you 100%.
I think the hardest thing for any child or adult is, to come to the conclusion that it is possible for a mother or father not to love their child.
We all assume that it is a given that a parent would love their child but unfortunately this is not always the case.
That is why it is so important to learn to love yourself and this way you never depend on anyone else but yourself to love and nurture you.
Hugs to all
True :heart:
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Feb/24/2012, 12:48 pm
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