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LynnS Profile
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Overcoming FOO Issues: Some resources


Exploring Family of Origin issues is often a very big part of a target's recovery. We may need to learn self-compassion, overcome voicelessness learned in childhood, learn to reparent ourselves perhaps via inner child bonding in order to facilitate a better way of relating interpersonally going forward.

Below are some resources that touch on a number of these topics.

Lynn

Learning to reparent yourself: inner child bonding.

Developing self-compassion: This is key in learning to recognize bad behavior as bad. If you do not treat yourself with compassion in equal measure to those you are compassionate to, you will be struggling with boundaries.

Exploring repetition compulsion: His traits draw you and you are trying to 'fix' the relationship with parents or some other person who was instrumental in shaping your emotional landscape through fixing it with him

Voicelessness: typical of children of N's

Resources

Inner Child Bonding

There are several Inner Child Bonding sites on the net. I am particularly fond of Margaret Paul's writings on this topic. She has a site on Inner Child Bonding at [sign in to see URL]. Many of her well-written articles can also be accessed online. For example, her article entitled Healing From Childhood Abuse [url][sign in to see URL] contains the following passage on Inner Child Bonding:


quote:

Healing from childhood abuse is about developing your loving Adult self so that you can learn to treat your inner child or inner children the way you always wanted to be treated."



Several other Margaret Paul articles can be found here, at Ezine [url][sign in to see URL]

Some of the most relevant to this discussion would be:

Discerning the Loving Heart by Margaret Paul
[url][sign in to see URL]

Compassion: A Powerful Doorway to Personal Growth by Margaret Paul [url][sign in to see URL]

quote:

"What if there was one choice you could make that would change everything in your life for the better? Actually, there is. It’s the choice to move out of judgment and into compassion for yourself and others."



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Repetition Compulsion:

From Richard Grossman's website on Voicelessness:

Why Do Some People Choose One Bad Relationship After Another?
[sign in to see URL]

quote:

"If only I had been different or better--then I would have been valued," is the usual refrain. Once the old relationship is sufficiently grieved, the person immediately resumes their search for another partner/lover with the qualifications and authority to again secure him or her a "place" in the world.

Ironically, this "repetition compulsion" is hardly masochistic. Instead, it represents an ongoing attempt to heal the self, albeit one with disastrous results. The cycle repeats itself because the person knows no other way of preventing themselves from feeling tiny or immaterial."


---------------------------------------------------------------------

Other Websites of Interest:

Healing Your Inner Core Issues can be found on Bill Ferguson's Mastery of Life Website:
[sign in to see URL]

You Carry The Cure In Your Own Heart
[sign in to see URL]

The Three Elements of Self-Compassion
[sign in to see URL]

quote:

"Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism."





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"The best way out is always through."--Robert Frost
May/10/2010, 8:10 am Link to this post  
 
Echo4 Profile
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Re: Overcoming FOO Issues: Some resources


Thanks Lynn :clap:

---
A Woman's Success Depends on the Shoes She Wears~~Dorothy
May/10/2010, 1:55 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: Overcoming FOO Issues: Some resources


quote:

Affectionatedragon wrote:

 :thumbsup:
"People who have not been given "voice" in childhood have the lifelong task of repairing the "self." This is an endless construction project with major cost overruns (much like the "Big Dig" in Boston). Much of this repair work involves getting people to "hear" and experience them, for only then do they have value, "place," and a sense of importance. However, not just any audience will do. The observer and critic must be important and powerful, or else they will hold no sway in the world. Who are the most important and powerful people to a child? Parents. Who must a person pick as audience to help rebuild the self? People as powerful as parents. Who, typically, is more than willing to play the role of power broker in a relationship, doling out "voice" only insofar as it suits him/her? A narcissist, "voice hog," or otherwise oblivious and neglectful person.

And so it goes. The person goes in the relationship with the hope or dream of establishing their place with a narcissistic partner, only to find themselves emotionally battered once again. These are not "oedipal" choices--people are not choosing their father or mother. They are picking people they perceive powerful enough to validate their existence."



Wow - that is sooooo sad and soooooo true. As a child, I was always on eggshells lest I should express an opinion that wasn't what my mother wanted to hear.
May/14/2010, 12:34 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: Overcoming FOO Issues: Some resources


What a fantastic thread!

Thanks, Lynn, for it!

Thanks to AD too for your thoughtful addition to Lynn's wisdom.

Hugs,
Had
May/14/2010, 5:02 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: Overcoming FOO Issues: Some resources


that's great Lynn thanks. I am doing some core work in therapy right now, and for some reason, this is the first time I have been able to hear the messages that reside in me emoticon It's kind of sad, that at 47yo, I was not able to connect with them prior to this age, but only reacted to them.

My therapist is great.

I am now 'learning'/trying to sit with myself to hear what exactly is going on inside... what is being said behind my anxiety and behind my sometimes wrenched gut. It's amazing to me that all this time I was just running from it, not realizing that I needed to maybe listen to it... but it is so scary.

I really connected with what you posted, thanks.
May/14/2010, 9:36 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: Overcoming FOO Issues: Some resources


Bump :heart:

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"The best way out is always through."--Robert Frost
May/28/2010, 8:52 am Link to this post  
 
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Re: Overcoming FOO Issues: Some resources


Thanks for this thread.

Just what I need right now.
May/28/2010, 9:47 am Link to this post  
 
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Re: Overcoming FOO Issues: Some resources


Thanks Lynn... emoticon
May/29/2010, 6:28 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: Overcoming FOO Issues: Some resources


Bumpemoticon
Jul/22/2010, 6:40 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: Overcoming FOO Issues: Some resources


since we have been talking about foo issues today...
Jul/24/2010, 2:11 pm Link to this post  
 
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