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Registered: 10-2008
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Being Resilient: Donkeyskin


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The True Sweetheart : This illustration came from: Grimm, Jacob and Wilhelm. Little Brother and Little Sister and Other Tales By the Brothers Grimm. Arthur Rackham, illustrator. London: Constable & Company Ltd, 1917 and can be found at [sign in to see URL]

Excerpt from 'Donkeyskin'
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"The poor girl, seeing no escape from the fate she dreaded, wept afresh, and tore her hair; when, suddenly, the fairy stood before her.

‘Take heart,’ she said, ‘all will now go well! Wrap yourself in this skin, and leave the palace and go as far as you can. I will look after you. Your dresses and your jewels shall follow you underground, and if you strike the earth whenever you need anything, you will have it at once. But go quickly: you have no time to lose.’ So the princess clothed herself in the ass’s skin, and slipped from the palace without being seen by anyone.

"One day she was sitting on the banks of a stream bewailing her wretched lot, when she suddenly caught sight of herself in the water. Her hair and part of her face was quite concealed by the ass’s head, which was drawn right over like a hood, and the filthy matted skin covered her whole body. It was the first time she had seen herself as other people saw her, and she was filled with shame at the spectacle. Then she threw off her disguise and jumped into the water, plunging in again and again, till she shone like ivory. When it was time to go back to the farm, she was forced to put on the skin which disguised her, and now seemed more dirty than ever; but, as she did so, she comforted herself with the thought that to-morrow was a holiday, and that she would be able for a few hours to forget that she was a farm girl, and be a princess once more. So, at break of day, she stamped on the ground, as the fairy had told her, and instantly the dress like the sky lay across her tiny bed. Her room was so small that there was no place for the train of her dress to spread itself out, but she pinned it up carefully when she combed her beautiful hair and piled it up on the top of her head, as she had always worn it. When she had done, she was so pleased with herself that she determined never to let a chance pass of putting on her splendid clothes, even if she had to wear them in the fields, with no one to admire her but the sheep and turkeys."



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Annotated Notes about 'Donkeyskin' from Surlalune Fairy Tales, written by Heidi Ann Heiner.
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quote:

Princess clothed herself in the ass’s skin: Marina Warner considers the skin one of shame, but "the pathetic degradation of her condition contains a kind of Christian grace of humility, forbearance and lack of vanity" (Warner 1994). Donkeyskin's patient bearing of this burden is ultimately rewarded with her return to status and a suitable marriage.



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Loss, Trauma, and Resilience

The princess in Donkeyskin suffered through many trials, being degraded and reviled on her journey back to her true self. Through it all she indeed displayed 'humility, forbearance and a lack of vanity', doing what she needed to do when she had to do so regardless of how she appeared, all the while retaining her essence, that of a Princess.

It is not always easy to accept our personal situation with such grace. In recovering from a relationship with a Narcissist, a survivor may experience shame, a crisis of confidence, and loss of hope. Bouncing back from this devastation is further complicated by the nature of the loss. It can be termed an 'ambiguous loss' since there is usually a lack of closure associated with it which prolongs the recovery process. Pauline Boss has written several books on this type of loss, stressing the importance of acceptance of the loss as an ambiguous one. Instead of focusing on closure in ambiguous loss situations, she focuses on the importance of resilence in recovery.

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On Ambiguous Loss

quote:

"With ambiguous loss, there is no closure. The challenge is to learn how to live with the ambiguity." Pauline Boss, author of Loss, Trauma, and Resilience [sign in to see URL]



Excerpts from Pauline Boss's Ambiguous Loss Website:
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quote:

"An ambiguous loss is one in which some critical element is missing, making customary rituals impossible, and impeding typical behaviors. Some ambiguous losses are due to physical absence and others are due to psychological absence."

"...people need guidance in order to see their losses as ambiguous, resist social pressures to “get over” the loss, and develop resilience based on personal strengths and family and community support."--



The six guidelines for resiliency while having to live with ambiguous loss are detailed in, "Loss, Trauma, and Resilience". As described in Dr. Boss's cyclical model, they are:


Finding Meaning
Tempering Mastery
Reconstructing Identity
Normalizing Ambivalence
Revising Attachment
Discovering Hope


---
"The best way out is always through."--Robert Frost
Oct/29/2008, 6:15 pm Link to this post  
 
LynnS Profile
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Re: Being Resilient: Donkeyskin


On Being Resilient

So, how do we build our resilience? The American Psychological Association offers the following:

From: The Road to Resilience
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quote:

"Resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or even significant sources of stress -- such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems, or workplace and financial stressors. It means "bouncing back" from difficult experiences."

"Resilience is not a trait that people either have or do not have. It involves behaviors, thoughts, and actions that can be learned and developed in anyone."



10 Ways to Build Your Resilience
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quote:

"Perseverance and trust in your ability to work your way around boulders and other obstacles are important. You can gain courage and insight by successfully navigating your way through white water. Trusted companions who accompany you on the journey can be especially helpful for dealing with rapids, upstream currents, and other difficult stretches of the river. You can climb out to rest alongside the river. But to get to the end of your journey, you need to get back in the raft and continue."



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Additional information from the Mayo Clinic website:

From: Resilience: Build skills to endure hardship
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quote:

"People who are more resilient have the ability to say to themselves, "OK, this bad thing happened, and I can either dwell on it or I can learn from it," explains Edward Creagan, M.D., an oncologist at Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn."



Check your resilience quotient
Do you consider yourself resilient or not resilient? Or maybe you fall somewhere in between?

People with resilience tend to possess certain characteristics. Use this chart to help get a general idea of how resilient you are. The statements on the left are characteristics of people who are resilient. Put a check mark next to each characteristic you agree that you have.

Characteristics of resilient people
Check each statement with which you agree


1. I'm able to adapt to change easily.
2. I feel in control of my life.
3. I tend to bounce back after a hardship or illness.
4. I have close, dependable relationships.
5. I remain optimistic and don't give up, even if things seem hopeless.
6. I can think clearly and logically under pressure.
7. I see the humor in situations, even under stress.
8. I am self-confident and feel strong as a person.
9. I believe things happen for a reason.
10. I can handle uncertainty or unpleasant feelings.
11. I know where to turn for help.
12. I like challenges and feel comfortable taking the lead.

Do you have few check marks or many? Think about the ones that you left blank. You may want to focus on developing resilience skills in those areas.

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Test: How Resilient Are You? From Discovery Health
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Quotes on Resiliency

quote:

"Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do."
John Wooden
 
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within
us."
Ralph Waldo Emerson
 
"Never, never, never, never give up."
Sir Winston Churchill
 
"In the midst of winter,
I finally learned
there was in me
an invincible summer."
Albert Camus
 
"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."
Franklin D. Roosevelt
 
"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within."
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
 
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."
Confucius




---
"The best way out is always through."--Robert Frost
Oct/29/2008, 6:29 pm Link to this post  
 




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