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Elaine124 Profile
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Re: The Zero Sum Game of the Narcissist....


"DROP THE ROPE"... this is sticking with me Lynn... that visual is really really helpful! Thank you.. :flower:
Jun/16/2011, 9:05 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: The Zero Sum Game of the Narcissist....


 :flower: Hi, flumuxed.

quote:

With the ex-friend, I narcissistically injured her without my knowing and without intention, and she made me pay the price for it.



The N injury is often something you have done without knowing and without intention. Heck, it can be as simple as you being who you are, I think. If it threatens them in any way, they're injured. You are well rid of both of them, and you're doing really well.

 :flower: Aussigirl, it's really common for sex and money to both be the objects of the N's scorekeeping. These things are both evidence to them of their power and worth. They often twist both of them into some evidence of or equivalent to "love", i.e. "If you really loved me, you'd let me have what I want."

 :flower: Hey there, T. "Whack" is a perfect term. There is usually no real basis for their injuries, at least not any normal basis. Heck, I think sometimes that if you breathe, you injure them.

 :flower: Hello, dear Nearing. You brought up something really important to remember in your post:

quote:

They are highly competitive people and looking in a paranoid fashion for any perceived slight done to them.



You cannot underestimate the Narcissist's paranoia. They are constantly on the lookout for slights. These slights are most often only perceived, so it's best that a target not spend a lot of time wondering what they've done to cause the N to devalue. It comes, exactly as you said, from their underlying rage. That rage is simply looking for a host.

 :flower: It's nice to see you, Willow.

quote:

And for those of you who are asking, "can't I just be friends with this N?" Uhhhh... no, you can't. Cut your losses. You will just be subjected to worse and worse treatment, with a lot of pathetic, self-serving rationalizations from the N.



Yes, exactly. There is no halfway with a narcissist. It's all or nothing. Once you are in the detractor camp, you're there.

 :flower: GoWest, I hope the N has moved on to other targets, too. They usually come back trolling for supply if there isn't any other supply readily available. I think you just have to be certain of how you will react if he does.

 :flower: ((Had)) It's very difficult to stand up to someone like your manager because of fear of repercussions (which with an N have no particular limits), but I'm sure there are already repercussions of which you may not even be aware. Your very presence likely threatens her. They know when someone is not on their page, when someone doesn't buy their game. That spells NI and it makes you a lightning rod for her rage. But it's not you. You've done nothing except be who you are. If that's an issue, it's her issue. It's not unusual to find out that the smear campaign has been going on for a long time, especially in a workplace situation with a narcissist. I'm so glad you did what felt right to you. That takes courage. You can handle whatever fallout might occur. Even if she makes an effort to get rid of you, you will land on your feet. I know you will. She cannot destroy you. She only wants to think she can.

 :flower: Elaine, he was right to think he couldn't "Conquer You." He didn't and he won't.


 :heart: :heart: :heart: to all.



Lynn

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"The best way out is always through."--Robert Frost
Jun/17/2011, 9:06 am Link to this post  
 
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Re: The Zero Sum Game of the Narcissist....


I used to tell Nmonster that he was the king of making a mountain out of a molehill, that he was always on the look out for real or just perceived threats or injuries. He wasn't a reactor, he was an OVERreactor. The punishment (and he was also into teaching lessons--I always needed to learn my lesson) never fit the crime. Then he would say that I lived in a bubble, not in the real world. He had been in prison for a check kiting scheme with several banks and would always talk about respect in prison--that it would do me well to learn respect the way they mete it out in prison. I would tell him it would do him well to learn how to live OUT of prison. The joke's on him--back to prison he goes.
T

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They'll tell us who they are--if we'll listen.
Jun/17/2011, 9:30 am Link to this post  
 
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Re: The Zero Sum Game of the Narcissist....


quote:

LynnS wrote:
At this point he may either fly into a full-fledged, out of control rage which you absolutely do not want to be present for, or the abuse may be covert. He may start a deliberate attack on your self-worth in an attempt to undermine you. He may say nasty things publicly either in your presence or in the form of a smear campaign.



I don't miss the rage, it was ugly and downright scary. The very air used to be so thick with anger you could almost reach out and touch it, right before one of his episodes too. It would be over the dumbest of things as well, it's a wonder I even remembered how to tie my own shoes by the time he left.

---
"Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity." Mark Twain
Jun/17/2011, 4:39 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: The Zero Sum Game of the Narcissist....


Thank you so much Lynn for your wise and kind words and support. I am sure you are right about the smear campaign and everything else.

I have given her a big NI because the boss came and spoke with her behind closed doors for 2 hours today. She glard at me all afternoon and then told me that I had "bothered" the boss with my petty timeclock problems. I did not answer. The line has been drawn, and I need to beat the pavement to find a new job. My patients love me as do my other coworkers. I wish we could find a way to get rid of her at the office. She cons the boss though and he seems to think she is great. I am sure she is lying to him. She lies about everything else.

Hugs,
Had
Jun/17/2011, 5:45 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: The Zero Sum Game of the Narcissist....


Thank you so much Lynn for your wise and kind words and support. I am sure you are right about the smear campaign and everything else.

I have given her a big NI because the boss came and spoke with her behind closed doors for 2 hours today. She glared at me all afternoon and then told me that I had "bothered" the boss with my petty timeclock problems. I did not answer. The line has been drawn, and I need to beat the pavement to find a new job. My patients love me as do my other coworkers. I wish we could find a way to get rid of her at the office. She cons the boss though and he seems to think she is great. I am sure she is lying to him. She lies about everything else.

Hugs,
Had

Last edited by Had Enough9, Jun/17/2011, 7:42 pm
Jun/17/2011, 5:45 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: The Zero Sum Game of the Narcissist....


Lynn,

I always learn so much from your posts. Thank you.

My N kept score. I told her "let's not keep score", but it was impossible for her not too.

I find it interesting that even knowing what I know from this board, from my psychiatrist, and what I have seen with my own eyes I still miss her. I don't get it. She pursued me heavily when I was partnered. Showed no respect for my family by pursuing me, yet she takes no responsibility for her actions. I held her accountable knowing she would D and D me, but only because I could not drop the rope. Even now I would pick it up. Nine months out NC. I am working on self-love, self-worth. I see the FOO issues clearly. What I don't see is why "getting her" matters so much to me. It is like the pearl of great price in the bible, I am ready to forgo everything to get her. It is messed up. Is it because I engineered my own discard and I didn't get the full brunt of her wrath? She has so many bad qualities. She isn't a nice person, but I want her. It is depressing to me. Thanks for listening everyone.
Jun/18/2011, 9:40 am Link to this post  
 
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Re: The Zero Sum Game of the Narcissist....


Mirror Me,

I think the more self worth you "get" the less you will miss her. Speaking from my own experience, I knew I didn't deserve to be treated like crap, but it was the matter of truly believing it to my core that held me back. It just takes time.

---
"Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity." Mark Twain
Jun/18/2011, 10:00 am Link to this post  
 
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Re: The Zero Sum Game of the Narcissist....


quote:

Mirror Me wrote:

I find it interesting that even knowing what I know from this board, from my psychiatrist, and what I have seen with my own eyes I still miss her. I don't get it. She pursued me heavily when I was partnered. Showed no respect for my family by pursuing me, yet she takes no responsibility for her actions. I held her accountable knowing she would D and D me, but only because I could not drop the rope. Even now I would pick it up. Nine months out NC. I am working on self-love, self-worth. I see the FOO issues clearly. What I don't see is why "getting her" matters so much to me. It is like the pearl of great price in the bible, I am ready to forgo everything to get her. It is messed up. Is it because I engineered my own discard and I didn't get the full brunt of her wrath? She has so many bad qualities. She isn't a nice person, but I want her. It is depressing to me. Thanks for listening everyone.



Mirror Me, I understand perfectly what you are going through, and I struggle with this too. I am sure that my own difficulty in letting go of the demon masquerading as a human in my life is my own fear of abandonment and fear of being alone. That fear is so strong, even the toxic N provides some relief from the pain.

I know I have to just keep on keepin' on, and eventually healing will come. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.
Jun/18/2011, 1:54 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: The Zero Sum Game of the Narcissist....


 emoticon

---
"Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity." Mark Twain
Mar/13/2012, 8:47 am Link to this post  
 
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