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itiskimbo Profile
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Re: From the archives: "Ten Steps Out"


Busy Living:

quote:

God only knows how I got myself into this hell, but I can tell everyone here, that as time passes and I get more distance, I see that it metaphorically disfigured me. In it, my "me," for all intents and purposes, disappeared and "he" replaced me. I was absent from my own life. I abandoned, not only me, but everyone else around me. And that's a crime almost as bad as his abandonment and abuse of me and those around him in his relentless pursuit of supply.



How well you put it "God only knows how we got outselves into this hell."

We became them in order to survive and lost ourselves. I lost every contact I knew. Partially because I did not want to tell them how awful my life was and because he was my focus especially during the eggshell days.

Rebuilding my life was hard but I learned never again will I ever lose myself for anyone.

Good luck to you. Kimbo
May/10/2009, 4:10 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: From the archives: "Ten Steps Out"


quote:

Rebuilding my life was hard but I learned never again will I ever lose myself for anyone.



Kimbo,

One of the gifts I've received since the N moved out, is the ability to parent my two teenagers as "ME."

ME!

Me, myself and I! When he was here, he would criticize every parenting decision I made. He didn't parent, mind you. Oh no, he was way too busy for that! He just pointed out my shortcomings and demeaned me in front of my children.

Now, thank God, I do it my way with no critic in the wings. One of the things I most feared was raising my kids as a single parent. After years of his relentless demeaning remarks, I figured they were doomed under my watch. Guess [sign in to see URL] far, we are making it just fine.

Loneliness, another huge fear I had. Again, what could be lonelier than wondering when or IF your husband is coming home after work. Day after day after day. Or wondering whose bed he's shared before coming back to yours.

For twenty years, I did not know that there are things worse than abandonment by a Narcissist.

Abandoning yourself -- not that's worth another thread.

BL

Last edited by BusyLiving2008, May/10/2009, 4:32 pm
May/10/2009, 4:28 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: From


thank you so much lynn for i feel borderline since i met [sign in to see URL] on the times we broke up after 3 months into it i felt myself again. then he hoovered back and the cycle repeats. i loved this post. thank you so much. these types of posts are so powerful and helpful during recovery and NC. thanks.
Jan/5/2010, 5:01 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: From the


i never felt lonely until the [sign in to see URL]. i was never lonley even after my divorce for i still had my hobbies and friends. i gave up all that with the N and then when it was over i couldn't rem what i had. also i remember once sleeping over at the N's and couldn't sleep because i felt this "i am so lonely feeling that i cried myself to sleep next to him." so WHY should i be scared to be without him now---i was [sign in to see URL] now i am alone but i am with a great friend----------------ME!
Jan/5/2010, 5:05 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: From the archives: "Ten Steps Out"


Thank you [sign in to see URL] is really great. I'm a little confused, because the N message, the P message, the borderline message AND the passive aggressive message all sound like exn. The first one that surfaced in our relationship was the passive aggressive, but the strongest and most prevalent was the N. I'm pretty sure that's what he was, with a touch of the others. He was very borderline, too.

I definitely reacted like a borderline, at the time. I would have done anything to show him, to try to get him to love me.

Now, I can't see trying to earn someone's love who doesn't already like and love me. I know now, that if someone isn't capable of feeling those things for me, they're a lost cause! I'm never getting into that trap again.

~Nikita xoxox

---
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.

~Maya Angelou
Jan/5/2010, 7:10 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: From the archives: "Ten Steps Out"


Lynn thank you for posting this.

AD-thanks for the bump!!

I was well off on my recovery for a while [sign in to see URL] now and then something triggers me to fall back, so you see me comming and going from the forum time to time. One thing that I didnt understand is why I acted the way I did with [sign in to see URL] this now I totally acted Borderline [sign in to see URL] description: That was me word for word!!! I have never acted this way with any other man in my life besides xn and I couldnt figure out [sign in to see URL] this post has answered so many questions for my own behavior.

Thank you!! :flower: :heart:
Jan/5/2010, 7:22 pm Link to this post  
 
LynnS Profile
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Re: From the archives: "Ten Steps Out"


I'm always happy to see this post referenced. It's always been one of my favorites, too.

Hugs to all,
Lynn

---
"The best way out is always through."--Robert Frost
Jan/5/2010, 8:43 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: From the archives: "Ten Steps Out"


Lynn,
Thanks so sooooo much for posting this..
I sat in amazement-----the way the reading described things I could never put into words...

" In living with an N, we are going to feel very alone. I think that is the predominant feeling of being in an N relationship. Why? Because we are alone;"

I so remember the day I caught stbxnh with his 22 year old g/frnd (we had just "celebrated our
25 year marriage anniversary 6 weeks before)---I ended my life as I knew it that day... My counselor saw me just a few hours later and I was so distraught, shaking, couldn't stop crying, and repeating the same questions: Why did this have to happen, why wasn't I good enough, how could he, [sign in to see URL]...
She asked me "Amora, what is it that you fear the very most?".....I sat there quivering, feeling like I was going to lose my mind, sobbing and I said...."OMG, I'm so afraid of being alone"...... And, I recall her words to this day "Amora, I have seen both you and him-----and the reality is you have been alone for many years, you sleep alone at night (he worked graveyard, and on his days off still slept during the day), you had the children and their friends always, you worked fulltime, you paid the bills because he would not help you other than give you the money to do so, and you have described how even when you go out together you always felt like he wasn't there----"

And, now I am on my own, my own home, my own job, my family and friends back in my [sign in to see URL], I am no longer lonely...

[sign in to see URL] really hit home....
Thanks again...
Jan/5/2010, 10:07 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: From the archives: "Ten Steps Out"


Thank you so much. This is wonderful. On one hand it is remarkable, absolutely amazing, that our experiences are all so similar. It's comforting to know that I am not alone, nor is anyone else here. This is really good. Thank you.
Jan/7/2010, 8:08 am Link to this post  
 
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Re: From the archives: "Ten Steps Out"


I too want to say that this post has saved me. I have been dealing with a situation since NPD man (who is now a distant memory) with the next relationship that has gone on these past 4 years in various forms. I have been tied up in knots since it ended in October 2008 and never ever got to the bottom of what it was I was dealing with. Passive [sign in to see URL] about says it all. It mirrors my experience with my son's father who I broke up with years ago and I now know why I have virtually been driven insane with this man. That he used the police to avoid talking, negotiating and listening says it all to me. The light has only just been switched on by reading this post and I am so grateful. WHY he is angry with me I have no effing idea. But it is his anger and he had me walking on eggshells just like the N and just like my son's father. 25 years and 3 similar [sign in to see URL] that says about me and whether I can ever trust anyone again I have no idea. Right now I don't feel I can trust anyone or more to the [sign in to see URL]'t trust myself. It is my mother and my brother too. My brother has had this seething resentment for me for years too and when I got so depressed I didn't want to carry on in November ...he told me to pull myself together. I told him to eff off. Best thing I did. He was sort of kind over New Year. Nothing [sign in to see URL] seemed a bit better and I felt more powerful because his opinion of me matters not a jot. I HAVE to get to the point where people's opinion of me doesn't matter. I don't quite know how I am going to get there. I have times when it works then I fall for this type and their opinion matters too much. I have pretty much told my recent [sign in to see URL] has won and he can eff off. So that's progress. Haven't had the courage till now. But this post helped me do it. Understanding PA has saved me and everything has finally fallen into place. Its debilating, being on the receiving end of it. But I guess that's the point. I have knowledge now and I hope I recognise this in the future as surely as I recognise Ntraits. Thanks for posting Lynn.

Last edited by Scarlet53, Jan/7/2010, 1:38 pm
Jan/7/2010, 1:35 pm Link to this post  
 
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