Runboard.com
You're welcome.
Are you walking on eggshells with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?
Welcome to our Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Psychopath Survivors Group.
A Learning, Resource and Support Forum.

runboard.com       Sign up (learn about it) | Sign in (lost password?)


 
samvaknin Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info

Registered user
Global user

Registered: 11-2008
Posts: 3756
Karma: 32 (+32/-0)
Reply | Quote
Narcissist Hates to be Loved


[sign in to see URL]

Narcissist Hates to be Loved



By Sam Vaknin
Author of "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited"


The narcissist hates to be loved because he hates women (is a misogynist); because he fears intimacy (which would render him less unique and less mysterious); and because he cannot believe that an intelligent, perceptive mate would find him loveable.

The BIBLE of NARCISSISM Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited in Barnes and Noble now COSTS USD $36 instead of USD $55!!! CLICK ON THIS LINK TO PURCHASE THE PRINT EDITION [url][sign in to see URL]
(Or, click on this link - [sign in to see URL] - and search for "Sam Vaknin" or "Malignant Self Love").


Question:


Why do narcissists react with rage to gestures or statements of love?


Answer:


Nothing is more hated by the narcissist than the sentence "I Love You". It evokes in him almost primordial reactions. It provokes him to uncontrollable rage. Why is that?


a. The narcissist hates women virulently and vehemently. A misogynist, he identifies being loved with being possessed, encroached upon, shackled, transformed, reduced, exploited, weakened, engulfed, digested and excreted. To him love is a dangerous pursuit. When a woman tries to pick up a narcissist, flirt with him, or court him, he is likely to react by subjecting her to humiliating and cool disdain (if a cerebral) or by dumping her after having sex with her (if a somatic). In both cases the abusive message is: you have no power over me because I am unique, omnipotent, not your typical run-of-the-mill sap; you are nothing to me but a pitiful parasite or an object to be violated. Your very approach and attempt to seduce me is proof of your imbecility, blindness, or maliciousness for how could you not have noticed that I am different and superior?


b. Being loved means being known intimately. The narcissist likes to think that he is so unique and deep that he can never be fathomed. The narcissist believes that he is above mere human understanding and empathy, that he is one of a kind (sui generis). To say to him "I love you", means to negate this feeling, to try to drag him to the lowest common denominator, to threaten his sense of uniqueness. After all, everyone is capable of loving and everyone, even the basest human beings, fall in love. To the narcissist loving is an animalistic and pathological behaviour – exactly like sex.


c. The narcissist knows that he is a con artist, a fraud, an elaborate hoax, a script, hollow and really non-existent. The person who claims to love him is either lying (what is there to love in a narcissist?), or a self-deceiving, clinging, and immature codependent. The narcissist cannot tolerate the thought that he has chosen a liar or an idiot for a mate. Indirectly, her declaration of love is a devastating critique of the narcissist's own powers of judgement.


The narcissist hates love – however and wherever it is manifested.

NEW e-BOOK How to Divorce a Narcissist or a Psychopath - Click on this link now: [url][sign in to see URL]

New eBook! How to Cope with Narcissistic and Psychopathic Abusers and Stalkers - Click on this link now: [url][sign in to see URL]


Thus, for instance, when his spouse demonstrates her love to their children, he wishes them all ill. He is so pathologically envious of his spouse that he wishes she never existed. Being a tad paranoid, he also nurtures the growing conviction that she is showing love to her children demonstrably and on purpose, to remind him how miserable he is, how deficient, how deprived and discriminated against.


He regards her interaction with their children to be a provocation, an assault on his emotional welfare and balance. Seething envy, boiling rage and violent thoughts form the flammable concoction in the narcissist's mind whenever he sees other people happy.


Many people naively believe that they can cure the narcissist by engulfing him with love, acceptance, compassion and empathy. This is not so. The only time a transformative healing process occurs is when the narcissist experiences a severe narcissistic injury, a life crisis.


Forced to shed his malfunctioning defences, an ephemeral window of vulnerability is formed through which therapeutic intervention can try and sneak in.


The narcissist is susceptible to treatment only when his defences are down because they had failed to secure a steady stream of Narcissistic Supply. The narcissist's therapy aims to wean him off Narcissistic Supply.


But the narcissist perceives other people's love and compassion as forms of Narcissistic Supply!


It is a lose-lose proposition:


If therapy is successful and the narcissist is rid of his addiction to narcissistic supply - he is rendered incapable of giving and receiving love, which he regards as a variety of said supply.


The roles of Narcissistic Supply should be clearly distinguished from those of an emotional bond (such as love), though.


Narcissistic Supply has to do with the functioning of the narcissist's primitive defence mechanisms. The emotional component in the narcissist's psyche is repressed, dysfunctional, and deformed. It is subconscious - the narcissist is not aware of his own emotions and is out of touch with his feelings.


The narcissist pursues Narcissistic Supply as a junkie seeks drugs. Junkies can forms emotional "bonds" but these are always subordinate to their habit. Their emotional interactions are the victims of their habits, as their children and spouses can attest.


It is impossible to have any real, meaningful, or lasting emotional relationship with the narcissist until his primitive defence mechanisms crumble and are discarded. Dysfunctional interpersonal relationships are one of the hallmarks of other personality disorders aswell.


To help the narcissist:


1. Cut him from his Sources of Supply and thus precipitate a narcissistic crisis or injury;


2. Use this window of opportunity and convince the narcissist to attend structured therapy in order to help him mature emotionally;


3. Encourage him in his emotional, self-forming baby steps.




---
Encyclopedia of Narcissism and Psychopathy

http://samvak.tripod.com/siteindex.html

Buy 16 books and video lectures on 3 DVDs about narcissists, psychopaths, and abusive relationships

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/thebook.html
Aug/23/2012, 4:24 am Link to this post  
 
samvaknin Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info

Registered user
Global user

Registered: 11-2008
Posts: 3756
Karma: 32 (+32/-0)
Reply | Quote
Re: Narcissist Hates to be Loved


"Emotional" liaisons which co-exist with the narcissist's narcissistic defence mechanisms are part of the narcissistic theatrical repertoire, fake and doomed. The narcissist's defence mechanisms render him a serial monogamist or a non-committal playboy.


The narcissist is unlikely to get rid of his defence mechanisms on his own. He does not employ them because he needs them – but because he knows no different. They proved useful in his infancy. They were adaptive in an abusive environment. Old tricks and old habits die hard.

Abused? Stalked? Harassed? Victimized? Afraid? Confused? Need HELP? DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! You OWE IT to yourself and to YOUR LOVED ONES! Save $63!!! BUY SIXTEEN e-books about toxic relationships with narcissists and psychopaths - for the PRICE OF A SINGLE PRINT BOOK! Click on this link:

[sign in to see URL]


The narcissist has a disorganised personality [Kernberg]. He may improve and emotionally mature in order to avoid the pain of certain or recurrent narcissistic injuries.
When narcissists do come to therapy, it is to try and alleviate some of what has become an intolerable pain. None of them goes to therapy because he wants to better interact with others. Love is important – but to fully enjoy its emotional benefits, first the narcissist must heal.


Personal Angle


If I had to distil my quotidian existence in two pithy sentences, I would say: I love to be hated and I hate to be loved.


Hate is the complement of fear and I like being feared. It imbues me with an intoxicating sensation of omnipotence. I am veritably inebriated by the looks of horror or repulsion on people's faces. They know that I am capable of anything. Godlike, I am ruthless and devoid of scruples, capricious and unfathomable, emotion-less and asexual, omniscient, omnipotent and omni-present, a plague, a devastation, an inescapable verdict. I nurture my ill-repute, stoking it and fanning the flames of gossip. It is an enduring asset.


Hate and fear are sure generators of attention. It is all about Narcissistic Supply, of course - the drug which we, the narcissists consume and which consumes us in return. So, attack sadistically authority figures, institutions, my hosts and I make sure they know about my eruptions.


I purvey only the truth and nothing but the truth - but I tell it bluntly told in an orgy of evocative baroque English.


The blind rage that this induces in the targets of my vitriolic diatribes provokes in me a surge of satisfaction and inner tranquillity not obtainable by any other means. I like to think about their pain, of course - but that is the lesser part of the equation.


It is my horrid future and inescapable punishment that carries the irresistible appeal. Like some strain of alien virus, it infects my better judgement and I succumb.


In general, my weapon is the truth and human propensity to avoid it. In tactless breaching of every etiquette, I chastise and berate and snub and offer vitriolic opprobrium. A self-proclaimed Jeremiah, I hector and harangue from my many self-made pulpits. I understand the prophets. I understand Torquemada.

Purchase 3 DVDs with 16 hours of video lectures on narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships - click on this link: [sign in to see URL]

Save 73$! Purchase the 3 DVDs (16 hours of video lectures) + The Narcissism, Psychopathy and Abuse in Relationships Series of SIXTEEN e-BOOKS - click on this link:

[sign in to see URL]

Purchase the 3 DVDs (16 hours of video lectures) + the print book "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" (eighth print edition) - click on this link:

[sign in to see URL]


I bask in the incomparable pleasure of being RIGHT. I derive my grandiose superiority from the contrast between my righteousness and the humanness of others.


But it is not that simple. It never is with narcissists. Fostering public revolt and the inevitable ensuing social sanctions fulfils two other psychodynamic goals.


The first one I alluded to. It is the burning desire - nay, NEED - to be punished.


In the grotesque mind of the narcissist, his punishment is equally his vindication.


By being permanently on trial, the narcissist claims high moral ground and the position of the martyr: misunderstood, discriminated against, unjustly roughed, outcast by his very towering genius or other outstanding qualities. To conform to the cultural stereotype of the "tormented artist" - the narcissist provokes his own suffering. He is thus validated.
His grandiose fantasies acquire a modicum of substance. "If I were not so special - they wouldn't have persecuted me so."


The persecution of the narcissist IS his uniqueness. He must be different, for better or for worse. The streak of paranoia embedded in him, makes the outcome inevitable. He is in constant conflict with lesser beings: his spouse, his shrink, his boss, his colleagues. Forced to stoop to their intellectual level, the narcissist feels like Gulliver: a giant strapped by Lilliputians. His life is a constant struggle against the self-contented mediocrity of his surroundings. This is his fate which he accepts, though never stoically. It is a calling, a mission and a recurrence in his stormy life.


Deeper still, the narcissist has an image of himself as a worthless, bad and dysfunctional extension of others. In constant need of Narcissistic Supply, he feels humiliated. The contrast between his cosmic fantasies and the reality of his dependence, neediness and, often, failure (the "Grandiosity Gap") is an emotionally harrowing experience. It is a constant background noise of devilish, demeaning laughter. The voices say: "You are a fraud", "You are a zero", "You deserve nothing", "If only they knew how worthless you are".


The narcissist attempts to silence these tormenting voices not by fighting them but by agreeing with them. Unconsciously - sometimes consciously - he says to them: "I do agree with you. I am bad and worthless and deserving of the most severe punishment for my rotten character, bad habits, addiction and the constant fraud that is my life. I will go out and seek my doom. Now that I have complied - will you leave me be? Will you leave me alone"?


Of course, they never do.

---
Encyclopedia of Narcissism and Psychopathy

http://samvak.tripod.com/siteindex.html

Buy 16 books and video lectures on 3 DVDs about narcissists, psychopaths, and abusive relationships

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/thebook.html
Aug/23/2012, 4:25 am Link to this post  
 


Add a reply





You are not logged in (login)
http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/t24062