She Fies Free
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Thank you to the little voice inside my head that adamantly proclaimed, “No!” when my abuser’s flying monkey told me to destroy damning evidence of his most traumatic act of abuse. With out you little voice, I may not have that evidence at all.
Thank you again to that same voice for all of your cognitive dissonance throughout the years. Thank you for believing in me when I didn’t even believe in myself.
I shall name you The Protector.
You were always there trying to protect me even more fiercely than I tried to drown you out in my confusion.
I will do my best to listen to you now.
I will forgive myself for the times that I didn’t listen to you because I know that is what you want. You have always truly loved me.
Whenever I would fight back in anger to the injustices I experienced, it was YOU leading the way and guiding my words.
It was YOU that pointed out to me on occasion after occasion, “This is not right!” This was especially true when I was then accused of the very crimes perpetrated against me.
Whenever I would wrongly accept all of the blame and responsibility for anything negative, it was YOU who pointed out to me how unrealistic and unlikely that scenario truly could be.
It was you that kept me alive even in my darkest hours.
You told me that I deserved better. That this treatment was wrong and that I deserved to be happy and treated with love, respect and dignity. That I had a right to have impact and be heard.
When I felt my ugliest inside and out, you told me I was full of beauty. When I felt crazy, you pointed out my abuser’s hypocrisy.
It was you who told me long before it was all said and done to research Narcissistic and Psychological abuse online.
Even in the beginning it was you that loudly told me that the way he was trying to triangulate me with other women and the way he verbally and electronically abused his ex-wife was not okay.
The more I listened to you and spoke out to him about these abusive actions, the more I was punished with insults and soul crushing silence. So I began to do the unthinkable and treat you the same way.
I criticized and ignored you. However, that didn’t’ stop you from loving me or trying to protect me.
You still stayed and whispered your truths like, “The happy you is the real you.” It is not a manufactured fake persona as he claimed it to be.
You knew that his “sickness” was not real and was just an excuse for his continued misconduct, devaluation and rejection of me. You knew his sickness would disappear the moment I did and he would miraculously heal with the ability to go idealize others.
You knew he was keeping his old sources of supply on the sidelines as a back up and as soon as I was gone he would return to hoover them up.
You saw him for the snake he was, writhing, slithering and twisting anything to fit his deluded narrative.
You even witnessed him idealize, devalue and discard God himself and you told me to be afraid.
You were disgusted at the way in which he got off to manipulating others.
You told me to hold on to my truths when he would try to deny his abusive actions ever occurred and rewrite my memories and perception of reality.
You screamed at me in righteous anger when he would put all of the troubles of the relationship on my shoulders.
Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for fighting for goodness, empathy and compassion.
Thank you for taking the charge now and leading the way on my own self-discovery. I cannot promise I will always be able to listen or that the voices of those who aim to harm me will never dampen your voice again, but I can commit to doing my best. I can commit to trying to discern you voice and believe it.
Thank you for protecting me still. Thank you for helping me to look beyond my fear and to have the most incredible thing in the world, something he will never have…hope of a brighter future.
Aug/1/2017, 2:45 pm
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