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Anna333 Profile
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Re: FOCUS ON OURSELVES: Thought Stopping


sometimes i think i miss him but it's probably cos i feel lonely and [sign in to see URL] had made the choice in the end to end [sign in to see URL]'s what i [sign in to see URL] had clear [sign in to see URL] i find myself asking myself if i did the right [sign in to see URL] of course i [sign in to see URL]'m just trying to find a way to get rid of the pain..

when i n-dipped a few months back i saw his limited profile on fb he still had a photo of me and him on holiday and i had seen a photo of him with a serious unhappy expression and i have other photos in mind and then i just felt sorry for [sign in to see URL] i thought even if i were to know that he feels so shi* all day and suffers all day does that really make me feel any better? he wanted to remian in [sign in to see URL] that make me feel better? [sign in to see URL] doesn't make a [sign in to see URL]'s still an N and i still went through what i went [sign in to see URL] at times when he was nice and feeling sorry etc the next day he'd be abusive again so what difference would it make if i was in contact with him now or still with him or if i had tried to recuperate? in the end it's [sign in to see URL] is not just some small [sign in to see URL]'re not gonna change from one day to another if [sign in to see URL] i knew what i had to do..

i think i just have to accept that i'm gonna feel shi* for a while like a friend had [sign in to see URL] accept the shi* [sign in to see URL] psych also did mention that i should welcome [sign in to see URL] i try and avoid them it will take longer to [sign in to see URL] i'll try that [sign in to see URL] i should wake up every day and think 'if i feel shi* today or have memories and thoughts then that's ok'..

i feel like i've become an N expert but i think it's about time i focus on myself more and become a ME expert and that way i wont need to deal with anymore N shi* in the [sign in to see URL] some advice for u [sign in to see URL]'s focus, study to become ME experts..


Last edited by Anna333, Feb/28/2010, 4:43 am
Feb/27/2010, 12:38 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: FOCUS ON OURSELVES: Thought Stopping


 emoticon

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"Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity." Mark Twain
Mar/6/2010, 10:53 am Link to this post  
 
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Re: FOCUS ON OURSELVES: Thought Stopping


Unlike most here, I never even got to the intimacy stage, cant miss it. I got D&D'd precisely when I communicated and showed physical intimacy and opened my heart,she saw intimacy, and I was DONE! I am fortunate to have her girlfriend on my side since the breakup, cause she D&D'd her girfriend too! What I think about is when her girlfriend says... "Dave, you are BY FAR the kindest,most honest, compassionate, handsome, selfless man she has ever dated" THATS what makes me mad/confused/hurt! We lasted less than 6 months, but other relationships she had for 3, 4 years!!! I cant't imagine these guys wheren't intimate, or where just her Narc Supply tools and served her hand and foot (?)
Her GF says "she is afraid of you, cause your a good communicator, open, caring, loving and she CANNOT open up", the other guys where just happy to be with her, and they just had a 1 dimensional relationship, "she doesnt deserve you Dave!" I'm flattered her GF says this, but it still shot my confidence down that she could just throw me out, like old trash, and not call or care. I am now finding our first hand that she has a lifetime of doing this to males, females, co-workers, family, etc. I have fantasized about running into her, what I would say, what to do, wanting to gently explain she needs help, but my strength comes from 1) Time, and 2) reading this board. I become more confident and have engaged in though stopping, and it helps. I am getting out again more after cocooning and being wounded, and talking to , but not dating other women has helped. I know that the N relationship is THE hardest relationship I have ever had to recover from , and I need more time, but focusing on travel, fitness, busoness, and building healthy relationships with good people is the best way to stop thinking about her. Too bad she couldnt do the same.
Mar/6/2010, 7:23 pm Link to this post  
 
Anna333 Profile
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Re: FOCUS ON OURSELVES: Thought Stopping


'she was afraid of u cos u were a good communicator'..[sign in to see URL]'m a really good communicator [sign in to see URL] i could open up and talk and show [sign in to see URL] i think the N was probably envious of [sign in to see URL] probably did freak him out cos he could see things in me that he probably wished he [sign in to see URL] think any person who's full of insecurities is always going to be envious of [sign in to see URL] tried to do everything to communicate and the N was not willing or probably just didn't know how or was just too sick to open up cos communication in the end means opening up and expressing your feelings and i think that's exactly what N's try NOT to do! yeah that makes [sign in to see URL] without communication everything fails in the end and i had told him that..

does her friend have an interest in you? either way think about you rather than another r'ship for now..

yep dave focus on yourself and maybe also something [sign in to see URL] just have to accept that she's full of problems and it's just too much work for [sign in to see URL]'s not your [sign in to see URL] needs to save [sign in to see URL] just wont be able to give you what you want or need as she's too unhealthy just like all N's..

i feel so disappointed too as everyone knows me as such a good, kind, sincere [sign in to see URL] are many nice qualities to appreciate and i was STILL treated like [sign in to see URL]'s so unfair! i mean many times i though i'm not even a bit** to deserve that treatment i totally don't deserve it! but that guy was too sick to love me i realised i just couldn't save [sign in to see URL] in the end i had to take care of myself and get out of it and save myself!

it's a good thing that it lasted only 6 [sign in to see URL] should have lasted much less than a [sign in to see URL] just think for both u and me it could have been worse so we're lucky to be out of that situation..

surround yourself with good [sign in to see URL] are many great people out [sign in to see URL]'m focusing on the same..



Last edited by Anna333, Mar/7/2010, 4:49 am
Mar/7/2010, 4:40 am Link to this post  
 
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Re: FOCUS ON OURSELVES: Thought Stopping


thanks Anna. Her friend is attractive, and has expressed an interest in me, but I wont date a friend of an ex, just not classy, and as much as my ex was a full blown N, I would never disrespect her. also, imagine the smear campaign if I dated her best friend? I dont need that!! I truly thin kth efiend i strying to help, she has has many years to know ex, and has given me GREAT insight into her, good and bad. I am focusing on the good things in life, I am blessed and fortunate in many ways, and living in the past is not what I want.
" Regret looks back, fear looks sideways, but faith looks forward."
Mar/7/2010, 8:36 am Link to this post  
 
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Re: FOCUS ON OURSELVES: Thought Stopping


sounds like u've got the right ideas to move forward [sign in to see URL] just gotta have some patience..
Mar/7/2010, 10:05 am Link to this post  
 
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Re: FOCUS ON OURSELVES: Thought Stopping


Bump :flower:

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"The best way out is always through."--Robert Frost
May/11/2010, 7:46 am Link to this post  
 
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Re: FOCUS ON OURSELVES: Thought Stopping


when it ended my obsession wasn't about the why's of what he was, and how he could have done the things he did. I was releived to be free of him as he drained all of my energy. But my obsession stemmed from the physical being of him.
The sexual chemistry was off the charts from the moment I met him, it was animalistic, uninhibited, it was frequent, (sometimes 4 times a day) it was unlike anything I had ever experienced. I felt comfortable naked, even though I could afford to lose a few pounds, he liked me completely natural, no make up, no jewellery, no clothes, no hairspray or perfume... I felt liberated and extremely sexy. He could last for hours, and he could go again after only a short rest... Having someone that turned on by you is pretty intoxicating.
He is a very sexual being, he gets it very easily. When I met him I was involved with someone for 13 years who loved me, and treated me [sign in to see URL] I was questioning the direction of our relationship. I agreed to go out with N because he flattered and flirted, and seemed so full of life and [sign in to see URL] was only supposed to be a fun lunch date... as I told him I was going out with someone already... I met him for lunch, had a fun time, and thought that would be it. He called me a few hours later and told me he was picking me up and taking me out that night.
Within a few hours, he had me half naked doing it on a public park bench and 4 more times that same night, on the hood of his car in a public car park, in the back of his car, right outside my apt!
I quickly became addicted to the excitement and intense sexual nature.
I finished my 13 year relationship about a week later!

Eventually after 3 years the sex became exhausting, and forced, it was all about his desire, his satisfaction, his pleasure. Mine didn't count, and he assumed that simply him being in my home, or within a foot of me was sufficient 'foreplay' which was now non existent for me. Because of my growing dislike for him towards the end and my realization of who and what he was I didn't want it as much. When I didn't want to, he would insist and pressure until I gave in, or forced himself on me, he made me do things that degraded me and against my will, and he also used it as a way to withhold his affection as a form of punishment and control over me.
However when our r/s ended I forgot about all the bad stuff, it all went out the window, as I was consumed with my illusion of our sex life, and the power of our physical chemistry and intimacy. How could he give that up so [sign in to see URL]'ll never find someone else that turned him on like I did etc... Who was I kidding?
I was eaten up with thoughts of where he was, who he was with, how was he seducing, if he was right at this moment and was he thinking about me, was she as good as I was, round and round and round i went. My obsession about that stayed with me longer than the pain of losing him did. I realized I had never 'had' him to begin with. The sex was real, the illusion of my relationship was simply that. It's hard to lose something that you never had.

I eventually stopped the thoughts by focusing on telling myself that the sex with him wasn't intimacy as I tried to convince myself it was, the fact that he wanted sex so frequently wasn't because I was irresistable, it was because I was supplying him, and denying myself.




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"If it is important to you, you will find a way. If it isn't, you will find an excuse"

Just because it's all you've got, doesn't mean that's all there is.

In order to get to the other shore, you gotta lose sight of this one.
May/11/2010, 1:38 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: FOCUS ON OURSELVES: Thought Stopping


 emoticon

---
"Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity." Mark Twain
Sep/30/2010, 2:30 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: FOCUS ON OURSELVES: Thought Stopping


I have to take a moment and breath. I have managed in the last few days to dive in a spiral of deep depression.
I need to practice thought stopping, the obsessional thinking.

I am in a deep negative state, while I need to be positive in order to move forward. I need to help myself, my children. I cannot do this properly, if I am in this state.

I need to get up, get out!
Oct/5/2010, 12:08 pm Link to this post  
 
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