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WomanCave Profile
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Re: What If He Changes? The Hole in the N's Bucket


Somehow, in my perusing of this forum, I missed this and boy, am I glad I found it now because this is something that plagues me. He told me it was me who had a problem, he refused to see that the problems I had were directly related to his. If I brought that up I was told something like, "There you go again, turning it around so it's ME that has a problem!" or "I have a problem with xxxxxx (the issue) but when I talk to you about it, you change the focus so that it's on you!" and once in awhile I wonder if that's true. But when I remember just what the fighting was about it's clear to me that my problems were definitely related to his and we both had issues compounded by the other person's problem. What a mess. And I know he's more than likely found another or is on the verge of finding one (he was looking as soon as I hit the door, I'm sure, if not before - that's what he does) and there's this part of me that [sign in to see URL] that relationship is successful doesn't it mean it WAS me? And then I have to remind myself that it will be successful as long as she gives him that supply. Like I did for so many years. And when reality slaps her in the face and the excitement and thrill wear off she'll be gone, too. He isn't going to change. Oh, he'll show her (or has already shown her) that side of him that I saw at first. That side that makes her feel as though she's the most special woman in the world, that makes her feel as though he will never love another as he loves her. Then someday the gold finish will wear off and she'll see the tarnished soul beneath the man she thought he was.

There's definitely a hole in his bucket and he won't/can't fix it. Neither will she.

And I needed this reminder. Thanks.

Peace.

---
"No contact doesn't open up the gates of heaven and let you in, it opens up the gates of hell and lets you out." <---hopefully reading my own future!<---yes, it WAS and IS my future!
Aug/16/2010, 10:11 pm Link to this post  
 
tryingtocope Profile
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Re: What If He Changes? The Hole in the N's Bucket


Thank you so much Lynn......

I'm still going through these feelings [sign in to see URL] it was me all [sign in to see URL] like he's told me it [sign in to see URL] than him. He always told me I blamed everyone else for my [sign in to see URL] that he was tired of me playing the victim all the time. AFter 15 years of this with [sign in to see URL] know he's never going to [sign in to see URL] I find myself asking [sign in to see URL] I the one that's never going to change? [sign in to see URL] much self-doubt. Even now, I'm having a hard time blocking his email, [sign in to see URL]..."what if"?????? I know I need [sign in to see URL] actually and [sign in to see URL] him [sign in to see URL] will today be the day I am strong enough to do that?

Again, thank you for your [sign in to see URL] words really do encourage me and give me some [sign in to see URL] you Lynn.....
Aug/17/2010, 9:16 am Link to this post  
 
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Re: What If He Changes? The Hole in the N's Bucket


The xn I was with was seeing three therapists in the end. Two for ocd and one for relationships.

Question: How many psychiatrists does it take to change an N?

Answer: One. But the N has to want to change.

And, guess what? According to an N, it's all our fault. Therefore, there won't be any changin' goin' on.

Wait, let me check and see if he is STILL on [sign in to see URL] after being divorced for 10 [sign in to see URL]'ll be right back....

[sign in to see URL] he is hmancountry. Now he hasn't been active for 2 weeks which means he has found some poor, unsuspecting victim that he will screw really [sign in to see URL] she has never been screwed [sign in to see URL]'ll take her out to his isolated farm in the country where nobody can hear [sign in to see URL], slowly he will start the degradation, verbal [sign in to see URL]&D and [sign in to see URL] [sign in to see URL]'ll be back on [sign in to see URL]. I lasted the longest. Before me it was four months. Typically it's 4 weeks. He'll get some good, new meat and then be done with [sign in to see URL] to the next.

---
formerly NarcissistJunkee2
Aug/17/2010, 4:23 pm Link to this post  
 
Agatha2 Profile
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Re: What If He Changes? The Hole in the N's Bucket


Ain't gonna happen. Ns don't/can't/won't change.
Case in point, 3 years after xn got caught, again, sharing his favors (eyes rolling) and our money with yet another trollop, and 2 years after our divorce/my emancipation, guess what came to MY house last week (my house as a result of xn lying on stand in divorce court and my barracuda attorney)? A phone bill addressed to xn for a new cell number that he did NOT have during our 25 year marriage nor has he given to our kids to use to call him... It appears he "forgot" and had this new number, unknown to his "new and improved" wife, billed to my address. He still has his "old" cell that he uses to communicate with our kids. ROFLMAO. :sick:
Yeh. 3 years later xn is still xn and likely 25 years from now, won't be any different, at least not any better.
Victims of xns however, if we work at it, do the really excrutiating, gut-wrenching, day after day self-work, we DO! CAN! And WILL BE BETTER and BETTER EVERY DAY! Here's a toast to those of us with buckets free from holes :clap:
Happy to have an old rusty, dented and dinged bucket, but one that is watertight! Think I'll fill it to the brim today with friends and REAL people (and maybe some blueberries),
Aggie
Aug/18/2010, 7:24 am Link to this post  
 
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Re: What If He Changes? The Hole in the N's Bucket


How right you are, Agatha. For 2 years I held onto hope tha the ex-N could really change. I truly thought he had changed many hurtful behaviors during the relationship, but in the end I found out he never changed, he just put on a very, very good act. It still makes me cringe to wonder what he did that I had no idea about. Sometimes I think I want to know, but its probbly better that I never know.

You are also right when you say that we are the ones who can change for the better. We are real people with real emotions. We know how to feel and love. Yes, it is definitely excruciating. The most painful experience of my life. But I know that I will love again. I still hurt right now, but I also know that I went through this for a reason. I guess I was pretty weak and had low self-esteem. I had to go through this to figure out my problems so I can change and be stronger. I hope we can all learn from what we went through and take steps to ensure we never get caught up in another of these horrible relationships again. emoticon
Aug/18/2010, 9:52 am Link to this post  
 
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Re: What If He Changes? The Hole in the N's Bucket


Bump
Oct/6/2010, 1:17 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: What If He Changes? The Hole in the N's Bucket


 emoticon

---
"Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity." Mark Twain
Nov/2/2010, 11:20 am Link to this post  
 
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Re: What If He Changes? The Hole in the N's Bucket


bump

---
"Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity." Mark Twain
Dec/5/2010, 7:06 pm Link to this post  
 
Had Enough9 Profile
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Re: What If He Changes? The Hole in the N's Bucket


bumping this back on up....
Dec/6/2010, 7:30 am Link to this post  
 
tryingtocope Profile
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Re: What If He Changes? The Hole in the N's Bucket


All these [sign in to see URL] think this thought has helped keep me stuck. All the "what ifs"????? As there's always been another woman for probably as long as I was with [sign in to see URL] would torture myself with all those self-doubts [sign in to see URL] all this turmoil was [sign in to see URL] that he would "ride off into the sunset" with that perfect woman. [sign in to see URL]'s probably wonderful with [sign in to see URL] was me he had such a hard time with.

I'm really working on getting past this, as those thoughts of him being so very happy with [sign in to see URL] wonderful she is, etc. has hurt me so much for all these years. I'm not sure I'll ever truly get that thought out of my mind and heart, so what I want to work on [sign in to see URL] cares IF he's happier with [sign in to see URL] was so awful to me.

[sign in to see URL] is all so much work!
Dec/6/2010, 7:49 pm Link to this post  
 
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