Runboard.com
You're welcome.
Are you walking on eggshells with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?
Welcome to our Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Psychopath Survivors Group.
A Learning, Resource and Support Forum.

runboard.com       Sign up (learn about it) | Sign in (lost password?)


Page:  1  2  3 ... 5  6  7  8 

 
nearing60 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info


Global user

Registered: 07-2009
Posts: 5295
Karma: 161 (+161/-0)
Re: What If He Changes? The Hole in the N's Bucket


This is one of my all time favorites from Lynn, still speaks to me as I hope it speaks to anyone here needing these words.

If you're relatively new to the forum, please read the post more than a few times. I took a course one time in marketing and recall the teacher saying that sometimes we have to read something at least 19 times before the exposure sinks in and we recall most of the info. LOL, but it's 'play it again, Sam' if you should need it, so go for it.

Lynn's words about the abuser going into [sign in to see URL] it helps anyone at all, the exH
only went to a psychiatrist because I forced him to go and at that, my hope was to stop his literally throwing money out the window and to help give him a 'grip' on reality and stop that horrible haughty attitude.
The result of this was that exH did the following: he told me psychiatrists go into psychiatry because they're too stupid to do anything else, he said he spent time having to teach the doctor how to use the computer,
he told the doc he had a strong self-will and would self-solve, he told the doc in my presence the problem was that I wasn't spontaneous enough and didn't join him in fun.

What was achieved in this? Nothing, except more money lost on his 'therapy'. He had closed his ears, berated the doctor and me,
elevated gambling and fun to the reason for living and his cause to celebrate.

When someone behaves hedonistically and is unabashed about bashing people who try to live in reality land, you may see the same face I saw in that psychiatrist of my husband.. shaking head in a no from side to side, dejected looking, yet looking relieved as exH walked out and said he wouldn't be back. No handshake offered.

Maybe this doc was singing "Oh, Happy Days" or something to that effect. He must have been forced to list a diagnosis from somewhere in the DSM for insurance purposes, but I will always believe he just wrote down
Crazy, case closed.

So don't let your bucket which I'm sure is filled enough with your own concerns take on a load from someone else's bucket. There are rocks in their bucket and rocks yield no pleasure in carrying around nor do they talk, have empathy or emote in reasonable form.
Long before the DSM arrived, crazy was as crazy does. It's only their excuse to do as they please, benefits you nor society in any way. Hugs and thanks always to the
Bumper-Uppers who have that knack for being in the right place at the right time! Love


Jul/28/2011, 10:35 am Link to this post  
 
JanineLouise3110 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info

Registered user
Global user

Registered: 05-2011
Posts: 447
Karma: 16 (+16/-0)
Re: What If He Changes? The Hole in the N's Bucket


Wow the twisting and inabilty of these sick snake like creatures is astonishing...
 ExN RESISTED any THERAPY with ALL his might and strung me along for a year with empty promise after promise he would get some therapy..
 He was so slippery he wouldn't even look at a simple self help book and had NO ABILITY to self examine his appalling and CRAZY behaviour.
 I am a woman of faith too and I prayed so much for him, but as his exwife once said" D is a law unto himself".. she also told him he was HOLLOW, a LIAR and DESTROYED PEOPLE!! She was SO right!!
 If only i could talk to her but he smeared me so much that may never me possible.
 ExN showed NO humility, remorse, repentence,accountability just LIE after LIE and mad chaos like whirlwind, destroying everything and everyone in his path...
I pray I NEVER see him again..
Moving towards the Light now... LvJLxxx
Jul/28/2011, 5:47 pm Link to this post  
 
ZeN321 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info

Registered user
Global user

Registered: 07-2011
Posts: 56
Karma: 1 (+1/-0)
posticon Re: What If He Changes? The Hole in the N's Bucket


I too have this fear I got my husband into therapy when we split over 5 years ago he went 5 sessions together thats it .Well he stayed out of the house anyway he left me .We continued "trying to work things on our own for another 2 and a half years"then he crushed me again and said he didn't love me anymore or miss me we have to stop seeing each other.I just found out about BPD and NPD he's a combo 2 months ago so I wasted over 5 years beating myself up and just starting some stages and quite honestly one I have never felt ANGER is bothering me since I have never felt that for anyone or myself as I do now.
We were together almost 8 years before he up and left after christmas over a disagreement with my son ??? He sticks by it to this day he did nothing wrong !!!


 3 months later he meets a girl and 6 months later moves her in they have been together now almost 3 years ,he went back to therapy on his own weekly on meds and we are still married . Top that one .He told me last year he wasn't divorcing me,nor reconciling,and had no intention of remarrying either. So she'll be around for however long but I almost feel like he will get better and she will benefit emoticon
Jul/30/2011, 2:30 am Link to this post  
 
tiredofscared Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info

Registered user
Global user

Registered: 02-2011
Posts: 2351
Karma: 125 (+125/-0)
Re: What If He Changes? The Hole in the N's Bucket


Though Nmonster is currently in jail awaiting stalking charges (I held the authorities feet to the fire on the OP), I have no doubt that upon his release, there will be an immediate NW. Perhaps a penpal from the pen-LOL!

I believe there is always a NW. I am pretty sure I was some other gal's NW! That reality, though I don't know who she is, draws me up sharply and I can't hate NW, even though she knew about me. She was, like me, the laser-targeted focus of a NW hunt/campaign by a N/P. Impossible to get out of the beam's focus once it's trained on you.

I have no denial. It will never get better with these creatures. I told my new therapist that I feel certain that a some-what healthy self-esteem saved me from a second year with this maniac. She wholeheartedly agreed. She says she sees most women after 10-20 years of crazy-making abuse. I feel nothing but empathy for these other victims. Their own issues may allow N/P to stay those 3 years or more we witness, but to what end? Happiness? I wouldn't take that bet on even odds. No way. It's just not possible, and for us, as we recover, to have the self-pity to believe that, hinders our recovery.

That's just MHO. And I adore you all for your honesty and pain in expressing it. Thank you.
T

---
They'll tell us who they are--if we'll listen.
Jul/30/2011, 6:23 am Link to this post  
 
ZeN321 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info

Registered user
Global user

Registered: 07-2011
Posts: 56
Karma: 1 (+1/-0)
Re: What If He Changes? The Hole in the N's Bucket


Hi Tired not sure if you were directing your reply to me or in general .

  My husbands GF knew he was married not even legally seperated from me when they met apparently he did meet one girl right before her who would not date a "married" man . One thing he isn't like most Narcs as I think he is perhaps more Borderline is honest to the point of brutal hurtfullness ie: if he thinks your shirt is ugly he'll tell you if you ask no white lies .
    So she knew getting into this. But of course he probably fell as she did "in love" after the first date and she couldn't leave and didn't matter he was married.
  After all we had not lived together in "years" I am sure he didn't tell her we were still exclusively still having a great physically relationship and spending 4 days a week together up until 3 months before they met.

   Of course when I call him about our health insurance or tax stuff or ask him other stuff she'll be so sweet and say hold on I'll get him and sometimes he talks to me for an hour or two about stupid stuff in another room. She must be out of her mind at least I would be if I were her wondering what he is talking to his wife about so long (we have no children to discuss).

I did meet her a couple times to at his parents wakes they died a week apart about 9 months into their relationship (he seemed to have traded down) and he paid for her to go to school and get into the same exact field I am in how crazy is that ????

Is he trying to make her me somehow since he doesn't want me . I am very confused and thats why I believe he is happier with her "and molding her parts into what he wants" he'll have his perfect everything and stay with her forever.
Jul/30/2011, 7:07 pm Link to this post  
 
tiredofscared Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info

Registered user
Global user

Registered: 02-2011
Posts: 2351
Karma: 125 (+125/-0)
Re: What If He Changes? The Hole in the N's Bucket


Ze:
Kind of general response of my own experience and what I've learned. I am voracious about learning about N/Ps. Here's what I know: they mistake or reinterpret certain emotions for love and happiness. They are perenially dissatisfied (hence NW all the time, constant change and chaos) and therefore cannot have true happiness. Happiness breeds contentment of which they are incapable. That's why NW cannot make these creatures happy. If you break NC by watching what they do, I have no doubt you will inevitably see the dissatisfaction that ends up in unhappiness. I refuse to let my pain(and at least a smidge of self-pity mixed with tremendous dissappointment) reinterpret what I see between Nmonster and another NW as happiness. I know the facts for the N, even if I personally know NW, which in my case, I do.

As for the NW, I'm not suggesting she be excused, but I believe strongly that Nmonster's NW must surely have at least as many FOO issues or recent stress/trauma as me or is just so stupid that as the pinpoint-targeted victim of a N campaign to win her and the NS all that effort provides, she could not have avoided the crosshairs. As Vaknin puts it, "It is nigh impossible to resist the laser-focused campaign." I'm sure you can imagine the smear he put on, about you, to her.

I read recently that most r/s with Ns begin with or quickly include a large dose of our pity. They use it to ensnare very empathic people. I'm not immune to such a ploy, clearly.
quote:

After all we had not lived together in "years" I am sure he didn't tell her we were still exclusively still having a great physically relationship and spending 4 days a week together up until 3 months before they met.

I'm doubtful as I don't believe a N is ever faithful nor believes he should be. He is an addict and the best source for his drug is NW. And man, when that stuff is turned toward you, it's nearly impossible to resist.

I don't excuse it, but I do understand. I wonder who the ex (or maybe current) W was that I stepped in to replace (subsidize)?

Any thoughts on my "take"?
T

---
They'll tell us who they are--if we'll listen.
Jul/30/2011, 11:44 pm Link to this post  
 
EmTee1 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info

Registered user
Global user

Registered: 02-2010
Posts: 2455
Karma: 62 (+62/-0)
Re: What If He Changes? The Hole in the N's Bucket


During our reconciliation, STBX N went to therapy at my insistence. After a couple sessions, when the therapist apparently suggested STBX was kind of "out there" mentally, STBX stopped going, saying the therapist "wasn't on his spiritual wavelength".
Jul/31/2011, 1:25 pm Link to this post  
 
mscratch Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info

Registered user
Global user

Registered: 06-2010
Posts: 195
Karma: 7 (+7/-0)
Re: What If He Changes? The Hole in the N's Bucket


Thankyou, thank you for bumping this. I am really struggling with this right now. NW is 15 years younger than me, slim , athletic, bubbly. Now she is trying to charm my children as she ignores her own.. So hard to take.

---
It's better to have loved and lost, than to live with a psycho for the rest of your life.
Jul/31/2011, 2:33 pm Link to this post  
 
okiegal52 Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info

Registered user
Global user

Registered: 06-2011
Posts: 297
Karma: 4 (+4/-0)
Re: What If He Changes? The Hole in the N's Bucket


mscratch, I notice that you are new to me on this board. I've not read any of your posts before this one. I want to welcome you here where you will be amazed at your healing and your education about NPD (I know I was).

I'm very sorry for all you've been through.

By the way, I love your avitar!

I think many NW's try to charm the stepchildren, is this not so? She may have no ulterior motive other than hoping they'll like her.

Meanwhile, I do feel sorry for her own kids if she ignores them while paying attention to yours.

Hon, please try to pity that NW. Her age and body build is not gonna protect her from the crazy-making of your xnh. She actually deserves pity. A Narcissist doesn't care that much about looks other than to show her off like arm-candy, and to fulfill his own twisted need for attention. Aren't you happy you are no longer with him and his craziness?

Perhaps not yet, but as you heal I think you'll see that by far you got the better end of the deal. He's your past, and she's his present, but how much future? Believe me, I wrote a poem for the New Members Board called "The Former". With N's, there's always a OW (one in waiting or one in the past, or one long in the future). They will always be dissatisfied.

My regards to you.

Ever forward and N-free! emoticon

Okie

Last edited by okiegal52, Aug/1/2011, 5:26 am


---
Okie
Jul/31/2011, 6:44 pm Link to this post  
 
LynnS Profile
Live feed
Blog
Friends
Miscellaneous info

Administrator
Global user

Registered: 10-2008
Posts: 2215
Karma: 170 (+170/-0)
Re: What If He Changes? The Hole in the N's Bucket


MsCratch, you have done an amazing job dealing with the divorce and all the insanity associated with it where he's concerned. Your progress since you joined over a year ago now has been pretty remarkable.

Even though the relationship with the NW is no doubt hard to stomach, please don't ever forget that where your children are concerned, you are their mother. Nobody he decides to introduce into the equation is going to change who they in their hearts know is always there for them no matter what. That's you.

Lynn

---
"The best way out is always through."--Robert Frost
Jul/31/2011, 7:38 pm Link to this post  
 
Page:  1  2  3 ... 5  6  7  8 





You are not logged in (login)
http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/t24062