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LynnS Profile
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No Contact and N-Dipping


I thought I'd do a post about NC and N dipping for the newer people.

From the No Contact Contract:

quote:

No contact includes every single form of contact: mail/email, phone, fax, his websites, IM, texts - EVERYTHING. This also [sign in to see URL] NOT ask friends/family about him/her and do NOT let friends/family tell you about him/her. I will get rid of every item that reminds me of him.



Some common misconceptions:

"If I don't respond to the emails/texts/IM's he's sending me, I've gone No Contact."

That's not No Contact. That's only, 'I didn't respond.'

"N Dipping (including a final email, a check into his Facebook account, a conversation with a mutual acquaintance about his latest activities) is harmless and just helps me detach and reminds me of who he is."

That's a temporary fix at best. It exacerbates the length of time it takes to move on. I think that what many people are really doing when they N Dip is searching for some semblance of the person they thought they once knew. It's replacing him with obsessing about him. He's left a hole and you're in part filling it with more of 'him' or 'her'. Nothing more, nothing less. You're likely either afraid that 'good guy' is who he really is and will be with somebody else, or you want to see it for yourself so that you can hang onto hope.

If you are telling yourself, 'I just need to know for sure,'...no you don't. You already have plenty of information to decide that he's toxic in your life. Or perhaps you still have that niggling feeling that 'it was you.' You'll never see it another way or get those answers from the N. Any news of his comings and goings has no purpose at all except perhaps to give him NS should he become aware that you're still invested in what he does. That makes you recyclable supply to an N. You're inviting contact from him at some point when you N dip because if he knows he can still get a reaction out of you (and that's what he wants to know, if not for any immediate purpose, then someday when he needs a fix) he'll probably act on it.

No Contact is a state of mind. It's not a punishment for the N or a way to get them to 'wake up'. It's not about them at all. Think of it as putting a "No Trespassing" sign on your peace and sanity. You do it for yourself. It's a way of not allowing him or her to intrude upon your life or thoughts in any visceral way. It is removing the N from your consciousness in every tangible way possible. This must be done as the first step toward truly moving on.

I think this is why it is sometimes difficult. NC is coming to terms with the fact that this chapter in your life is over. The book is closed. You must put it on the shelf, never to be retrieved, read, or skimmed again and put up blocks so that it cannot possibly suddenly 'pop off the shelf' and into your lap. It requires a decision to be done, even if you don't feel ready to make it just yet. You have to decide it's over EVERY SINGLE DAY for awhile and stick with it until it's true.

No Contact means that you have taken the first, most practical steps toward removing the Narcissist in your life from your life and ultimately, your consciousness, in order to make room for your own thoughts, your own chapter, and your own book. It's a much more interesting read. The N's book will always end the same. You have better things to do than to read the same story over and over again. So, I would encourage everybody when you're tempted to break contact or N [sign in to see URL] something that fills you up instead of something that will deplete you and make you feel worse than you already do.

And to all, please know that this post is really about definition, not judgment. Everybody probably knows by now that I don't do the 'scolding' thing. We do understand that NC is something that upon occasion takes time and not everybody gets there immediately, though of course we wish we could wave a wand and make that happen.

Femfree has often said that NC can take an average of 4 to 7 times before it takes hold. I have always said that we can't 'make' anybody do anything at all and that the best we can do is witness how it worked for us. This isn't an excuse for you to continue the dance with the N, just a fact that might help you understand that your difficulties in letting go if you've had them are normal.

So, please take this post in the spirit in which it is intended. It's a definition. And for those of you who are still dipping or in contact, know this: the message here is that there IS another way. And when you get to the point where you look in the mirror and say to yourself, 'There's got to be a better way than this', NC is that way. It works. It saves lives, hearts, and minds.

You may go there willingly or you may go there kicking and screaming, but it is the way to true North, the place where you'll find the serenity you seek.

Lynn



Last edited by LynnS, Oct/9/2009, 5:56 am


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"The best way out is always through."--Robert Frost
Jul/14/2009, 11:55 am Link to this post  
 
HopeYet Profile
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Re: No Contact and N-Dipping


An excellent post, Lynn. thank you.
I cannot wait for the day I can go NC for good.
I'm embroiled in a joint house, business (worse) and reoccuring cancer (his - even worse).
He pulls me back down with every contact.
He's bad, bad news. So I would urge anyone that can do it - to DO IT.

HY
Jul/14/2009, 12:04 pm Link to this post  
 
pheonixrising Profile
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Re: No Contact and N-Dipping


Id like to add that even after over a year of separation, and 7 (nearly 8) months of NC, its still not safe to dip.

Thats, speaking to mutual friends.

I thought I had mutual friends with XN. I thought they wouldnt tell him of my life.

WRONG. They did. Now im getting harrased.

Its NEVER safe to BREAK NC.

CUT ALL TIES. Let go of 'mutual' friends.

A chance at a new life, 100%. Take it.


edited to add, I saw so much value in this post, it hit a spot for me today, that I forgot to stop, and say THANKS for posting it Lynn. :heart:

Last edited by pheonixrising, Jul/14/2009, 12:51 pm


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Pheonixrising is now Phe ONYX.
Jul/14/2009, 12:05 pm Link to this post  
 
tourmaline Profile
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Re: No Contact and N-Dipping


Thank you Lynn.

I wish it could be proved how good a thing NC is, but there's only one way to do that and that's to go NC.

Please do, all of those who haven't yet and are free to. I understand it's different for those tied in by children or, like HopeYet, through property and business; but the rest of us are lucky enough to be able to.

love, tourmaline
Jul/14/2009, 12:30 pm Link to this post  
 
seligman Profile
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Re: No Contact and N-Dipping


No contact has saved my life. That's all I can say.
Jul/14/2009, 1:12 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: No Contact and N-Dipping


As a newbie, I appreciate the reminders about NC. For the past few days, I've gone through as many old posts as possible and wrote down some great words of wisdom. I have 8 pages now, front and back, and plan to recopy it all in a neater form in a notebook.

I know that I'll have to read it daily to reinforce just how important NC is. There's no substitute for hearing from real people and what they've gone through. It's worth more to me than reading a dozen books by
psych. professionals. Ignorance CAN be bliss.
His life was a broken record of same ole.
That won't change, but if I can stay NC,
my spirit can be spared a burden that was never mine to solve in the first place.
Jul/14/2009, 1:57 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: No Contact and N-Dipping


I have to agree that NC is the way to [sign in to see URL] have to be honest that I decided on NC in March before I even knew what an "N" was let alone NC, I KNEW that I could never have contact with him EVER [sign in to see URL] I am in a bit of a situation. My "n" was the result of an affair and my husband and I are still together, there is NO WAY I can change my cell number, I have had it for 12 years and same with my [sign in to see URL] have blocked all other forms of communication, I deleted an email acoount back in March that he only knew after he sent me "one of his emails" and I also blocked him on facebook, he lives across teh country and we have No friends in common! Every day I go NC the better I feel, its almost a conquest for me, the longer I go NC the better I feel, strange?
Jul/14/2009, 3:37 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: No Contact and N-Dipping


Great post! It takes some of us longer to "get it" than others. But in the end, this is the only way to go. I'm convinced.
Jul/14/2009, 3:42 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: No Contact and N-Dipping


Dear Lynn, I have been NC over 3 years yet I still feel every once in a while I need a reminder or a refresher course in it. I have not spoken nor seen xnh but I have one child who stays in contact so there are times I hear n news. I try my best to remain very neutral in my daughters presence in regard to what she tells me. Sometimes some of his antics are amusing and other times they can cause pain. xnh has no idea of this and never will. It is bizarre how their effect on us can linger. NC is the best thing I ever did for my sanity and well being. My silence tells him in the most effective way he has no real power over me any more. Just a little residue that is fading each and every day. Gramechka
Jul/14/2009, 5:53 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: No Contact and N-Dipping


I have done all of it, the NC in every form [sign in to see URL] by bit. The circle is now complete with most joint friends discarded, Xfamily pushed away, all contact avenues sabotaged with huge obstacles in the way of my heart.

The "elephant in the living room" is those friends who love me, have agreed to the terms, sense when I am suffering, ask the question, "why are you sad'? I have to pretend another reason. I feel like a fake myself! I am lying about the source of my pain, perhaps like he did.

I suppose my healing is worse because of me. It is as if I have to now pretend that the worst emotiional and spiritual wound of my life never happened. I cannot speak of it to anyone other than myself and those of you here. Most days, I walk forward in such strength I surprise myself.

Believe me I have done the hard hard work, but I have to now pretend that this relationship never existed to myself, my family and friends and the universe.

I get that they everyone in m life was so relieved when it ended. For them it was over... done. Me, I had to internalize it and walk forward pretending I was again whole. How could that be?
Jul/14/2009, 7:55 pm Link to this post  
 
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