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lola3 Profile
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Re: No Contact and N-Dipping


lynn life saving post, no matter how hard we struggle the truth cuts through the poop
awesome post
Jul/15/2009, 6:06 am Link to this post  
 
Cinder 15 Profile
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Re: No Contact and N-Dipping


Great info Lynn

The line: The book is closed.

I had a ache in my heart when I read that.

Hard to say to yourself, harder to do.

But worth every tear heartache and sleepless night to have that over with.

I will heal--N never will





---
What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

C
Jul/15/2009, 9:05 am Link to this post  
 
littlelake Profile
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Re: No Contact and N-Dipping


I would like to thank you very much Lynn, your message goes straight to the bones... I need to seriously think about it.
Jul/20/2009, 4:23 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: No Contact and N-Dipping


I have to respond to this because this carries home how NC has nothing to do with N.

My s#2(15) has not seen or spoken to his father for almost 2 yrs (his decision) because he gets how his father only "uses" him to feel good about being a father. s#1 (17) saw his father recently and his father told him to tell his brother he(N)is not mad at him and why doesn't he contact him.

See, N does not get NC. He has spun it already that is is s#2's problem. Again, he is not to blame.

So, again, NC is about us and taking back our power to say NO to awful treatment and to walk in peace to know that we are true to ourselves!

Jul/20/2009, 5:50 pm Link to this post  
 
LynnS Profile
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Re: No Contact and N-Dipping


Bump

---
"The best way out is always through."--Robert Frost
Oct/9/2009, 5:21 am Link to this post  
 
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Re: No Contact and N-Dipping


If I hadn't gone NC, it would have been that much longer before I could start a very LONG journey in finding my self, my meaning in life, my safety, my RIGHT to be...

N took these things away from me long [sign in to see URL] couldn't wait another moment.

Life with the N wasn't me living, I was dying.

Each time I dipped in the first week was more time this destroyer took from [sign in to see URL] now I'm 3 months No Contact.

-Nikita
 :heart: :heart: :heart:

---
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.

~Maya Angelou
Oct/9/2009, 5:37 am Link to this post  
 
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Re: No Contact and N-Dipping


Bump :heart:

---
"The best way out is always through."--Robert Frost
Dec/11/2009, 8:59 am Link to this post  
 
Jessica072 Profile
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Re: No Contact and N-Dipping


It was a while before I really got the principle of NC - not how to do it because that's not been a huge problem for me, luckily, but the "why".

For me, I realised after I dipped a few months back (and thanks to my therapist for helping me to see this more clearly) that any contact, even seeing his list of fake friends on Fakebook, cut me to the core. I imagined all sorts of great things were happening in his life and it set me back.

It was during a tearful discussion with my therapist about this, when she asked me if I was going to let this guy ruin the rest of my life, that I finally got it.

Even dipping so that I could see his friends list, or check to see what he might have been up to, allowed him to have power over me and my life. Having mutual friends on my friends list allowed for the possibility of news about him (and on Facebook, no-one ever posts bad news) and the big possibility that that was going to hurt me all the more.

I just needed his friends list and my imagination and I was sent off on a spiral of depression.

Since I realised this, I haven't dipped (although I have heard about his bad behaviour in work which dipping but this has also been very liberating for me - not recommended though, I know) and I have deleted all mutual friends from Facebook.

When I did the latter, I feel so free - free from all the anxiety and worrying, and it allowed me to stop thinking about what he might be doing but what he is probably doing.

He is not out having a great life. He is a miserable, unhappy person and I don't need to dip to know that.

NC is about self-preservation, self-protection and getting the power back over our own lives.

Jess

---
"Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet."
Dec/11/2009, 2:10 pm Link to this post  
 
poshfrocks Profile
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Re: No Contact and N-Dipping


I wish this thread could be put on a timer to get bumped up at least once a month. So many members, new and not so new, have this tendency to say they are in NC when they aren't And then they wonder why it still hurts so much.

Here is an analogy of how this works. Let's say that someone you know and love dies. You are deeply shaken; it feels like the world is off its axis, life has lost its savor. Every morning when you awake, the first thought in your mind is "______ is dead!" Then you have to adjust to that shocking new reality all over again. For some time, thoughts of this departed loved one are never far from your mind. You relieve the last time you saw them, spoke to them, locate and re-read the last letter, replay the last voicemail, and so on. It feels at first that life will be one endless day like this after another, and wallowing in your shock and grief is your new reality.

And then, one day, it happens. You wake up thinking of something else, and you feel guilty when you realise that you didn't think of _____ for half an hour. Eventually, although you may feel guilty, you find your thoughts dwelling on the dearly departed less and less. You haven't forgotten them, but the non stop grief-thoughts are displaced in the natural course of things, crowded out by life. YOUR life, the life you still have before you to be lived, even though the lost loved one is no longer part of it.

This process of adjusting your new reality to even the most awful of losses is precisely how real NC works! The "dearly departed",or the N you loved, is not there to keep stimulating your thoughts of them, to keep adding new experiences to the old ones. With no new experiences coming in to replace the old, we eventually grow tired of rehashing the same old, same old thoughts. We grow bored with those old thoughts. We have milked all the meaning from those memories that we can at that stage in our lives. We have healed.

It can happen the same way with all our raw N wounds... but only if we treat the N as though he is dead. He doesn't know he is dead to us so he keeps trying to rub our noses in his contempt for us, to keep proving to himself how much power he has over our emotions. A real lost loved one doesn't have to be blocked because death itself blocks the ability to keep stirring up our grief, and in that absence of more wounding, our grief runs its course.

We have to find ways to treat the N as though he is truly dead to us, and that means blocking ALL the avenues by which he can inflict awareness of his existence. If we block emails and he creates a new account to get around the blocks, then we must delete the new emails and block those, too. If he gets our new phone number, we must change our number yet again. If he continues to drive by our house, then perhaps we need to move. Or at least close the blinds! It doesn't really matter what he does, our job is to not know it. It can be a nuisance, but it can be done. If you really want to heal, it must be done.

I have been reading on this board for about three years now, and one thing stands out very clearly: the ones who practice complete NC religiously are the ones who heal quickly. The ones whose agony drags on for years are the ones who refuse to change their phone numbers, block emails, move away. They maintain mutual friendships, maintain a r/s with his relatives, stay in a job that means seeing him regularly, work out at the same gym, etc...

Many of these members are very insistent in their arguments for why they "can't" change their number, change jobs, move away, or any of the other obvious defenses against an abusive N. And then they wonder why they are still in so much pain.

It's really quite simple: which do you value more, the cell number you've had for years or your mental health? Having to reprint 1000 business cards, or getting so depressed you are a danger to yourself? Or worse, talking yourself into going back to the N because you think that is the only way to lessen your immediate pain; when really, it can only make the pain worse and drag it out longer.

Many of these members are the ones who feel great pain when the phone doesn't ring. They long for him to call, telling themselves that if he does, they will have the pleasure of not taking the call. Then when he does call, they dive for it. The beauty of real NC is that if he is one of those Ns who doesn't hoover, you don't have to be tortured with the phone not ringing. YOU are in control of your reality, not him. You can spend time peacefully in your home without being a hostage to the phone, without being tortured either by its ringing or its silence. Without being tempted to pick it up, just this once, to see what he has to say.

If you want to get better, you MUST get serious about complete NC. Anything less is just playing games with the disordered N. The N always wins when you do this because it is impossible to win with an N.
Dec/11/2009, 2:38 pm Link to this post  
 
poshfrocks Profile
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Re: No Contact and N-Dipping


PS I should add that I learned ALL of this the hard way. I wasn't one of the quick studies who got the NC message right away and just did it. I cooperated in letting N continue to torture me with so called LC for about 6 months before finally recognising that the hard liners on the board who preached unflinching NC were absolutely right. Their way works. Anything short of total NC sucks.
Dec/11/2009, 2:46 pm Link to this post  
 
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