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Had Enough9 Profile
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Re: No Contact and N-Dipping


Hi Sue,

He does sound like a somatic narcissist. We can't diagnose here, however, he fits some criteria.

As long as you are with him, you can't do NC.

I can understand how tied you must feel with needing his insurance. I stayed with the xnh far too long because of finances.

Your only path to freedom is to find some kind of a job, which I know isn't easy right now. Is there any insurance coverage in your State for uninsured children if you are forced to leave for your and your children's peace of mind?

Is there a relative you can stay with, or can the children's father insure them?

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know where you are coming from, and my heart breaks for you.

Read all you can on the left hand sidebar if you haven't. Please also, guard you computer, and erase all your history and internet files so that he can't find you on here. Somatics normally limit all the freedoms you can have. If you can stash away money in an account he can't know about, it will help too.

If your family believes his lies, I am sorry. You perhaps need to level with them about what he is doing to you and why. He is trying to break up your support system so that you are totally dependent on him and can't leave, virtually making you a prisoner.

Can you move back to where you used to live? Maybe be rehired there?

I'm glad you found this forum.

Hugs,
Had Enough
Jan/16/2010, 9:03 pm Link to this post  
 
tryingtoheal Profile
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Re: No Contact and N-Dipping


this post was inspirational and because of it, i have cut decided to completely cut the N out. its official. it is [sign in to see URL] like [sign in to see URL] you are on a diet and you eat the cookie, dont be depressed if you dont reach your [sign in to see URL] ate the [sign in to see URL] you dip into the N's [sign in to see URL] end up taking longer to get it over with, [sign in to see URL] will never reach your [sign in to see URL] makes so much sense to me written that way and thank you so much for posting this. i feel better. more free already.
Jan/17/2010, 5:00 am Link to this post  
 
desparatesue Profile
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Re: No Contact and N-Dipping


Had Enough. . . Thank you for your response! Its been a few days since I have been able to get on the computer.

You are right. . . I feel like a hostage. . . and a fool at the same time. . . I was married before to the father of my children for 16 years. . . he walked out 8 years ago. . . I was a single mom for a little over four years. . . met this man and he seemed to be everything that a woman could want. . . he cooked, cleaned, treated me like a princess. . . until we got married. Some examples of things he does. . . . he is obssessed with sex. He will curse me, but still expect me to lay down for him. His children are VERY disrespectful of him. . I defended him in a nice way, kind of trying to make his daughter feel bad by telling her that her dad loved her very much, etc., and she texted me and cursed me out. Then she told her dad (my husband) that as long as he was married to me, she would not have a relationship with him. Now he is blaming me for the situation. . . even though he knows exactly what I said to her and what she said to me in response. He says that I should be the Christian I claim to be and learn how to forgive. . . he says that I am trying to prevent himn from seeing his daughter when I went to great lengths to tell him that I would not stop seeing my children for anybody and I didn't expect him to not see his, however, I didn't want to be around his daughter until she changed her behavior or apologized. Then he cursed me and told me that he would bring her here if he wanted to. Another thing is that he doesn't go around my family. . . my dad died 4 months after we got married. . . my mom is alone and lives 60 miles away. . . he never asks about her or wants to go to see her or do anything for her, but he goes to see his parents at least 2-3 times per week, and stays in contact with his brothers on a daily basis. He even treats his dog better than mine. . . literally. My kids and I were very involved in church. . .I sang in a trio, etc. . . we moved up here and never go. . . there is always a reason why we can't. He drinks pretty much every day. . . has come home drunk in front of my kids many times. He doesn't come home from work, doesn't call or text, until sometimes after midnight. . .almost always after 8pm. He says that he is working late so that he doesn't have to be around me. My kids have been miserable. My 19 year old son moved out and started drinking. He just got a DUI and had to come back home in order to get back on his feet. My husband agreed to it, but now throws that up in my face. . . that my kids are here and that I have nerve not wanting his daughter here. My daughter won't even have friends over because she is scared that my husband will start arguing/cursing in front of them. As far as insurance, my daughter is covered by her dad's insurance, but my present husband's insurance covers a lot more. . . and whatever her dad's insurance doesn't cover. I've got high blood pressure and need the insurance really bad. I'm having a horrible time finding a job. I do have job skills - type 75wpm, etc., but am 50 years old with a high school education. I had my own residential cleaninng business where i used to live and gave up all of my clients. Most people are cutting back on housekeepers because of the economy. I feel like I can't leave without knowing I have a way to provide a roof over my daughter's head. . . but I feel like if I don't leave, she and I both are going to lose our minds. Thank you for letting me know that I am not by myself! The moral support helps. You said you stayed with your ex far too long becfause of finances. . . How did you get out? How did you get through it? Did you ever feel like everything was your fault?
Jan/17/2010, 8:34 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: No Contact and N-Dipping


Thank you [sign in to see URL] this post :heart:
I'm all for the NC with the N ...but, what if he is a Co-Worker and you have no option of leaving work? With only two years until retirement to go!
This N has taken my 'soul' not once, but twice! I kicked him out after discovering his many affairs and lies. I come home to emails from women on facebook who contact me to try and find him. I know of at least three women on his facebook that he was having affairs with (while he was living with me!)
The red flags were there and of course I chose to ignore them.
I know now that he can never have a loving relationship with anyone and unfortunately, their will be other victims. I refuse to be his 'victim' any longer and I am struggling with depression, low self-esteem and loneliness. I am going through therapy and surrounding myself with my family. I have changed my phone # and blocked his email.
Going to work is a struggle but I refuse to speak with him unless its on a professional level. It's so hard but, somehow I get through the day.
Any advice? :flower:
Jan/18/2010, 12:57 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: No Contact and N-Dipping


quote:

LolasBlueSky wrote:

Thank you [sign in to see URL] this post :heart:
I'm all for the NC with the N ...but, what if he is a Co-Worker and you have no option of leaving work? With only two years until retirement to go!
This N has taken my 'soul' not once, but twice! I kicked him out after discovering his many affairs and lies. I come home to emails from women on facebook who contact me to try and find him. I know of at least three women on his facebook that he was having affairs with (while he was living with me!)
The red flags were there and of course I chose to ignore them.
I know now that he can never have a loving relationship with anyone and unfortunately, their will be other victims. I refuse to be his 'victim' any longer and I am struggling with depression, low self-esteem and loneliness. I am going through therapy and surrounding myself with my family. I have changed my phone # and blocked his email.
Going to work is a struggle but I refuse to speak with him unless its on a professional level. It's so hard but, somehow I get through the day.
Any advice? :flower:



Lola, I had to work for my ExNH for over a year after the divorce, after being married to him for 17 years.. I know how hellish it can be. You are on the right track though, speaking only to him when it is professionally required. You aren't at work to make friends.. you're there to work.. this is the mindset you HAVE to have. God only knows how, but I managed to put an imaginary switch in my head.. lets just say it put me in robot mode. I showed no emotion.. plowed through my work.. responded only to business.. and back to work again.
Lunch time and breaks were the hardest. I spent that time writing in a notebook how much I hated N.. what an ass he was... etc.. Venting during breaks gave me the strength to return to robot mode.. lol

I'm sure there are better ways to survive.. I'm not sure how long you were involved with N, but in any case it isn't easy, but it can be done.

---
"Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity." Mark Twain
Jan/18/2010, 3:11 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: No Contact and N-Dipping


Proactive NC is the only way to go.

Saved my soul!
Jan/25/2010, 7:54 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: No Contact and N-Dipping


I swear by NC!!! It keeps me safe and sane. I have been NC for 3 & 1/2 years and I am a Wise Grandma. I realize to some degree I was addicted to xnh and to a degree still am. As wise as I profess to be I know one contact with xnh and I might be easily taken back in. There are days I feel very strong and do not think it could happen and then there are the days I am weak and only God knows what my reaction to contact would be. I spent half my life with xnh raising a Family and totally oblivious to the fact xnh was a n. I found n a year after I left him and finally all the pieces of a complex puzzle fit!!! NC keeps me from tempting fate and it is definitely worth any struggle it entails. For 3 1/2 years I have worked on changing and improving myself and I now value myself enough to remain NC. NC has given me freedom!!! Gramechka
Jan/26/2010, 9:54 am Link to this post  
 
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Re: No Contact and N-Dipping


As one of the veterans (20 years of marriage with XNH, + 3 years of limited contact due to shared custody and shared professional circles) I am proud to announce that I went NC with TODAY. I simply had to. Otherwise I would have been stuck and poisoned in N's web until the end of times. I decided and I'm going to be dogmatic about it.
Please, think of me, jitter for me.
Feb/2/2010, 2:40 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: No Contact and N-Dipping


Forgive me if this is placed in the WRONG place. I cannot figure out how to post in the practice area! Duh.

Hello to everyone. I am new to this message board, and am trying to get a grip on what I have been through, and what I need to go through in order to regain control of my life again. Closure. After reading the intro on this site, I understand that I will never really get it from the pwNPD. That has been my biggest hurdle... trying to get, and not being able to accept that there never will be an answer. I've been in a no contact mode with my exNPD for just 6 weeks. I guess that is not quite accurate, as I just sent a pleading e-mail to her asking why she disconnected so abruptly without explanation. This was the second total disconnect. Both included a cruel and controlling silent treatment that went on for weeks.
I am still reeling from it all, and trying my best not to continue with wanting to contact her.... looking for something... perhaps just a means of helping me accept that I did not cause the breakup. I did nothing... that I know of. It all just went "poof." In her very short reply, she said our relationship had become a "train wreck." This is what happened. On a Monday, she was saying how in love she was... that I MADE her happy. My response was, "no one can MAKE another person happy, but I am glad you are." The very next day, she shut down... totally... as if there was no feeling for me at all. After a week of my wondering what had happened, getting nothing but silence and sneers... it was over. She asked me to leave so she could focus... saying she was becoming disfunctional because of my presence. So, I left. A week later, she asked me to come for Christmas Day. Like a fool, I went. Of course, the caveat was that we could NOT discuss the situation. She wanted all to appear "normal" to her friends. After the friends were gone, she asked me to leave... still again... with a sneering look of disgust for me. I left. And, we have not spoken since. I am at a total loss. Thankfully, one of her friends that is a Doctor told me that she had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and that there were several other women that were left with that "same deer in the headlights" look. After spending some time on a BPD site, and reading more about NPD, I am fairly certain that she has NPD.
Matters not. Bottom line is... I need help understanding this... and the resulting damage that I now have.
So, that's why I am here.
And, I am OH SO looking forward to finding some answers and growing beyond this.
Thank you.
Feb/8/2010, 3:54 pm Link to this post  
 
LolasBlueSky Profile
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posticon Re: No Contact and N-Dipping


Hi everybody,
Just wanted to check in and give an update. It's been almost a month of NC with N and wow! It's getting [sign in to see URL] can't explain it except to say that after doing all the research and learning as much as possible about N I can finally go to work with a smile on my face....
Believe me ....and I've finally realized that it is NOT [sign in to see URL], HIM!
Everything happens for a reason and now I'm stronger, happier and ready to get on with my life without the 'N'!
I truly believe in NC!!!
xox
Feb/8/2010, 6:24 pm Link to this post  
 
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