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LynnS Profile
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You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it


This saying is most often brought up in relationship to AA, but it applies to relationships with toxic people as well.

I want to break it down in steps as it applies to N survivors.

You Didn't Cause It

This is so important. People do not treat you abusively because you 'made them.' Abusers also don't abuse selectively. It is not valid to say that someone was abusive to you because you're YOU, but they won't be abusive to somebody else who is better at not 'making them' act that way. Abuse is the responsibility of the abuser, not the responsibility of the person being abused.

You Can't Cure It

Again, it is not your responsibility to make somebody else 'better' any more than it was within your power to make them behave in a way that is unacceptable and hurtful. You can't love, accept, or tolerate an N enough to help them. In fact, that is usually the antithesis of anything that might be considered 'helpful' to someone intent upon playing the blame game. Accepting their stuff and taking blame and responsibility for who THEY are means they don't have to face it themselves. Not that an N ever will anyway, but if you want to do the 'loving' thing, then extend that inclination to yourself and walk away from rescuing someone for whom rescue is really not a helpful thing at all, but instead reinforces that it's never THEM at fault.

You Can't Control It

Walking on eggshells doesn't do a lick of good with an N. Adjusting your actions for fear of what they might do is a waste of precious time and energy. It is never a good idea to deliberately provoke N rage, of course, but in terms of trying to fit yourself into a box that makes them behave one way or another is fruitless. N's can be cajoled with supply to a degree, but I assure you that if an N has a course set in his or her mind as to 'who wins and how', and you are the target of their anger, there's nothing you can do or not do that will impact that. They don't respond to rules. They don't respond to being 'niced' into behaving in a way they don't want to behave. They're going to do what they're going to do no matter what you do or don't do when you've reached this impasse. Choose for yourself the best course of action for you and let the fallout come. Protect yourself as best you can and act in your own best interest. But don't try to 'manage' an N. It's a no-win situation.

Lynn



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Jul/30/2009, 12:02 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it


Bravo! Thanks for this post.

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"Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity." Mark Twain
Jul/30/2009, 12:39 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it


Thanks Lynn, especially for "They're going to do what they're going to do no matter what you do or don't do when you've reached this impasse."

There were days when I knew xN could have an argument with a lamppost if he felt like it. It didn't matter what I said or did. And, as always, it was my fault, even if I didn't say a word!
Jess

Last edited by Jessica072, Jul/30/2009, 1:22 pm


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Jul/30/2009, 1:21 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it


Dear Lynn -

I want to really thank you for this post - as a relative newcomer to this forum and as a divorcee from 32 yr. marriage, I needed to hear what you posted.

They create havoc and then just seem to walk away unaffected. To this day, I have a hard time fathoming just how a human being can do that, but now I'm beginning to accept it - even if I never do understand it. Some days are just sad. Each day of no contact, though,
is one more day I claim for myself. Thanks to all on this forum. Many hugs to you -
Jul/30/2009, 2:17 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it


Thank you i wish i wouldve read this post almost a year ago when i experienced N-RAGE from yelling at them to leave me alone, and being so fed up that i called them names. yet i thought it was the end of the relationship, but it was only the beginning of more pain.
Jul/30/2009, 3:23 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it


 :clap: :clap:
I wanna thank you I wish I had known this before. I have spent wasted years trying to fix stuff I couldnt many tears because I just didnt get [sign in to see URL] dont and many rage fits because I was freakin tired of being hurt.

So Thank You
Lynn :flower:

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Jul/30/2009, 4:04 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it


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"Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity." Mark Twain
Jan/20/2010, 5:29 pm Link to this post  
 
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Jan/20/2010, 7:23 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it


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Jan/24/2010, 12:26 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it


quote:

LynnS wrote:

You Didn't Cause It

This is so important. People do not treat you abusively because you 'made them.' Abusers also don't abuse selectively. It is not valid to say that someone was abusive to you because you're YOU, but they won't be abusive to somebody else who is better at not 'making them' act that way. Abuse is the responsibility of the abuser, not the responsibility of the person being abused.



Great post, Lynn. And it applies to not just Ns but all genres of people who make life difficult for the ones with whom they are in relationship.

I just want to make a little point about this first one-you didn't cause it. It is possible to somewhat "handle" one of these people (thinking about my loving but angerholic dad-non N) by the tip toeing, the "don't provoke him", the "don't go there", the "be good", and all that kind of defensive strategy. But it never works in the long term because you always end up "provoking" them without even knowing it, you "mess up", you have a lapse, you "forget to remember"-you know how that goes.

Then you get both barrels.

This explains how sometimes it seems, at least at first, that an N is happy with the new woman or wife-because she is hopping around, staying on "the good side". But sooner or later, it is inevitable, she will "mess up" and then there will be the blast and then from there on in, that will be the game.

Who can live like this? What a waste.

Jan/24/2010, 2:18 pm Link to this post  
 
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