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purplesage Profile
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Re: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it


Thank you for this great post, Lynn. It was another confirmation for me that I'm the one who's crazy here.
warkittens, I liked your response too. I, as weel, thought about my life in the future with xN. What if I don't react to anything, what if I just let him be who he is. I'm supposed to accept my partner who he is... it look like he accepts me (like my interests, my friends) but why do I always react?
But when I thought about it, I could only imangine becoming a total slave, not bing able to ask for help or anything, always catering to his needs, NEVER being able to give him any criticism, not even a simple feedback, he always wanted to be right, and be seen as a good guy!
This life would have been hell!
The funny part is that he really believes all women from his past were b%$ches and that he needs to find the one who will appreciate and accept him for the nice guy that he is! And I wasn't the one! What a BS!
Jan/24/2010, 9:02 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it


Bump.

Here it is Purpies. Looks like you responded to it. read it carefully again.

GB
Jan/30/2010, 8:51 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it


 emoticon

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"Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity." Mark Twain
Jan/31/2010, 2:52 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it


bump
Feb/4/2010, 8:37 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it


Thank you Lynn for this post!! I spent so long trying to fight N to be normal before I knew he was even a N and now when I look back I realise how I had done this in this r/s too. If a person has to fight to make someone be respectful it isn`t worth the fight. THEY DON`T CHANGE BECAUSE THEY CAN`T CHANGE!! They are disorder.. malfunctioned and totally screwed up .. why didn`t I get this before now??
 



Last edited by purrtiggycat64, Feb/5/2010, 10:29 am
Feb/5/2010, 12:22 am Link to this post  
 
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Re: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it


bump
Feb/5/2010, 6:24 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it


 emoticon

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"Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity." Mark Twain
Feb/8/2010, 10:17 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it


bump
Feb/19/2010, 8:57 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it


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"Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity." Mark Twain
Mar/16/2010, 2:57 pm Link to this post  
 
finding myself Profile
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Re: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it


Most people assume that if they are not being physically abused, then there is no abuse present in their relationship. That’s not necessarily true. Verbal and emotional abuse most often accompanies and predates physical violence. While verbal and emotional abuse does not always lead to physical violence, it is still a form of abuse. The injuries from physical abuse will heal in a few weeks with nothing to show. The injuries from verbal and emotional abuse go much deeper and can take years to overcome; leaving a permanent scar on the victim’s soul.

Dr. Lenore Walker first developed the Cycle Of Abuse in the 1970’s.

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This cycle keeps the victim off balance. The abuser appears apologetic or remorseful over his or her actions and quickly moves to the Honeymoon phase showering the victim with attention and loving words until the tension begins again.
The Honeymoon phase often gets shorter the longer the victim stays in the relationship.

The abuser wants to control his or her partner and uses abuse to maintain that control. The abuser may have been abused as a child or witnessed it in his or her own family. They often have very rigid expectations of the relationship and will not compromise with their partner. Abusers tend to be insecure and have a capacity for self-deception. They can be described as having a dual personality; charming one moment and cruel the next. Abusers often have the traits of a personality disorder such as narcissism or paranoia and deny the need for any counseling because they believe there is nothing wrong with them. The fault will always be in the victim’s actions. An abuser consciously or subconsciously chooses to abuse their victim in order to maintain control.

The victim of verbal and emotional abuse becomes isolated from family and friends. All of his or her time is taken up placating the abuser, who over time states they do not like certain people and do not want the victim associating or working with them. The removal of the victim’s family and social support systems leaves them more and more dependant on the abuser. Victim’s often describe feeling as if they are ‘walking on eggshells’ within their relationship. As the abuser exhorts more and more control the victim becomes further isolated from social circles and any support others can provide.

The constant barrage of negative or angry words from their partner slowly grinds down the victim’s sense of self-esteem. As the victim strives to resolve the issues with their partner and return to the honeymoon phase, the abuser will change tactics and set unrealistic standards that the victim must attain. When these standards are not met the victim is belittled and made to feel inadequate. The abuser keeps the victim in a constant state of awareness that they are not meeting these standards by saying things such as “Will you cook dinner. You are a better cook than I am.” Then stand over them telling the victim how to prepare the meal and comparing the victim to their mother. The victim’s self-esteem is worn away and they feel as if they cannot stand up to their abuser.

As the victim becomes isolated and worn down they often enter into a mental fog and become depressed. Their whole lives seem to be wrapped up in their relationship and they feel unable to leave. They start to withdraw from the outside world, loosing interest in hobbies and activities outside of the relationship. As they sink into depression physical changes such as weight loss or gain occur, giving the abuser another target. They feel powerless and dependent on the abuser. Unable to break the cycle of abuse that surrounds them they emotionally withdraw and sink into a state of depression.

An abuser chooses to abuse his or her victim in order to maintain control over them. Verbal and emotional abuse leaves scars that cannot be seen on the outside. The isolation, loss of self-esteem and depression are results of living in fear of the abuser and can take a great deal of time to overcome. It takes a great deal of strength for the victim to break away from the relationship and begin to rebuild him or herself.
Mar/16/2010, 5:08 pm Link to this post  
 
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