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PiscesDream Profile
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Re: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it


Thanks for the post. This is a good reminder for me because I'm feeling sad tonight because I miss the good times with him. I'm lonely.

---
Setbacks are gentle reminders of the truth and help us to further heal. - I say this.
Knowledge is power. - Sir Francis Bacon
Mar/16/2010, 10:51 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it


 emoticon

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"Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity." Mark Twain
Aug/11/2010, 11:31 am Link to this post  
 
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Re: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it


You know, I was about to submit a post saying that I disagreed with the part about how "you didn't cause it" when it comes to the N and the way their treatment of us causes us to react to them. I was looking at it from the way I reacted to the N and his constant stream of crap. I have to admit that there were many times I lashed out and screamed and yelled, and cried because of yet another time he'd hurt me. There were even times I became somewhat violent because he'd pushed me so far to the edge with his treatment. The way many of us have reacted at times could probably be categorized as abuse toward the N, right? But it was caused by the way the N's treated us, right? So that was way I was going to disagree with the "You didn't cause it" line as far as what the N's have done to get the reactions they got from us. If you want to be technical, yes they did cause it.

But then, I thought about it. I know for me, I knew that the ex-N was disturbed way before things got really, really bad. I knew, and I chose to stay with him and keep living in the emotional torture. I knew things were getting to where I was becoming angry and depressed, and [sign in to see URL] I stayed anyhow. And things only got worse and worse and I didn't have a single drop of trust in him and I knew I never would. But still, it was my choice to stay. I could have gotten myself out of a crappy situation at any time had I been strong enough to just stay away from him and not fall for his fake tears. And because I didn't, I became a person I didn't know. I can't sit here and say it was the ex-N's fault that I lashed out. It was mine for keeping myself in that torture when I knew he was not right the whole time. Yes, it was his actions that caused my hurt and pain, but it is my fault for allowing him to do it for 2 years.

I am quite sure he tells people I "abused" him verbally, and sometimes physically, and Gosh darn it, I guess I did. I allowed his abuse, lies, and betrayals to push me to those breaking points. So as much as he hurt me, I have to take the blame for my reactions and know I should have never allowed myself to stoop to the level that I could be classified as an abuser too. It make sme sick knowing that he probably views himself as a victim of MY abuse after all he did to bring out those reactions in me. But if I had been smarter and stronger, it never would have gotten that far. I should have taken the higher road and not allowed him to break me.
Does this make sense to anyone?
Aug/11/2010, 12:41 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it


Hi Florida...
That sounds all too familar. I never physically harmed the xw or threw things but I would yell. I would get louder and louder due to no responce. (abuse through frustration of being ignored) No problems were ever sorted out. We never argued, everything was manipulation by her and me wondering what the hell just happened.
So, I in fact was verbally abusive. I can take solice in that my consellor told me I was probably programmed to do it.

Finding Myself's artical at base of page 2 is my story in essense.

I am much happier being free of the torchure, to be the real me again.

Good luck



Last edited by wantingtoheal, Aug/11/2010, 9:53 pm
Aug/11/2010, 9:42 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it


Bump
Oct/14/2010, 3:18 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it


The exact same thing happened with [sign in to see URL] I was dating n and when I first married him,I would always,always discuss problems with him.A few years into the marriage,I realized nothing ever got resolved.I don't even know when it happened but I started to yell,scream,ignore and once I slammed a door so hard it came off the [sign in to see URL] seemed like it happened with me,little by little,over the years.N would ignore me or say things that he thought I wanted to [sign in to see URL] 10 yrs ago,I was talking to a friend of mine and told her that sometimes I don't recognize myself because I have no idea where the violence came [sign in to see URL] after the fights,I was the one who always apologized.N never did,not once after a fight.I don't have a violent bone in my body,I am one of the most easy-going people you could ever [sign in to see URL] much bothers [sign in to see URL] how could one person turn us into something like that?

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"Being defeated is often a temporary condition.Giving up is what makes it permanent."-Marilyn vos Savant

"When you know yourself,you are empowered.When you accept yourself,you are invincible."-Tina Lifford
Oct/14/2010, 6:02 pm Link to this post  
 
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Re: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it


Hi MsNala,

A arguement between normal people can result in yelling at one another but once both have cooled down a rational discussion takes place to resolve the issue.
I think you already would have tried that tack many times with no result. They are experts at changing the subject away from something they don't want to talk about.

I put the change in the abused down to continual frustration due to the constant changing of their rules, values, motives, you name it. They are unstable and for them there is no respnsiblity or consistancy. That in it self would drive any normal person insane. Insane N drives their partner insane and the N then point the finger at the abused person for acting out.

Hence , my psyche told me that I may have been programmed. I don't get any where near as angry at things as I used to. The stress created by N is gone, I am much happier without her. I don't yell any more.
I think that says everything.

IT WAS HER !
the EMOTIONAL COVERT VAMPIRE N!
Why did I stay ?, Floridaone32 says she allowed it to happen because of what is in her.

I stayed in the relationship because of my daughters and because I have a kind and loyal nature. I take a commitment seriously.

The N targets the caring, loving, loyal, responsible, giving person. They target the best of human attributes and use it to destoy all that is good in them. Evil attempts to destoy the good by distorting the good.

IT FAILED. I am still here !
=D

Last edited by wantingtoheal, Oct/15/2010, 7:41 am
Oct/15/2010, 7:36 am Link to this post  
 
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Re: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it


 emoticon

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"Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity." Mark Twain
Nov/29/2010, 11:47 am Link to this post  
 
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Re: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it


Bump

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"The best way out is always through."--Robert Frost
Jan/3/2011, 9:25 am Link to this post  
 
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Re: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it


I tried this experiment, as I think most ppl on this board have. After he cheated on me and left me for OW, I blamed myself and read everything I could about communication, being a good partner, etc. When he came back, I assumed 100% of the blame and spent the next 6 months doing everything humanly possible to please him. Behind the scenes, I was drinking and taking pills to calm myself down so I could be pleasant no matter what he said or did. Looking back, I can't believe I managed for so long like that.

Here's the kicker, though. He suddenly dumped me again anyway. And when he did it, he was crying like a baby, saying, "I can't believe I'm doing this. You're perfect in every way!" And he was right---I was!! He couldn't even D & D me! But there wasn't enough love or patience in the world to make him okay. He imploded because of his own demons.
Jan/3/2011, 1:28 pm Link to this post  
 
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